Let It Go

Haha... This is the last time I am going to dwell on 2012... at least for now.

When I look at 2012, I think about all the good things (but as an optimist, I tend to do that anyways). I think of successfully obtaining PMP certification. I think of trips to see the Tigers play in Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. I think of going to Cooperstown and the happy side visits of The Christmas Story House, the Jell-o museum, and the Williamsport, PA site of the little league world series.

But 2012 still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. And it all revolves around work. I've been at my current job for nearly two years and still feel like a square peg in a round hole. I'm very frustrated with the job, and it's been a perpetual black cloud over my head.

I'm still working on getting a new job, and I'm sure it will happen sooner rather than later. But maybe I'll talk about that when I look forward to 2013.

We lost my Aunt/Godmother this year, and a few months later, my uncle passed as well. It made me think a lot about loss and also helped cast a shroud on the year.

We had a hot summer, but man, I had an incredible cycling season - best ever, I think! This year gave me 10 years of being cancer free, and my wife took me to a wine tasting to celebrate. She also treated me to dinner at the Tigers Den for my birthday.

So in all, 2012 wasn't so bad. But I can't wait to kick 2013 into gear. I am looking forward to positive changes and building on the successful - yet difficult - lessons learned in 2012.

Time to learn from the past - and not live in it!

My Country...

Sometimes it takes a foreigner to help reawaken your love of country. I started watching "Stephen Fry in America", and was somewhat surprised how proud it made me to be American.

During election season, I get sick of our backstabbing politics. I get sick sometimes of the flaunting of America. I get sick of people telling me what being American is supposed to be.

But here's the rub: I've lived overseas - not a result of military duty, but on my own. I've also ridden my bike across three of our states. And I've visited over 30 of our states.

The expanse of these United States go from ocean to ocean, and Canada to Mexico. I've seen Niagara Falls when the icicles grew sideways, and I've seen the sun melt in the Texas sky.

I've been the beneficiary of the kindness of strangers, shared stories with the parents of a 9/11 survivor, met the man who was, at one point, the youngest person to climb Mt. McKinley, and listened in horror to tales of Vietnam.

America is more than jobs creation, 1%, and city occupation.

This is a glorious, amazing country - we've got our struggles, but we were borne of struggle. Struggling helps make us stronger. And God knows we need strength now.

I have a fantasy that all the extreme knuckleheads in our country walk a mile in each others' shoes. Stop spewing ignorant rants, and recognize the beauty of America - of our brothers across state lines, and outside of our speeding cars. Recognize the history, and embrace the mystery of our fruited plains and majestic purple mountains.

As a people, Americans have achieved greatness, and it's time to step it up again.

Rather than look at others' failures, we should rejoice in our achievements.

The Autumn of Summer...

Sheryl is always good to keep me on my toes. Again - as typical - she has reminded me that it has been a while since I posted.

Well, wow, whatever could have happened since my last post - two months ago?

Not to brag (only a little!), but I feel like I'm having my best cycling season ever - I'm not trying to push the big miles, but I think my overall miles average and total are up. And my god, I really love riding this year. Somehow, I've come to realize that I don't have to push every ride, and every ride is its' own journey. Even though my legs may feel tired, I'll still start a ride - knowing that I can go 12+ mph minimum in order to maximize the benefit according to Weight Watchers. And you know, those rides tend to become 15-20 mile rides. Mmmmm... yes....

Speaking of Weight Watchers, I've got less than 12 lbs to go to achieve my goal weight. When my brothers got married in the early 90s, I weighed 305 lbs. Riding Alaska, Montana and Iowa, I was 270 lbs. Today's Matt weighs in at barely over 240. Wow. I can't remember the last time I wasn't clinically obese...

Sheryl and I had an amazing June - we went to our first away Tigers games - in Cincinnati and Pittsburgh, followed up by a trip to Cooperstown to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. Along the way to Cooperstown, we stopped in Williamsport, PA - home of the Little League World Series. How cool was that??

