The Drive to Survive

Last night, Sheryl and I watched the “Living with Cancer” special on the Discovery channel. There was a lot of information for the common man, and it sort of inspired cancer survivors.

The show included a “town meeting” with Lance Armstrong, Elizabeth Edwards and Leroy Sievers.

I had been listening to Sievers’ podcasts for a little while now, and it was interesting to add the face to the voice. I had found while listening to these podcasts, that Sievers was often dead on in speaking about things that cancer patients and survivors think.

A lot of times, it’s hard for me to listen to the podcasts, because it hits home. But at the same time, I feel it’s important to hear what he says because I need to be reminded.

It’s like rubbing your fingers repeatedly over a nasty scar, this reminder, and it’s important to survival.

In the deepest depths of chemotherapeutic hell, I constantly wondered if I had accomplished what I was supposed to accomplish in my life. It was a miserable reminder that I had to survive. I had to do something more important than piss red Adriamycin and endure self-administered Neupogen shots.

Leroy Sievers last night reminded me of that tortuous question.

When I was in high school, I had a profound moment of awareness. I realized that in order to be remembered – and therefore allow your memory to live on well beyond your rotting corpse - you have to do something huge: good or bad.

If I were to ask people to name the person in history who epitomizes “good”, I suspect that they would respond “Jesus Christ”. On the other hand, if I asked who epitomizes “evil”, many people would respond: “Hitler”.

So that was my dawning realization: People in history are remembered for their total goodness or total evil. And since I don’t have many evil bones in my body, I needed to think about how good I can be.

Not to mention, that I have always had a big heart. As a child, I went Christmas caroling with a friend of mine, and although we ended up splitting $3 between us (no doubt we were given money to shut up!), I gave my share to the church.

I often wonder why I decided to torture myself with the planning of yet another Gilda’s Riders event. Yet the answer is simple: I need to help. It is me.

In the inaugural “Heal” magazine – a magazine about living beyond cancer – they talk about the growing number of cancer survivors. The Lance Armstrong Foundation is now calling it an army.

The bottom line is that we are on the verge of a movement – a cancer survivors’ revolution. This revolution was not spawned by the summer of love. This revolution is spawned by the strong minds and hearts of fragile, healing bodies.

No one can afford to turn their backs on this army. No one can quiet the growing rallying cry. We are human beings, for crying out loud, and need to respect one another.

At my moment of death, when the tunnel of light beckons me, I expect to be asked if I had accomplished what I had intended to accomplish on this planet.

I will likely be disappointed that I could not do more.

But like a virus, I can only hope that while my body no longer remains, my soul will infect others, who will take things even further than I was able to do.

Luck

"I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."
~Thomas Jefferson

I never cease to be amazed by luck, and karma, so I need to give it kudos.

Saturday, I got some new tires, and while waiting, I took a stack of old e-mails that my former boss sent. See, I printed them out because I thought they showed questionable ethic and morality. It was my intent at one point to hold onto these e-mails just in case I was wrongfully dismissed from my position.

Well, I was blessed with the opportunity to quit that job and give the respect back to my boss that he had given to me (none). And my life has been amazing since.

Recently, I've heard that my former boss is being investigated for some of those ethical and moral issues I mentioned. So I thought that I would go through these e-mails and see what I could do to help things along.

I debated about whether I was being petty and drudging up a past that didn't need to be drudged up. But I also thought that no one should go through the mental distress that I had gone through.

Halfway through the e-mails, karma stepped up and gave me a harsh warning to stop - the tire shop pointed out that my front coil springs were broken and the cost to replace them was outrageous, considering that I've got 100,000+ miles on the vehicle.

Disappointedly, I decided that I would shop for a new car. I had originally wanted to wait for another year before that happened, but I accepted my fate.

I also threw away the e-mails.

"Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

On a whim, I went online to see why it cost so much to replace my springs... maybe there was a special one-time use tool they had to use or something.

Well, to my surprise, I ran across a few message boards that spoke about my vehicle and broken springs. There was a recall on some models and there was an extended warranty on others.

Could I be so lucky?

As it turns out - yes.

My springs did happen to be under recall.

So at 100,000+ miles, I will be getting new springs for the vehicle I love. Free of charge no less!

Was it the right move to pitch the e-mails? Absolutely, it was! No good would come out of that.

And you can believe that I will be contributing a positive event into the universe to thank my luck, or karma, or cause and effect.

Turn of the Tides

As the weather changes, so does my house. Now that Sheryl has been here a year, and seeing as that we're getting married and all, the suggestions for home improvements increase.

Now this isn't a bad thing... as a matter of fact, I mostly like it. As my mom mentioned, the house is becoming a home - don't forget, I've lived in this house for 10 years already!

But a year ago, my backyard was a rock garden. Now, as I sit out on my dilapidating deck, the freshly cut grass almost shimmers in its greenness. The shepherd's hook, which didn't exist in my yard until last year, is home to the wind chimes I gave Sheryl for Christmas. In a few weeks, it willl most certainly also be the bearer of a hanging potted plant.

The front of the house is changing, too. The dying old light fixture is gone, replaced by something a bit more contemporary. The crappy mailbox has gone to pasture as well. I think the new one can withstand a nuclear barrage.

Inside, the hallway that was home to Red Wings paraphernalia is repainted and relighted, proudly displaying a few vinyl albums' artwork.

The piece de resistance is the nearly complete kitchen - awaiting only a countertop and garbage disposer. Aside from the rock garden cum lush green grass backyard, the kitchen is a shocking transformation.

The thing is, I've often thought about doing some of the upgrades that we have been doing. But for some reason or another, they never happened.

These changes are the good changes. Changes that don't de-rail your days too much. Not like my beloved vehicle, which I had completely fooled myself into thinking that I'd had it for over 100,000 miles and it was still in good shape. This weekend, it was brought to my attention that the springs in the front are busted and to replace them would cost nearly $800. So it looks like I'm in the market for a new vehicle. After all, with the right deal, that $800 can guarantee me four months in a new car...

Seeing as that I'm nearly 41, I ought to finally heed David Bowie's advice. He once said to me in a sing-song voice: "Turn and face the strain... Ch-ch-changes... Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older."

And George Carlin interjected: "I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. "

So to them and everyone else, I say: What's that got to do with needing a new car?

In A Bad Condition

“If I tell you what Im doing today

Will you shut up and get out of my way?

Someone asked me what the time is,I dont know

Only know I gotta go now

No time - trying to get a watch repaired

No time - never got a thing to wear

Hear the ringin of the telephone no no

Hear a ringin in my head now

No such thing as tomorrow, only one two three go!”

– “Got the Time” by Joe Jackson

All morning, I was thinking about this song, and how time just goes so damn fast. I wanted to bitch about time, lack of time, but there’s a time and a place.

I was derailed this morning instead by the news that one of my all-time favorite voices of America has died.

If you go to the Kurt Vonnegut website (http://www.vonnegut.com/), there is a simple, roughly drawn, yet poignant picture of an empty birdcage, and the dates “1922-2007”. Like his work, this icon speaks volumes.

When people die, we often get selfish. For instance, I find myself realizing that I am going to miss reading his new works, and will never get the opportunity to see him speak in person.

“When I got home from World War II, my Uncle Dan clapped me on the back, and he said, ''You’re a man now.'' So I killed him. Not really, but I certainly felt like doing it.”

– Kurt Vonnegut’s 1994 commencement speech to the graduating class of Syracuse University

What I should be saying is how much of an influence KV was on me. I loved his dry sense of wit and really loved the way he put words together.

''When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is 'So it goes'.''

– “Slaughterhouse Five”, by Kurt Vonnegut

One of my two absolute favorite books is Cat’s Cradle, written by KV in 1961. I am so mesmerized by this book, that I read it every few years, and am blown away every time. I’ll never forget the words of a fellow bar traveler, who had just finished reading “Cat’s Cradle” for the first time:

“Holy shit, man, I was literally shaking by the time I got to the last page!”

