Car Crash

Okay, so I’ve assimilated well – at least in my noggin – with my cancer survivorship.

The likelihood, however, is that I haven’t. Still.

Five years out, and I still find how deep the bruises of cancer survivorship run. There’s a tragic beauty to the immediate empathy I feel for those within my cancer community. My heart goes out to everyone in that situation.

Yet at the same time, I pains me.

I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s that I’m still too close to the horror. I think way deep inside, though, it still scares the f*ck out of me.

My biggest pre-cancer fear was drowning. As a kid, I got stuck underwater a couple of times and swallowed a milk jug or two of pool water. You’d think I’d have learned after the first time…

But now, my fear of drowning competes against a second fear – cancer recurrence.

Like any other fear, I tend to forget about it until it jumps in my face. Last night’s TLC show “Crazy Sexy Cancer” smacked me upside the head much like the previously discussed “Living with Cancer” show.

Now don’t get me wrong… I think these types of shows are amazing. They do for TV what I wanted to do with my book – show people what fighters and heroes are really about, and what people go through while being treated for cancer.

I think more importantly, these shows portray how important attitude is when dealing with these sorts of setbacks. It is very important for people to see.

Last night, I told Sheryl that watching “Crazy Sexy Cancer” was like watching a car crash. I didn’t want to watch it, but I had to see what happened next. I can’t explain it.

It sucked because I knew how important it was for Sheryl to watch it. During the first commercial, we talked about different points of view – doctor vs. patient – and I was amazed by how differently I – as former patient - see things.

Now and again, out of the corner of my eye, I’d see Sheryl looking at me. I felt that perhaps she was studying me for reactions. And this is a beautiful thing about our relationship: I can help her in her job by teaching her things about her patients and survivorship. But last night’s sad fact was, I couldn’t return her gaze, because I knew if I did, I’d burst out in tears for absolutely no reason.

As a result of my cancer experience, my life has completely changed. I relish life a whole lot more. I relish my family and friends a whole lot more. I know what is important to me and I have a better idea of what I want and who I am.

I hope that TV shows like this will help non-survivors understand or give them a point of reference so they can help themselves – or others who have cancer.

I hope that people know the difference between watching shows like this and a watching a car crash. This morbid vulgarity of someone else’s misfortune is meant to educate and inspire, and not necessarily entertain. We are the anti-Paris.

Yes, I apparently still have issues. But that just makes me an adult, right? It’s a great life with lots of humor, and being sad once in a while is okay.

Unfortunately, though, I am the kind of person who needs to understand why I am sad (when I happen to be sad). Did “Crazy Sexy Cancer” put me right back in the middle of my fight with cancer? Did it remind me of the person I was and values I had before cancer? Did it remind me of my chances of getting a secondary cancer? Did it make me think about how short life is?

Or did it throw a spider into my arachnophobic lap and simply scare the f*ck out of me?

Who knows, with some out-of-the-box thinking, maybe stuff like this could become the latest Disneyland or Six Flags thrill ride…

Is life all about fun or is it supposed to be serious?

Suppose you are blessed with the opportunity to have a career doing something you love. And you have a blast doing it. On top of that, it allows you do have a great personal life and do kickass things like travel and such.

Suppose you are Lance Armstrong or Saul Raisin. You were born to ride a bicycle. You are young and "living the life of Reilly". And WHAM! It hits you - cancer, brain injury.

I was talking to a friend of mine at work. His mom is on the opposite side of the country, and just recently had to have brain surgery done. We talked a little about it, shared some experiences, and eventually started talking about cycling. At the end of the conversation, he felt better - and so did I.

So it got me to thinking... is life all about fun, with some serious shit eventually thrown in there, or is it serious with sprinkles of fun?

When I was a kid, I spent hours reading and re-reading a book by Remy Charlip called "Arm in Arm". It was one of my favorites. The title comes from a "vignette" - if you will - in the book. "Two octopi were walking down the aisle. Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm..."

One of the most memorable stories in the book was a picture on the left hand page with some kids playing out in the snow. One kid says "Isn't it better to be out in the snow playing, rather than being inside, laying in a nice warm bed?" On the right side of the page, you see a bunch of kids laying in bed. One kid says "Isn't it better to be laying in a nice warm bed, rather than being out in the snow playing?"

And so I ask one more time, is life supposed to be fun with some seriousness thrown in, or is life serious with some fun tossed in for good measure?

I'm sure you know my answer.