It's been a phenomenal summer so far - topped off with another crowning achievement - my obtaining project management professional (PMP) certification.

During a heartbreaking winter/spring, I took my PMP exam, and failed miserably. Afterwords, I had decided that it was BS that I'd wasted all that time studying, and it wasn't worth it.

Well, a few weeks later, I was studying again. And I topped it off with a 4 day boot camp, which I took to give me some confidence - at least enough confidence to allow me a good nights' sleep beforehand!

During the evening of July 27th, I sat for, and passed the PMP exam - my god, what an ordeal! Yet, passing the exam was going to happen - one way or another. It had been a few years since I had set such a big goal for myself, and I always (eventually) reach my goals. It is such an amazing relief to have this behind me, though... and I have told some people that this is like the Cowardly Lion getting his diploma of bravery - I feel like I can now expose my intelligence - because I am certified as a PMP - boo-yah!

So here I sit, this early August night. I had an amazing 14 mile ride this afternoon, and I have done my Fantasy Football studying. I watched the Tigers win an amazing game, and have enjoyed another day with my wife.

I finished reading a short book by Clive Barker, and started reading another book on the Nook.

So yeah, looking back, it's been a damn hot summer inhabited by hornets, wasps, and cicada killers. And as sad and dismal as the spring was, the successes of the summer will actually allow for a fall of growth and hope springing eternal - unlike how it usually makes me sad.

The arrival of August reminds me of the Michigan State Fair, and I can say that I was fortunate enough to have seen Alice Cooper twice, and Billy Squier once, to round out the last few years of the Michigan classic. Man, I hope that makes a comeback.

I hope you have had as great a summer as I have. If not, I hope you have an amazing fall!

Anniversary

Is it coincidence that on the same day Sheryl and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary, I was given the cleanest bill of health that I've had my entire adult life?

I doubt it.

I am so fortunate, so blessed, and so incredibly lucky to have found the woman who definitely makes me a better person. I've had happy memories all week of our great Maine elopement adventure, and have been inundated with smiles caused by those memories.

Sheryl, thank you for looking past my downfalls and gracing me with your daily love. I live for the smile on your face - and in your eyes.

I love you, my not drunken punkin.

The tall tale of Freidrich Steedrick -

A man about the town, a regular clown
with whisky and rum
He'd stick out his thumb and ask "where ya from?"
If you didn't answer fast, he'd look about and cast
His gaze upon someone else.
He'd tell you his dreams
of wine and ice cream
and run on with thoughts like a stream.
He was a scream.
And then one day the dope
took a rope
Tied to his telescope.
The crazy loon lassoed the moon -
It was over too soon.
When the moon pulled the tide
He shouted and cried...
The tick tock of the clock gave way
To the shock of the day
Learning he'd been pulled away -
Dragged like a tuna 'round the dark side of luna,
Given the chance to romance perhaps,
The people of Mars, who eat candy bars.
For he's no longer a man about town
I have found
That he get his applause most
From the cosmos
and he drinks white russians from a straw...
along the milky way.

So, Crates, What's on Yer Mind?

In between taking the PMP exam and the start of my next class (which is now in its 3rd week), I have been cramming in a lot of personal reading. This has been made easier with the addition of going to the YMCA and riding for an hour while reading on the Nook (Awesome idea, Sue!).

One book I read was "Win Forever", by Pete Carroll. It wasn't a super spiritual book for me, but it talked about having a philosophy, and challenged its readers to develop their own philosophy - and to try and put it in 25 words or less.

So with Sheryl out of town this weekend, I decided to spend some time with my thoughts, and develop my philosophy. I felt that it is important for me to have a philosophy to keep me focused as I emerge from the major disappointments I've had relatively recently.

And in truth, it was much easier to develop my 25-word-or-less philosophy than I expected. Granted, I reserve the right to change it, tweak it, and manipulate it to my benefit, but here is what I've come up with:

"Do your absolute best every day. Take advantage of every opportunity, and focus on what is most important."