Kurt Vonnegut wrote darkly, yet he added color, life, vibrancy and thought to my life. I never met the man, but I am absolutely affected by his death – just as I was by his life, and writings.

Time is a kick in the ass. It goes by so fast, and we breeze through, until something grabs our arm, yanking us back to stop and notice.

“Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”

– “Time” by Pink Floyd

We call it “stopping to smell the flowers”. Yet, we tend to only notice when the flowers are just past their full bloom.

I really do hate always alluding to it, but like time, cancer is a kick in the ass. It is one of the few things in life – and death – that can alter time.

Through the hateful grace of cancer, the nauseating march of chemotherapy’s death, my watches broke and my internal clock wiped sleep from its tired eyes.

Though I intended to whine about the lack of time we have, I was blessed with a moment to stop and smell the flowers. And instead, I was given an opportunity to lament the fact that one of my all-time heroes and influences happens to be in a bad condition in this particular moment… although he was just fine in plenty of other moments.

Bravo, Kurt Vonnegut! Godspeed!

So it goes.

It’s really easy to get caught up in life’s turmoils. These days, for instance, I’ve been keeping exceedingly busy with work, Gilda’s Riders, wedding plans and house upkeeping. But today, I was stopped in my tracks. I was researching my book to get ideas for Livestrong Day in May; Gilda’s Club asked me to participate in their event by sharing my story. As I was flipping through the pages of “Cancerboy”, time stood still. I read passages and remembered exactly where I was and how I felt. I thought about where I am now, and how different my life would be if I never had cancer.

I get the feeling that everything in my life happened to get me here. There have been no wasted events. My eyes – at least for the moment – have opened to the broader spectrum. It’s cool.

As I work 56 hours per week,
As Sheryl and I plan our wedding trip to New England , and our subsequent gathering with family and friends,
As we paint and replace and remodel sections of our house,
As we coordinate and plan the 2nd Annual Gilda’s Riders event,
As I try to train – riding more than 15 miles a couple times per week and lifting weights,

I am living my life to the fullest. I am setting a standard. I am being a role model.

I am a proud, happy cancer survivor, and never want life to pass me by.

Day Zero, Year Five

With the MC5 screaming in my ears, I am ready to testify.

Today starts a seven month celebration. Of my life.

Ziggy Stardust recorded a moving song called “Five Years”. It tells about how the world will cease to exist in five years time. It’s true. It happened to me.

Five years ago today, I was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The world I knew five years ago no longer exists.

My transformation started with the phone call I made to my mother. I was sitting in my boss’ office. He was strategizing how we would complete one of his many outrageous goals. I stopped him, rudely dialing numbers on my cell phone as he spoke. When my mom answered the other end, I said simply (while maintaining eye contact with my boss): “It’s confirmed. Hodgkin’s, Stage 2.” Shortly afterwards, I hung up with my mother. Shortly afterwards, I left my boss’ office. Without completing his strategy.

There would be many, many turning points along the way. In fact, every day was a turning point:

* The head oncology nurse checking my veins to see if they were good enough to endure four cycles of brutal chemotherapy. And providing me a video that would tell me how to give myself daily injections of Neupogen.
* The blur of chemo education on my first day of treatment.
* Feeling like shit for 10 days after treatment, having one or two days of feeling human again – just prior to getting another treatment.
* Not having enough energy to go grocery shopping – yet doing it anyway.
* Sweating and smelling chemicals day after day.
* Pissing red during and after each treatment.
* Putting on my brave face every time I contacted my friends and family.
* Trying to talk my sister into taking my treatment for me.
* Spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts, coming to the realization that if I survived, I’d have to change silly habits and self-destructive rituals.

After treatment – October 23, 2002 – I had learned how to live life. It was now up to me to practice living as it was meant to be lived. Every day since has felt like a warm Spring breeze (although some days the breeze has blown stiffly and others it’s barely blown).

I stopped the mental abuse that had become my personal mantra. I sought things that I wanted. I took risks. I gave back to my community. I gave back to my cancer brethren – sometimes getting my heart broken in the process.

But I was alive, and embraced each opportunity and emotion. My heart, my head, my eyes and ears – pulsed with life.

I was in the middle of a growth period (aka, unemployed and in the midst of shattering my credit while trying to make success happen by working on my book) when I met Sheryl.

Five years ago, I would not have allowed myself the opportunity to embed myself in this girl’s life – and that would have been a critical, miserable mistake.

My transformation will continue for as long as I live. But this year – this next seven months – will be the anti-Hodgkin’s. I am marrying Sheryl, and we will both celebrate not only our life together, but our personal lives as well. And one way that we will celebrate LIFE is by trying to make my growing number of brethren more comfortable and provide them more support through Gilda’s Club and our Gilda’s Riders fundraiser.

In turn, I hope with all of my heart, that these people will have the chance to live life and celebrate Year Five.

And hopefully, they will mark that year with a long bike ride while raising funds for Gilda’s Club…

Dumb America

I just read a news article that Geico’s cavemen are being slated for a sitcom pilot.

It got me to thinking: Why is this newsworthy?

And what does Paris Hilton think?

And what does CNN think about Paris Hilton’s thoughts on it?

And why the frick SHOULD CNN care?!?!

So this is what happens where there isn’t a ground war to report about.

Oh wait, there IS a ground war to report about!

So what the hell is going on?

Why is America – why am I – dumbing down?

I blame Al Gore’s internet.

With news – real and imagined – available on the internet 24/7/365, we’re getting “newsed out”. There is no new news to report anymore. Someone has Saddam’s execution recorded on his cellphone in real time and a half hour later, we’re all watching it on YouTube.

Our idea of news has been skewed beyond recognition… or has it just morphed into all-out entertainment?

It is becoming more and more important in our country to get a college degree. So let me raise two issues:

1) Get rid of journalism degrees. Hell, all you need right now to “tell the news” is a cellphone and internet hookup. Heaven forbid you are astute enough to actually tell a story these days. We want the pictures, the blood and the guts! This brings me to:
2) Why?? We are the most powerful and best country in the world. We’re leading the world in democracy… and idiocy. We’re the most advanced… and fattest. We spend all this time studying and earning degrees, but how does that help our population and fellow man?

The Associated Press recently declared a moratorium on Paris Hilton. They will no longer report Paris Hilton activities unless they are deemed truly newsworthy. That alone should tell us something.

We are to blame for the downfall of our civilization. We killed Princess Diana by reading the tabloids that bought paparazzi pictures. We drove Britney Spears to the brink of insanity the same way.

Are you proud of yourself?

On my way into work today, I was thinking about my Dad, and about how happy I am. My Dad died 16 years ago in March, and for much of the last 4 years, I have wondered how my Dad would view my life and activities.

How would he have reacted to my cancer experience? How would he have reacted to my lack of job? My book?

The only thing I am sure of is that my Dad would have loved Sheryl. He would be happy for me where I am right now with my life.

I found myself thinking that I am possibly the happiest I have been in my life. I am certainly happier than I have been for quite a few years, that’s for sure!

Each night, I’ve taken to praying. I know that there are angels who surround Sheryl and I. And so I thank them for each day, and each opportunity. I even ask them to help me attain my goals, and to help Sheryl and I to stay happy and healthy for many, many years.

So Dad, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I thank you for your patience and support.

One in a Million

I’m not usually the speediest person when it comes to new technology, but I eventually jump on the bandwagon. Just over a year ago, Sheryl gave me an iPod for Christmas, and only recently, I’ve begun listening to podcasts.

So far, I subscribe to three podcasts: Wilco, livemusic.com, and the NPR series, “My Cancer”.

Sometimes, I wonder why I torture myself listening to Leroy Sievers’ narratives of his cancer experience. Yet at the same time, I find myself sitting, listening intently, and nodding my head.

It’s a bittersweet experience – like reminiscing about a lost love, or a fond tragedy.

I’ve always said that I believe everyone’s got a story inside them. Some of us just have the ability to let it out. My story happened to come out via “Cancerboy”, and through this blog.

Last week, I was surprised by a box that came in the mail. It was from a friend of mine, whom I don’t see very often. Yet, when she found out that I had been through the cancer experience, she was moved to tears. In the box, I found a LiveStrong coffee mug. My friend said that she saw it and thought of me.

At that moment, I was forced to think about how we impact other people. I never think of myself as having much influence over anything, but by sharing my story, I influenced and impacted the lives of others. Yeah, it may appear obvious to you but how many times do you think about how you impact others yourself?

Leroy Sievers is doing that, too. He’s sharing his story and making an impact on peoples’ lives. I listen to his story because it connects me to all of the other cancer survivors in the world by reminding me where I’ve been, and that we are never really alone.

I am...

On a whim, I decided to Google myself. Yeah, it sounds perverted, but whatever...

While glancing through over 20 pages of Matthew Cummingses, I learned important things about me.

For instance, I am currently attending Marshall Univerity. I ran two or more marathons. I am a police officer in two different cities in different states. I am not only a writer, but I am also a photographer and an actor. I am a high school basketball coach.

Not only that, but I simultaneously live in Pennsylvania, California, Virgina, West Virginia and Texas - in addition to Michigan and England.

Although I am going to school at Marshall, I already have a degree from Iowa State, Brody School of Medicine and Case Western Reserve College.

I am an administrator for the Yellow Pages, a spy, and have appeared in many newspaper stories.

Strangely enough, I was also a participant at the Battle of Bunker Hill (I was always a survivor!).

I am a glass blower and attend Edinboro University.

Essentially, I am everything that I want to be.

So the next time you ask yourself, "who am I?", drop by Google.com - you'll be surprised at how much you've accomplished!

Ticking Time Capsule

A couple of years ago, I had a picture taken of me, which was placed in the Lewiston , Michigan library time capsule.

If I had an opportunity to put together a time capsule of my life so far, here is what it would likely contain:

* A picture of me (as a baby), my mom and dad
* One of many stories I wrote in 3rd grade… perhaps my report on Christmas…
* A baseball mitt
* A bicycle
* A prosthetic nose
* A bottle of Hefe-Weizen beer
* A bottle of tequila
* A box of 1974 Topp’s baseball cards
* “Cancerboy”
* Darts
* A Gilda’s Riders jersey
* My concert tickets
* A picture of me and Sheryl
* An iPod programmed with my fave tunes

There are a million things that we could hope to put in our personal time capsules…

What would you put in yours?

Cold Weather Breakdown (Jan 2007)

I’m having a cold weather breakdown today. I don’t know how to explain it, but I am sick and tired of cold weather. It is all too easy for me to imagine a balmy 70+ degrees outside with humidity.

Yes, I am extremely aware that we’ve had a mild winter so far, and that the winter weather only truly hit us a few weeks ago, but that doesn’t help my angst.

I had an awful time getting out of bed this morning, and I can’t concentrate. I’m cold, although the room temp is 70 degrees. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. And eat. And sleep.

My skin is cracking. My lips are cracking and my skin is drier than normal. I’d cry, but my tears immediately dry up.

Ugh! When is Spring? March 21??

Wake me on the 22nd.

Media, schmedia

Media sucks. I hate the spin that it puts on stuff, and I hate how powerful it is.

The other day, I realized that I was watching too much TV news. When I’m up in the mornings, I’m already grumpy. Then I hear stories about A-HOLES WHO DO STUPID STUFF. Interject some cutesy between-story banter and I am ready to VOMIT.

Why do I subject myself to that torture in order to see the weather and/or traffic?

Why don’t I go to accuweather.com, or weather.com? Why don’t I go to traffic.com, or autoclubgroup.com? Why don’t I use something else for eye candy while I eat my oatmeal?

I guess that is something to work on.

The local news isn’t actually my bitch for this blog. Rather, it’s the power of news.

The French news has long had issues with Lance Armstrong. They hated the fact that he dominated their Tour de France for seven years.

Rather than accept that the guy was talented, they blamed performance enhancing drugs.

That’s all fine and dandy… it’s in the past (I hope!). But just before the 2006 Tour de France, a Spanish news source wrote a story about how nearly all of the top-runners for the Tour were implicated in a doping scandal. 12 contenders were booted from the race.

American Floyd Landis then wins the Tour with an incredible stage victory in the mountains.

And what happens? French papers publish a story saying that Floyd was jacked on testosterone during that stage win. Floyd was immediately guilty and is still trying to prove his innocence.

A Spaniard named Oscar Pereiro is poised to step in as 2006 Tour winner if Landis’ appeals fall through. However, this week, French news reported that Pereiro tested positive during the Tour for ASTHMA MEDICINE.

Pereiro states that he was given authorization for his medication and can provide it. Unfortunately, the damage is already done. WHY is ASTHMA MEDICINE grounds for condemning someone before obtaining all necessary information? Are the French so insecure about their cycling program that they need to implement such devious tactics?

I’ll tell you this: I have ridden a number of long, agonizing rides in my life, and I give kudos to those who can RACE such long rides, let alone RIDE them. Jacked or not.

Yes, I said it.

Jacked or not.

What I do care about, though, is that good peoples’ lives are being ruined as a result of certain types of media. Whatever happened to fairness and Walter Cronkite-type ethics? Why have we become a society of pomp and flash? Of careless, non-responsible reporting? And most importantly…

Why does Fox 2 News give Al Allen all of the crappy stories?

Do angels have birthdays?

For years, a boy ran around town, having fun and playing.
He kept busy, as he never wanted to be bored.
There were two reasons for this:
1) He didn’t like to be bored; and
2) He was afraid that he’d realize how alone he was.
One day, while playing, a shiny light caught the boy’s attention and he failed to see the wall until it was too late –
WHAM!
The wall hit him like it was a ton of bricks.
Forget the fact that it really was a ton of bricks – you get the point.
Anyhow, as the boy laid in bed recovering from his wounds,
He began to understand how lonely he really was.

The boy wasn’t really sad, though, he figured that if he was meant to find someone special he would – whether or not he wanted to.
Once he healed, the boy decided to donate some of his time to a charity that helped others who ran into walls.
One day, while working at Builda’s Club, the boy was introduced to a kind-hearted girl.
They chatted a bit, and after they had gone their separate ways, the boy knew he had just met someone special.

But the boy had stuff to do… he had some playing to take care of.
And so he played and played a bit more.
One day, someone asked him if he kept in touch with the special girl.
He hadn’t, so he decided to e-mail her and say hi.

As things go, the boy and girl ended up dating.
The boy was selfish, though, and found that although he requested crazy things from the special girl – such as frog’s lips or chicken’s nipples – she found a way for him to have them.

At night, when the boy went to bed, he found himself wondering more and more:
Was this girl really an angel in disguise??

So when he saw her, he would look for clues:
Did she hide her wings? Did she have a warm, comforting smile? Did he feel best when he was around her?
And more often than not, the answers were “yes”.

The boy found himself falling in love… something he wasn’t entirely familiar with.
But she was patient with him… angels do that, too.
He asked her to marry him, and be his angel for the rest of his life.
She said yes.

Apparently, no one really knows if angels have birthdays.
On January 23, 2007, the world will find out for sure.

No matter to the boy, really.
It’s just another day.
Another day to make sure his angel knows how much he loves her.

Yes, he will possibly try to spoil her, too.
Maybe he’ll take her out to dinner.
Maybe he’ll take her out of town.
Maybe he’ll write a story about a little boy and a special girl
And tell the world that he loves her.

Happy Birthday, Sheryl. I love you, baby!

Having a Mid-Life Crisis?