Using this as a guideline, I can then ascertain what I feel are my priorities. And these, I suspect, will change often. But generally, they will include mine and Sheryl's future - including my health, and keeping physically and mentally active - and balancing work, social, spiritual, and self.

Do you have a philosophy? Is it important for you to have one?

Roll On

This weekend, I celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my Hodgkin's diagnosis with my incredible wife.

Keeping it a secret until the last minute, she took me to a night in Saugatuck, MI.

On the drive out, despite the fact that both of us hate shopping, we spent a little time at the outlet mall in Howell. Armed with new Skecher shoes, we rolled on to Saugatuck, where we stayed at the Twin Gables Inn - a very nice historic B&B. Then, we went to "the event" - a pre-release party for Fenn Valley wines, in Fennville.

The six wines will be released in 2012, but the winery made it available for tasting to a few of their closest friends (and us!). The wines were paired with original food pairings for a six-course meal.

It was amazing!

We started with wine and cheese, then sat down to a brie and apple tartlet, a crab cake, a salad, salmon, beef, and dessert.

Sheryl and I had an absolute blast. We had good conversation with our tablemates, and after six courses and six wines,  we bought some wine, said our goodnights to our tablemates, then came back to the Inn, and chatted while I had a nightcap.

The topper was the drive there and back, where we found we had carved some time out of our lives to talk in detail about some of the things that have been going on lately. It was a nice change of pace beyond the daily catching up with what's happening at work before we have to go to bed.

It was an extremely rewarding weekend, and I cannot thank my wife enough.

10 years ago, I would have never believed you if you had told me I'd have it this good. I am so fortunate.

Moment of Clarity

Someone once told me that all you need in life is Chinese philosophy and a little VO2 max.

I am reminded of this on March 20, 2012. It was 80 degrees out today, so I brought out my beloved Moyo to take a ride. The first bike ride of the year. Ahhhh...

On a whim last night, I pulled out my ragged copy of "Siddhartha". After the last few weeks, I felt like I needed to be reminded of the tale that held me entranced in my college years - I needed to look at life a different way, I needed a mental whack in the noodle.

10 miles into my 13 mile ride, I realized that I had not had a significant thought in the previous 45 minutes. That's the magic of cycling - it changes the way you think. You forget about TPS reports, and work issues. Instead, you worry about basic survival skills - is that car going to stop at the light, or will it turn and hit me? POTHOLE!! Huff-puff, huff-puff, huff-puff.

Sometimes you see things and they don't register right away - was that guy wearing a purple felt hat??

And yet at mile 10, I realized that 10 miles had gone by, and I hardly remembered it.

And I thought back to when I first ran across the statement - all you need in life is Chinese philosophy and a little VO2 max.

Siddhartha is actually Indian philosophy - as told by a translator of Swiss German. Pedalling 14 mph over the course of 10 miles isn't necessarily VO2 max.

But realizing that you've spent the last 45 minutes in Nirvana...

Priceless.

Gutpunch

Okay, I know this is going to sound like I'm whining, but I need to talk this through with me. Grab a glass of your favorite beverage and hang out and listen. But shhhh, let me talk, 'kay?

Things have been strange in my life lately - and not in the way that I like. Yes, all of the amazing things in my life are there - like my wife, my health, my family - but I've taken a couple of huge gutpunches lately, and me no likey.

Back in September, my boss quit. Upper management decided to let the inmates run the prison, and see what happened. Well, as a result, a core of us really formed a strong team. All but three of us started moving together in a positive direction, and I was happy to have a chance to spread my wings a little.

Last month, upper management decided that we needed a ring leader. And with some reservation, I threw my hat in the ring. I wasn't sure how much I'd enjoy the role, but 3/4 of my team were behind me, and were willing to follow where I led them. I was honored and flattered how they enthusiastically supported me.