Not me! I had my first mid-life crisis at the age of 11, when the family dog bit my nose off. The joy and fun of childhood ended then and there. From that moment on, I was an adult – and not a very happy one at that.

So I turned my anxieties into dreams and goals. I worked towards those dreams and goals, rarely aware of what I was doing. One day, BAM! A goal was achieved. Another day, BAM! Another one down! And so it happened: BAM! BAM! BAM!

Misery was displaced by achievement and satisfaction. Not REplaced, mind you… just DISplaced.

I focused on changing the world and being a good role model for my nieces and nephews. After all, I would never be a parent.

It was about that time that Thomas Hodgkin decided to hand me my second mid-life crisis: Hodgkin’s Disease.

I soaked that summer in chemotherapy and Neupogen, watching as my goals and dreams melted along with my cancer tumors. My misery magnified.

It grew and grew, magnified until the inevitable happened:

It imploded and ate itself.

Yesterday, I sat with a whole new life ahead of me. Today, I sit with a whole new life ahead of me. Tomorrow will bring the same.

29 years ago today, a little boy lost his nose and his innocence. He lost the definition of joy and unadulterated happiness.

But today, thanks to that little boy, and Thomas Hodgkin, I’ve allowed myself to lower the guard, to let Sheryl in, and as a result, I am happier than I’ve been for most of my life.

Arguments and Aggrievances

I used to be extremely passionate before I got cancer. I would argue about anything close to my heart. In fact, I once got into a bunch of trouble for telling my boss that the way he wanted to do something was asinine. I still think that, but I would handle things differently now.

For example, I busted my butt on my first project at the new job, and thought that the end result was awesome. However, the customer thought otherwise, and made suggestions that I feel “dumb down” the project. It’s pretty silly, actually.

However, they are the customer, and my response is “whatever they want” - whereas some of the people I work with are ready to argue for what’s already been accomplished.

The bottom line is that there is a time to argue, and there is a time to not. Cancer helps you to re-evaluate what’s important.

This is a common understanding with Sheryl, too. With her experience in the cancer world, she sees, too, what is worth arguing about and what isn’t. Sometimes, I will try to get her to argue with me for the sake of working something out in my head, and she won’t even bite.

Most times, when Sheryl and I disagree about something, one or the other will relent almost immediately. After all, is it really important to win the argument? Is it important to lose?

It all comes out in the wash, and usually, no good comes from heated arguments.

Should I be passionate about this project at work? Yeah, a little, but it’s WAY more important to me to keep this job.

Now before it is suggested that I am simply a candy-ass, let me ask one question:

Does it matter whether I am or not?

Not to me, it’s not.

Carpe' De Living Room

At 5:30am today, I sat, contemplating me – and why I do some of the things that I do.

See, I had been figuring out what I wanted to accomplish during the day ahead of me, and thought about what I had accomplished yesterday.

After I got home from work yesterday, I tried to achieve every possible thing I could before sitting down in front of the TV for the night. After all, once I get there, it’s tough to get back up!

So I worked out, I made a couple of phone calls, I took returnables out to the garage, I washed dishes… By the time Sheryl came home, I was mostly done with everything. And yep, sure enough, I sat down in front of the TV.

The weird thing is that I’m not used to having so much time on my hands. When I worked in hell, my hours were typically 9:30am to 6:15pm. I completely under-utilized my time. I stayed up late, woke up late, and was completely lethargic. After all, I wasn’t doing something I wanted – something that excited me. I always felt like I never had enough time to do things around the house, or spend time with Sheryl.

Because of my cancer experience, I’ve developed the urge to milk as much out of each day as I can. This urge was squashed during the last year.

Yes, I still wanted to accomplish as much as possible, but the job drained me, and I finished each day as a lump of Jell-o.

Last night, I laid in bed and wondered if I made the most out of my day. I felt that I hadn’t, even though I had tied up a lot of loose ends.

My life is re-invigorated with this new job. I am excited about life and all of the great things to do. Sheryl and I have been able to do things I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, and I’m ecstatic about taking her out of town for her birthday at the end of this month.

I am energized every day. It is a beautiful feeling, but yet when 5:30am rolls around, I find myself wondering:

Am I taking carpe’ diem a little too seriously?

Issues

When I get to my awesome job in the morning, it’s typically around 7am. This poses a few potential issues for me.

First, keep in mind that I’m a night person. Man, I love my nights. I love being awake when everyone is asleep. Ironically, I feel the same way in the morning, but in the morning, I am usually struggling to wake up, so the magic eludes me until night time.

So, in order to get to work at 7am, I have to get up at 5am. Granted, much of this time is spent puttering around – all I’ve really got to do is eat breakfast and take a shower. Combined, that takes me 35 minutes. Add to that my 20 minute drive to work, and I could technically get up at 6:05am.

But… I like to take a little time to wake up before taking a shower. I check e-mail, listen to the radio, and sometimes make lunch or wash dishes. It’s all good.

The problem comes around 1:30pm. See, by the time I get to work, I am highly focused on what I want to accomplish, and energized. This is partially because of my morning crankiness – a trait that keeps people away from me.

So I bust my ass all morning long… working, working, working… at 11:30 I eat lunch. And then the productivity slows. Then proceeds to get worse and worse, until between 1:30 and 3pm, I am seriously ready for a nap!

Once I get home – approximately 4pm – I have a perfect opportunity to take a nap! Yay! However… if I take a nap, I know that I’ll be getting to bed after 11pm, making my 5am alarm WAY too early!

So then I have to decide… is it worth the risk, or do I ride/work out instead? The ride/work out will energize me! HooHa! And I’ll be ready for the evening.

So as I sit here contemplating my options/potential issues, I’m thinking that instead of a nap, and instead of a ride/work out…

I may plop my tired ass on the recliner and watch Seinfeld re-runs while shoveling macaroni and cheese down my gullet, which will effectively ruin my option to ride/work out because riding/working out after eating is like swimming after eating, and if I know one thing, I certainly don’t want to spend my evening puking.

Pass the remote.

A Prayer for 2007

Dear God, and all of the angels that surround us –

Thank you so much for all of the amazing things you provided and helped us with in 2006. We are so blessed, lucky and happy, and we cannot express our appreciation enough.

Since we do realize our blessings, we look forward to giving back in 2007. With personal and financial support of charities, and trying to make this world a better place with our presence.

Please allow us to continue living life completely. This will allow us to give the most of ourselves. One such wish is to help us stay healthy, and become healthier in mind and body.

Please also help those who bless us with their love and friendship to stay healthy as well.

Please allow us the peace of mind and focus to foster greatness in the things that we do. This will allow us to inspire others to greatness as well. As such, we request stability in our jobs, and lives, creating harmony within which we can work and create for the betterment of others.

We look to 2007 with hope and excitement, looking forward to great achievements and learning new things.

Please bless us with guidance to be better people and an ability to affect our world in a positive way.

Thank you for everything.
Amen.

Closin' Up '06

As 2006 comes to a close, and I begin to anticipate how amazing 2007 will be, I wanted to briefly look back one more time.

My favorite events of 2006:
* Sheryl moving in / Our decision to get married
* My surprise birthday party
* Vacation in Denver
* Starting a real job
* The Gilda’s Riders’ trip to Mackinaw City

My favorite musical events:
* Roger Waters at the Palace of Auburn Hills
* Nine Inch Nails/Bauhaus at DTE Energy Theatre
* Stewart Francke at the Scarab Club
* The Hard Lessons at Gilda’s Club
* The Hard Lessons at the Arts, Beats and Eats

The Show I Wanted to Badly See, Yet Still Missed:
* The Secret Machines at the Magic Bag

My favorite new-found music:
* Boards of Canada
* The Secret Machines “Ten Silver Drops”
* Angels & Airwaves
* David Gilmour “On An Island ”
* Edgar Froese solo works
* Jerome Froese solo works

My most frequented websites:
* Cyclingnews.com
* Pink is the New Blog
* Post Secret
* Stereogum
* Retrocrush

My favorite television shows:
* Heroes
* Nip/Tuck
* Most Haunted
* In-season cycling
* In-season football
* Hockey – a people’s history (on CBC)
* Canada Russia ’72 (on CBC)

Goals for 2007:
* Make sure Sheryl gets treated best as possible
* Complete web development course at New Horizons
* Gilda’s Riders 2007 raising a minimum of $20,000
* Logging in 1,500+ miles on my bike
* Being happy as much as possible

Have a most excellent 2007 everyone! Be safe!