So when management told me that they went with the other candidate, I felt like I was kicked in the nuts.

I expressed myself to my boss, who truly understood where I was coming from. "Congratulations!", I told him, "You picked a fine manager. Too bad you didn't pick the leader!"

Oh happy daze.

A day later, the team was told about the decision. They all felt like they were kicked in the nuts (and half of them are women!).

I'd be lying if'n I told you that I have gotten past being bitter. After all, management didn't seem to realize who everyone would run to after the announcement. And yep, I had to be the bigger person, and convince everyone that we had to give the person chosen a fair shake.

Got any salt to rub into that gaping hole in your belly, Matt?

So I focused my energies on school. I was going to pass the Project Management Professional (PMP) exam. I was gonna become accredited, and make my own rules!

And I studied. Shhee-it, I studied hard. My so-called free time was taken up with studying. I studied harder than I ever did in high school, or getting my bachelor's degree.

My exam date was March 13 - the day before the anniversary of my dad's passing - I was aligning stars to give me the best possible chance to pass.

On March 12, I went to bed, wanting to get a good nights' sleep ahead of the 7:30 am exam.

Hours later, I was still awake.

As the sun tinted the Eastern sky, I was doing tai chi - trying to jumpstart my head after a night of less than 30 minutes of sleep.

I went to take the exam, and found that it wasn't particularly difficult. Three hours, fifty-nine minutes and ten seconds into the four hour exam, I submitted my answers - praying that I got enough of them right - hell, even if I passed by the skin of my teeth! ...

Sure enough, I was shocked with the result - FAIL.

It felt like I sat there for an hour, staring at the screen in shock and awe and general disbelief.

Hello, gutpunch, meet my nards... again!

I was devastated. Again.

Sheryl and I kept the dinner reservation we had to "celebrate", and had an amazing dinner.

When we got home, I crawled into bed - 7:30pm. I slept til nearly 5am.

Well, I have lessons to learn here, and I think I'm going to take my time in learning them.

Awesomely, my team at work was very supportive (I'm sure you can imagine how amazingly supportive Sheryl was, so I won't even rave about her!). Yep, management picked a manager, not a leader.

Will I take the exam again? Everyone seems to want to know. Well, not really... everyone seems to ASSUME that I will take the exam again. Right now, I don't wanna.

But while I take some down time, and learn my lessons a little bit, I'm sure the need to pass that damned exam will become overwhelming - and yes, I will probably take the exam again.

In the meantime, though, I want to whine and pout a little - and you should let me do that because you can do something I can't - cry.

I think the craziest thing for me to get over is that I don't remember ever getting gutpunched like that twice in a row.

In the meantime, I realize that I don't have a lot of time to feel sorry for myself - in nine days, I will be recognizing the 10th anniversary of my Hodgkin's diagnosis.

Hello, nards, heal up. Get over it. There are worse things in life.

(I miss you, Dad!)

If I've learned anything by going to school this past year or so, it's that I've still got a lot to learn.

January 23 is my angel's birthday.
I love her so much. Every thought of her warms me.
I have lived most of my life without her, but I cannot imagine being without her for even a single day.
I've never had someone love me like she does,
And that is pretty special.
I don't do all the right things, say all the right things, and still need to get over selfish tendencies,
But she still adores me.
And I do her.

I've got a lot to learn in life.
But one thing I know is that my wife is more special than words can say.
And I spend most of my time trying to make sure she's happy.
She's an angel, and proves it daily -
Who in their right mind wants an unhappy angel??

Sheryl, I wish you the happiest of birthdays.
I hope we live another 45 years in the bliss that we share.
Your smile makes me melt. It makes me know that all is right in the world.
The twinkle in your eyes fills my soul with that much more hope.

I love you so much, that the word hasn't even been invented that expresses what you mean to me.
I love our story, I love the trip that we're on, and I love that we're sharing it together.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I love you.