Tales of Santa, part 3

So… what the heck does Santa Claus do in North Pole, Colorado ?

It is well known that Mrs. Claus loves to ski. As such, Santa and friends enjoy some vacation time there at the base of Pike’s Peak .

Now, although it’s supposed to be a vacation, Santa still hangs out with the children, finding out what they want for Christmas (If you’re reading, Santa, I would like a new vehicle to take me to and from my new job!), and he spends some time in his workshop. Mrs. Claus and the elves are really the ones who vacation, and Santa is cool with that. He realizes that he’ll have his chance to chill the week following Christmas. That’s when he goes to Hawaii , where he loves to sit on the beach with a mai tai and take long naps on the hammock on his covered patio.

You may be wondering how Santa can afford to have so many different places – and that’s a great question. Many people have bequeathed some of these homes to Santa in their will. Howard Hughes was rumored to have given Santa a sackful of money to fund development of a state of the art toyshop. D.B. Cooper is said to have donated his home to Santa when he died. Needless to say, Santa was forced to hire Prycewaterhouse and Coopers to manage his finances – and this was back in the 1950s!

Hey! I just received an e-mail from Santa. Since he’s been enjoying my postings about him, he wanted me to pass this along:

Hey Matt!
Greetings from THE North Pole! The elves and I have been working feverishly to get the last minute stuff taken care of. Like many shoppers, some of these elves wait until the last minute to get their stuff done. Man, talk about stress!
If you write another blog telling the kind people about me, please let them know that I am looking forward to cookies and milk during my trip! Hehehe… the Mrs. keeps on me about my weight, and she says that I should join you and Sheryl on one of your bike rides. Can you see me on a bike??
Anyway, remind everyone that I’m doing last minute updates on the good/bad thing. There are a few surprises on the Naughty list, and they have just a few days to make it to the Nice list!
Take care, buddy. We’ll see you soon!
Kris

Well, there you have it, folks… just a few stories about Santa. Hope you’ve been good enough to be on that Nice list – I know I have!

If the events of the last few weeks had never occurred, you would be reading a completely different blog entry.

However, since I was blessed with the job I’d been seeking for four years, I can truly say that 2006 has been a good year.

I began the year jobless, and fortunately started working at a payday advance company. I hated the job with a passion, and fumbled my way along without interest or desire to achieve success. The job paid some bills and that was all that mattered.

During the month of April, I prepped the house for a new inhabitant. Sheryl and I had decided to move in together, and as every other step in our relationship, this one felt comfortable and seemed “right”.

In June, I celebrated my 40th birthday with family, friends and tequila. This was the first party that Sheryl and I held jointly, and it won’t be the last.

As the year flew by, I busied myself with plans for Gilda’s Riders. In addition to planning this fundraiser, I also had to train for it, so riding quickly came back into my life – which I loved!
Around the same time we completed a very successful Gilda’s Ride, I began to care about my job. And the store numbers began to prove it.

I realized that I really can do anything that I put my mind to, and decided to take classes in web development. It was then that I was devastated when my boss faxed me a “termination counseling” form stating that despite my store’s growth and success, I would be terminated on Dec. 23 if I didn’t sell a number of piece of shit re-loadable debit cards.

The following week, I was blessed with my new job, and happily e-mailed my resignation.

So what did I learn from 2006?
1) It is possible to be truly happy. For more than a moment or two… it’s possible to be truly happy for a number of days in a row.
2) In order to achieve happiness, we have to struggle. That makes the taste of happiness sweeter.
3) Dreams come true. But sometimes they take years to come together.
4) Patience never comes fast enough. But when it does, whoo boy, it’s worth it!

What were my accomplishments for 2006?
1) Gilda’s Riders brought together 12 people who raised $10,000 for Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit. It was a helluva struggle, but with the help of Sheryl, Jon and Sue, it came together beyond my expectations.
2) My store at Advance America grew from 110 customers to 138 once I started caring about my job. Our bad debt dropped from over $12,000 a month to under $2,000 before I left. These successes come from having compassion and respect for the customer. In that type of job, those two things are easy to forget.
3) And personally, I feel like my best accomplishment was asking Sheryl to marry me. As I mentioned before, everything we’ve done has been comfortable and makes sense to us spiritually and logically. Quite simply, my life would not be as good as it is today without her.

More thoughts on 2006 (and 2007!) to come…

Tales of Santa Claus, part 2

As I mentioned, I have been fortunate to make Santa's acquaintance, and through some of these visits, I have learned some things that people probably aren't aware of.

One such thing is the actual number of locations that Santa spends his time at. He has a place at the North Pole, but he also has a place in North Pole, Alaska (just outside of Fairbanks), and North Pole, Colorado (not far from Pike's Peak).

North Pole, Alaska is where Santa stops during his trek around the world in order to let the reindeer refuel. Since he covers so much ground in such a short period of time, those reindeer burn off a lot of calories. In order for them to stay strong enough for the full trip, Santa stops in North Pole, Alaska, where highly trained elves cultivate fields of flying reindeer food. Most of these fields are hidden by the plentiful forests, but every once in a while, if you cruise down Richardson Highway, you can sneak a peek of the flying reindeer food fields.

In the last few years, word has gone out about the health of the reindeer, and places have started selling magic reindeer food. Most of these are good quality reindeer snacks, but there have also been cases of bogus reindeer food. Of course, carrots are good for the deer, too.

More to come...?

Tales of Santa Claus, part 1

Throughout the last bunch of years, I have been meeting up with Santa Claus in often strange places and under strange circumstances.

Now, we all know that Santa has a list of good girls and boys, and we all know that he lives at the North Pole. But there are some things about Santa that not everyone knows. I will share with you some of the things I have learned about Jolly Ol' St. Nick.

Santa actually has three places that he stays at. Ironically, each one is called "North Pole". North Pole proper is where Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves spend more of their time, making toys for the aforementioned good girls and boys.

Many people do not realize that Santa himself likes to keep his toymaking skills sharp. So nearly every day, he spends a few hours in the toyshop making toys. Santa is really cool about it, too. The elves are encouraged to learn new ways to make toys and make different kinds of toys. So Santa actually asks the elves to teach him some of these new techniques and stuff.

The biggest reason for his honing the craft of toymaking is in case Santa accidentally drops a bag of toys or if one of the reindeer accidentally step of them. Santa needs to repair the toys so the children don't get broken stuff!

Santa shared a story with me one time, which he called "the great Tickle Me Elmo fiasco". As he was speeding through California one year, one of the fighter jets that often escort him (see www.noradsanta.org), got too close and caused some unexpected turbulence. As a result, the bag that carried Tickle Me Elmo's fell thousands of feet, crashing into the desert.

This also happened to be the year that Tickle Me Elmo was all the rage, and EVERYBODY wanted one! So Santa told me that he had to fly around the surrounding areas and sprinkle emergency sleeping dust all over the place, to ensure he had enough time to fix the toys before delivering them!

He then called a few of his elite elves - who stay on shift for all of Christmas Eve just in case anything like this happens - and sent Donner and Blitzen off to retrieve the elves while he got started with the repairs. In a flash, all of the Tickle Me Elmo's were repaired to their original condition, and delivered only an hour later than expected!

So who knows... maybe YOUR Tickle Me Elmo was one of the bunch that Santa tells stories about!

More tales to come...?

The First Day...

Well, it's finally happened. I got a new job. Holy sh!t, it feels great!

I was told I had the job Thursday afternoon, and Friday I quit my job from hell (after signing the papers for the new job!) and started celebrating!! I start the new job Monday. Yay!!

This job is everything I wanted in a job for the time being, and it's a huge relief to finally be back into something I love.

My life has actually been a bit backwards from everyone else's. People seem to get into jobs/careers they hate, and then turn 40 and realize what they really want to do. I, on the other hand, got into work that I enjoyed, then by 40 was stuck into a crap job I didn't like!

But finally, that is over. As I've been telling Sheryl, this is the first day of our great life together. Previously, it had been good... Because of her, it's been good. But now, I feel like a kid who got all the Christmas presents he ever asked for!

The sun shines everywhere I look! :)

More soon!

How Does it Feel when You Accomplish Something Great?

This weekend, we accomplished the first Gilda’s Riders event. Although the event raised over $7,000 for Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit, I'm still a little numb and don’t really feel the gratification of doing something amazing.

Sheryl and I went to Mackinaw City on Friday, and once there, we headed to the island for a short stroll. After we got back, we registered for the ride, and drove the “parcourse”, so Sheryl would have an idea of what the ride entailed. By the time we got to the finish, she was scared, not sure of what she got herself into.

A little later, we went to dinner with Jon, Sue and Beth. The dinner was great, but the service really lacked. It was late, so we went back to the hotel and hit the hay.

Saturday morning, we got up too early, and got ready. The weather was gorgeous. Since 7 of our 12 riders were shooting for the 100 mile ride, we met at 7:15 for a team picture.

After pictures, we rolled out around 7:30. It was important for Sheryl to ride at her own pace, and the rest of us ended up dropping her relatively quickly. At the first downhill, I took a flier trying to warm up a bit before hitting the first hill. It felt great.

By the time we got to the first water stop, our group was down to 6. Although I was only riding 50 miles, I was keeping up pretty well with the 100 mile riders until we got to the real hills, where I got dropped. I kept close to the rest, and nearly caught the front 3 when the road split for the 50 mile course.

When I got to the first food stop, I was possibly within the first 10 to arrive. I lounged around a little bit, then continued down the road. The hills kept rolling, and my legs were getting very tired.

Aside from all this was the beauty surrounding me. The leaves were starting to change colors, and one of my favorite sections of the ride went through Wilderness National Park, where there are a number of sand dunes - a bit of the Sahara in the middle of Michigan!

As typical, I rode the rest of the ride by myself, averaging 14 miles per hour as I rode past the next water stop. The uphill grind was tearing my thighs apart, when I finally broke through to level ground.

Normally, on the long stretches of this ride, we have a head wind. This year, we were fortunate to have a tail wind instead. So I fiercely pedalled along - getting bored to the point where I began whistling to myself. I've NEVER whistled to myself on a bike ride before!

My neck and shoulders ached terribly, and I tried to relieve the pain by making circular motions with my arms. When I got to the last rest stop, I still felt strong, and knew I made the right decision to ride 50 miles. Still averaging nearly 14 mph, I finally rolled in at noon.

And what did I see??

Sheryl, smiling and waving to me. She did it - she rode her personal best 25 miles!! On top of that, she finished at 10:00am!

We lingered for a litle while, sharing stories of the road - my favorite part of the ride - then headed back to the hotel for a shower and change of clothes.

Once cleaned up, we went to the Keyhole Bar to eat and wait for other Gilda's Riders. We wolfed down some serious bar food, then broke our ice cream fast with a waffle cone. We were then ready to fall into a post-ride coma.

Around 6pm, Sue and Jon came by. We shared more stories of the road, and found out bit by bit that every one of our team members achieved their personal goals! It was VERY rewarding for me to hear that.

Six of us went to dinner at Audie's, and while we were finishing up our meals, a parade of trucks began.

Coming from the UP, these rigs blew their horns and lit up their trucks while circling Mackinaw City. It lasted at least an hour, as we completed our meals and headed back to our hotel, only to get stuck in the parade traffic!

Sheryl and I wound down the day by sitting at the campfire, sharing more stories of the day and talking about the potential of this event.

We headed to bed, and slept hard until we woke up at Sheryl's typical 5:45am.

We gradually packed up, grabbed breakfast, and headed back home.

Gilda's Riders - Mark 2006, is over.

We had many successes, many lessons learned, and a lot of excitement. Some of our riders were talking about doing it again next year - so that is encouraging.

But for me, it is time to refocus my energy on a job search, and darts. Over the next few weeks, we will ensure all of the monies have been properly attributed to our event, and then have a final tally. My original goals of 10 riders, and $7,000 have been exceeded. We had 12 riders, and the grand total is yet to be totaled.

The money we raised will be used to fund the programs at Gilda's Club Metro Detroit - a place that has helped me in so many ways. After all, I met my real-life angel there - Sheryl. And now we were able to give back a little bit.

So how does it feel when you accomplish something great?

It feels like there's something even greater to be achieved.

Stay tuned! :)

Rainy Day Dream Away

I want to begin this blog by thanking Kid Rock - his belief in my book, and his willingness to promote it to mass distribution.

Yeah, then I woke up - another one of my kooky dreams.

So this morning, we woke up to rain. We've needed rain for a while, and of course, it decides to water the grass the same day that we're supposed to have a training ride with Frankie Andreu!

Ah well, hopefully we'll reschedule before the big ride in three weeks.

Ride-wise, things are finally in slow-down mode. We are hitting up our donors and training. The jerseys are being printed and our sponsors really came through for us. I am really proud to have been able to work with Sheryl, Jon and Sue during the planning of this event. They have certainly made my vision become a reality!

My brother and his family came home for the weekend from Atlanta. It is always so good to have the family together, and we had the profound opportunity to do that last night. With everyone finally doing well, it appears that the only thing that needs to happen yet for our family is for me to get a real job. And it appears that it will likely happen sometime soon.

I've finally gotten a number of good leads, and I look forward to getting back into the business!

Dart season is coming up soon, too. We had our banquet from last season on this past Friday, and it was a little strange... see, in order to bring in a couple of new players into the league, we had to split up our team, which I had come into the league with. Hopefully, though, we can grow the league into one that is bigger and better as a result. One never knows!

Life is good right now. With all the job leads, there is a lot of hope. I can't wait to finally do the things with Sheryl that I've always wanted to do... like travel, go to nice restaurants, and even buy her the occasional floral bouquet. She just ordered her first pair of bike shorts today, so it looks like we're on tap to do more riding together.

I wonder if there are people out there still reading this blog besides Nicole. I want to thank anyone who does read this for their patience. It's been a crazy summer planning Gilda's Riders, and I haven't been able to keep up with everything.

On one more note, August 31 will be the 4th anniversary of my last chemo treatment. October 23, 2007 will be my official five year anniversary.... Ho-lee shizzle...

So what comes next after Gilda's Riders? Well, perhaps Gilda's Riders 2. More importantly to me, however, I will be working on a cancer survivor program. The one I need still eludes me, so maybe it's up to me to make it happen.

What do I need exactly? I don't know. But what I do know is that there is still a lot of crap in my head that needs to be straightened out. See, it appears that life is good and well - which it is - but inside, there are still a lot of issues I need to resolve. But whatever I've got to say about that will have to wait for another day.

Until then, I'll dream away...

Blah Blah Blog...

Blogging has been a great way to express myself and keep my writing chops in shape.

However, there has been so much on my plate lately, that it's been difficult to keep up. As it is, I am writing this on my Palm while passing time at 41B district court in Mt. Clemens.

My days are spent at a job that I despise, and clouds my vibrance while sucking the life out of me.

Ever since my cancer experience, I never expected to be in such a position. However, I do it because I have to - I cannot quit because of my commitment to Sheryl and my house - wait, did I just use "commitment" and "Sheryl" in the same sentence??

Anyhow, this sucky job is also building character... apparently, I need more character...

Believe it or not, the purpose of this blog is not to bitch about my job... rather, it is also to speak about the successes we are having with Gilda's Riders. As I began saying - before I spun WAY off tangent - my days are spent at work, and once I get home, I eat, then make my way through bunches of e-mails - most of which I am immediately unable to respond to.

Most of these e-mails revolve around Gilda's Club / Gilda's Riders.

Because we got a late start on the event, we're rushing around like crazy. However, we've been successful in securing sponsors, and getting our jerseys in line. Finally, we are seeing fruits of our labor!

Next steps include group rides and attracting more riders and donations. If you are interested at all in making a tax-deductible donation to Gilda's Riders, you can send checks to Gilda's Club Metro Detroit, or you can donate online - just make sure you mention "Gilda's Riders" in the memo fields!

Come September 19, I will be in a position to write about something else.... or will I? Hmmm...

I can't wait to find out!

The Road to Forever

At what point did time start moving so fast? I've neglected this site so badly that my one or two readers are probably off reading something else at this point...

I'll pause a moment for them to come back...

Hmmmm... just a moment more, then I gotta move on with this.

Hello? Okay, well, I guess we're the only ones here now.

So my life these days has been consumed by the bike, Gilda's Club and the job that I really don't like. And because summer nights always get me in a contemplative mood, here I am contemplating things...

I met an amazing woman Saturday - Heidi Adams, the brains behind www.planetcancer.com. Although we have communicated via e-mail on occasion (mostly my saying that she really needed to have my book for sale on her website!), she probably didn't recognize me or my name. Nonetheless, she asked me what I was up to, and I told her about the job and the Gilda's Riders event. Her response - so you're still feeding your soul - nailed where I seem to be right now.

I feel like I am momentarily caught in a job that nurtures mediocrity. And my destiny is far from simple mediocrity - I truly feel that I am destined for greatness... but I need to find that greatness and let it out.

Gilda's Riders is a good step in that direction, and I try to keep that in mind.

Yep. Greatness is within my grasp... I just need to quit flailing about and grab the damn thing!

In the meantime, I'll bide my time, enjoy each day for what it is worth and watch the cosmos for opportunities of brilliance...

Thirty Sleeping Dogs

As the last few hours of my thirties creep by, I can say without regret:

Buh - frickin' - bye!

The years between 30 and 39 have been both amazing and yucky. I put 15,000+ miles on my bike, saw Alaska and Montana and Iowa via two wheels, I met an amazing woman (who moved in with me), and I have met some of the most influential people in my life.

But, I also went through 4 different jobs, lost a couple of the most amazing men in my life and oh yeah, had a bout of cancer.

I'm not going to dwell on all that has been. I am grossly a "glass half full guy", and every day is my future, and I see moments of brilliance and occurrences of something amazing happening every day.

Bring on 40. I'm ready for anything...

And ready to make awesome things happen.

Let sleeping dogs lie and let the thirties go by
I'm not gonna miss them.

Got Ketchup?

Pete Campbell once told me that the greatest compliment anyone could give you was to throw you a surprise birthday party. Although Pete was an idiot, I had to agree.

This weekend, I was given the greatest compliment. For those of you who were there, I cannot thank you enough. I am a very lucky person to have the friends and family I have. My beloved mentor, George Clark, told me over and over again that good attracts good. And if that's true, then I must truly be a good person.

The most beautiful thing that happened for me Saturday night occurred almost immediately after I walked in. I made my way around the room and greeted every person in attendance.

Oh, and the tequila shots didn't suck too much, either! :)

A lot of people get hung up on turning a certain age. In my case, it was 28. I was celebrating my birthday while living in Texas, and I felt like I hadn't lived up to the amazing things that I should have been doing with my life.

Seven years later, I was celebrating my birthday loaded to the gills with chemo.

It's all about perspective. Turning 40 will be a blessing.

My dad died at the age of 48, and my goal ever since then was to see 49. But as long as I have some semblance of health, why not shoot for 80+?

I spent 39 years accomplishing everything I needed to accomplish in life. Now, there are amazing things that I need to accomplish with Sheryl by my side. You just watch... one of these days, Sheryl and I will be on Oprah or something, inspiring others to achieve the great things that are already inside of them.

I can't wait for June 20th and my 40th birthday. I can't wait for my 50th birthday and 60th, too.

Each and every day is chock full of stories and accomplishments, and as fast as time goes by, each year is like a lifetime to me.

I am a lucky man, and am eternally grateful for all of my friends and family - particularly the ones who helped me usher in my 4th decade of life.

God bless and all good things...

Ahhh... a day of complete and absolute rest...

It started by waking up by 9am, going out and sitting on the deck, enjoying the sounds of morning.

Then, all of a sudden, I'm trimming bushes in the front yard, edging and mowing the lawn, and watering the grass! It was 90 frigging degrees outside!

Oy. I need to re-evaluate my days of rest...

Times like these...

I got home from work today, thinking one thought: I'm so glad that I can ride tonight!

My training mileage was upped yesterday to 15 miles per day, 3-4 times per week. Damn, it feels good to push myself again!

And I don't just mean physically. A girl once told me that there's nothing a little VO2 max and Eastern religion can't take care of. She was talking about martial arts, but the same goes for riding. If you ride long enough, you will suffer. Sufferring brings on the fight or flight reactions in your body, which in turn heighten your sense of awareness.

Once you complete the sufferring, your body still hums on that heightened sense of awareness. And although I've been off the bike for 3 hours, that's still where I am.

Life is good.
Life is great.

Thanks, Frankie!

Wow. Today was one of those days when you don't realize all of the greatness going on around you until you look back on it.

We kicked off Gilda's Riders with a lecture by Frankie Andreu. Frankie talked about behind the scenes of the Tour de France. It was quite entertaining. We had pictures taken, and Frankie left with a copy of Cancerboy.

I gotta say, Frankie was a lot of fun, and a terrific person.

Here is a little speech I prepared for tonight:

Hi. My name is Matt Cummings. I am a volunteer and member here at Gilda's Club. I am also a cancer survivor.

Prior to my diagnosis in 2002, I had participated in MS rides and the AIDS vaccine research rides. As a result, I was in the best shape of my life when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease.

Quite simply, cycling saved my life.

Once I finished my chemotherapy and radiation treatments, I was consumed with the need to give back. And that's how I ended up here at Gilda's Club.

I developed a deep love for this place - a place that helps so many people in the Metro Detroit area.

One of the greatest things about this place - aside from the staff and membership - is all of the programs it provides for free to cancer patients, survivors, their friends and families.

Last November, I was extemely fortunate to meet Frankie Andreu and share my concept of a fundraiser that combines two of my passions - cycling and Gilda's Club.

The fact that Frankie is here tonight to help us launch the fundraiser is not only a testament to the concept, but also to Frankie's character, and his desire to give back to his community as well.

This fundraiser is called "Gilda's Riders", and consists of a team of riders who will train to ride the Big Mac Scenic Fall Tour in September, while committing to raise a minimum of $250 a piece.

I would like for you to consider joining Gilda's Riders - we have information available on the table outside of this room. If you've already decided to join us, we have a sign up sheet out there as well. If nothing else, I hope you will at least consider making a donation to this wonderful place.

With that said, I am extremely honored to introduce an American cycling legend, Frankie Andreu.

We had a couple of people sign up to be on our team, and a bunch of people took information home with them.

I feel like I've been working so hard on this project, and tonight a slight weight has been taken off my shoulders. What's really important to me is that Michael Radner thought tonight was a success. And looking at it from his point of view, it really was.

Part of cancer's devastation is that you can rarely predict it. When those people left Gilda's Club tonight, nearly every one of them walked away with some sort of information pertaining to Gilda's Club.

After all, since we're all on this planet together, we may as well help each other out, eh?

Crazy is just another point of view...

Sometimes life just gets freakishly crazy. For me, that time is right now.

Despite what it may sound like, I am not complaining. I enjoy being busy, as long as I know there will be a chance to relax after the work is done.

These days, "the work" includes getting the house in shape after Sheryl moved in, and preparations for our big Frankie Andreu lecture at Gilda's Club on Wednesday, kicking off the Gilda's Riders fundraiser.

Keeping up with these things while maintaining 2 nights of darts per week and one night of tai chi is pretty difficult. That's the only reason I'm glad that both dart seasons are over for me.

Let me take a step back, though, and talk a bit about Sheryl moving in. Prior to her move, I worked at fixing up the bedroom - it was the only room in the back of my house that hasn't been touched since I moved in back in December 1996. I removed carpeting, replaced a ceiling fan, and painted, painted, painted!

Once she moved in, though, we had to find a place for Sheryl's stuff... combining 2 households into 1 has been interesting. But the nice thing is that both of us realize that our stuff is simply "stuff", and we are finding that we have an attachment to only a few things. Everything else goes in a garage sale!!

While still wading though that "stuff", we have been dedicating a lot of time to "Gilda's Riders". From developing a logo and flyers to discussing sponsorship levels, we have been neck deep in this project. Fortunately, we have had amazing support from some friends and family members, which has taken much of the stress of us, so we can deal with getting our house together.

Nonetheless, things have been extremely stressful. Although I'm nearly 40, I still consider myself pretty young, though, and can handle the stress for now. Once we get past the phrenetic preparations of Frankie's lecture, we'll have a brief moment to breathe before the second wave hits...

It's all good. I love my life and I all but one thing about it right now. That one thing is that I had a second interview with a company that seemed right up my alley last week, but they apparently went with someone else. Really took the wind right outta me.

But... everything happens for a reason, and I know that something amazing awaits me each time I get out of bed.

And I can't wait to find out what it is!!!

Gilda's Riders FAQs, part 1

It's not always easy to fully explain your own concept. Being too close to the issue, it's hard to step back and look at broad issues. As a result, I have invited some people to ask questions about the Gilda's Riders fundraiser for Gilda's Club. Here is part one:

What happens if I am 1/2 way through the ride and can't make it all of the way?

The Big Mac ride - which we wil be doing - has 25, 50, 75 and 100 mile courses. Although it is our goal to train for the 100 mile ride, riding the 100 miles is not required. You can choose to ride a shorter distance. Also, the ride will have a sag wagon available. If you have problems or need help, someone will be by to help you out.

Do all of the funds I raise go directly to Gilda's Club?

Yes, yes, yes! There is a planning committee, and a group of other people, who are working to find Gilda's Riders sponsors - companies that will donate to the cost of the event in return for their logo being placed on our jerseys for advertising purposes. However, as a rider, ALL donations you receive will go directly to Gilda's Club Metro Detroit.

What kind of support will be available for me during the ride? (Water, ambulance, etc.)

The ride course has plenty of water and food stops, and as I mentioned, there are regular drive-bys from sag wagons

Are there any places to take a break for lunch, or to use the bathroom?

Every 10 miles or so, there are break stops, where you can get some food, fluids and relieve yourself as well. In addition, there are plenty of wooded areas if you can't quite hold it...

What happens if it rains? Is there an alternate date?

The event will take place on September 16, rain or shine.

Well, that's all for now! Stay tuned!

Bee Busy

Things will start slowing down a little bit now, and I might be able to post a little more often. I am looking forward to focusing on riding again - especially since the warmer weather seems to have broken here in the midwest...

ATTENTION BICYCLISTS
(AND CYCLING WANNABE’S)!

Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit is now recruiting individuals
in search of an amazing journey!

¨ Do you have something to prove to yourself?
¨ Do you believe that you can be an even greater source of inspiration to someone you love?
¨ Do you want to support Gilda’s Club?
¨ Do you believe in aiming high?

Become a part of something BIG… join Gilda’s Riders!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
With the help of
2-Time Olympian and 9-Time Tour de France rider
(and Lance Armstrong teammate)
Frankie Andreu…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Our goals are:
¨ to help you train for and ride up to 100 miles in one day

in Mackinaw City, MI in September 2006, and;
¨ to raise at least $2,500 for Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit!

TOGETHER, WE CAN DO IT!!

For more information, please contact:
Michelle Warren Matt Cummings
(248) 577-0800 or (248) 547-8033
mwarren@gildasclubdetroit.org mattc2k3@yahoo.com

Miles to Goal...

Recently, I blogged about how my Hodgkin's diagnosis altered my ability to set goals. I said that I haven't figured out how to regain my goal-focus.

Well, things have improved dramatically.

They say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I've recently realized that my lack of goal setting was a problem, and it hindered any attempts I made at achieving the great things that I've been put on this planet to do.

So I started training in the morning before I went to work, riding 10 miles prior to eating breakfast and taking a shower. Riding has always helped clear my head, but it wasn't solely the riding that helped me out this time.

When I get into the shower, I repeat my daily affirmations over and over. Then, on my way into work, I shut off the car radio and really come to terms about myself, my life and my future. It has been the best silence ever.

I finally came to understand that I am a helper by nature. I don't require riches or toys. I don't require fame or the spotlight. However, I am willing to take on all of those things if it will help someone or something else.

Unknowingly, Sheryl has helped me understand a lot more about myself than I expected. Her love and support gives me a safety net. She's always behind me, rooting me on, and seeing as that I've never allowed anyone to do that for me before, I'm realizing what I've missed out on.

A few weeks ago, I sat down and forced myself to envision a future. My experience with cancer made me realize that today may be our last, and that is how I lived my life for nearly four years. This was my downfall.

Although it is incredibly important to realize that life is precious, and that each breath could be our last, we still need to plan for the future.

For me, my future is now paved with goals, and I feel like a complete person again. I am hungry and ambitious. I am extremely happy and gratious.

I can't wait to see how much more amazing my life will be!

The Pressure (in the tires) Is On!

The other day, I was telling Sheryl that I can't wait to blog about important stuff, rather than blogging about personal updates. Well, guess what?? Important stuff rears its head!

Yesterday, I sent out an e-mail, discussing the bike ride fundraiser I'm doing for Gilda's Club. The meat and potatoes:

####################
Each September, there is a ride that occurs in Mackinaw City, called the "Big Mac". A person can ride 25, 50, 75 or 100 miles during this one-day bike tour.

I had the idea that we could get a team of people together and train to accomplish the 100 mile route. In addition, we could get each person to raise a minimum of $250. Occasionally, riders might answer questionnaires and perhaps even document their journey in a notebook. They might even be interviewed.

All of this documentation would be put together into a book, which could also be sold to generate additional funds for Gilda's Club.

To motivate us, I thought it would be cool to have a local cycling celebrity come do a presentation at Gilda's Club. Well, not only did 2-time Olympian and 9-time Tour de France rider (not to mention long-time teammate of Lance Armstrong and OLN commentator) Frankie Andreu agree to this, but he also offerred to develop training plans to help us achieve our goal, PLUS, he agreed to do a training ride with us as well!

This event has suddenly become a series of exciting possibilities for Gilda's Club, and although it's still early, I have a goal for this event to raise $7,000 - not including the proceeds from the book.

Here is where I am in great need of help. I am seeking riders, donors and sponsors.

Riders - join my team and challenge yourself to train and ride 100 miles (the cycling equivalent of a marathon) in Mackinaw City in September 2006. Each rider will be required to raise a minimum of $250.

Donors - Gilda's Club is a non-profit organization. Donations are tax-deductible. Personally, I am seeking to raise $1,500, so a donation of any amount would be appreciated and put to great use at the clubhouse.

Sponsors - the team of riders will be dealing with transportation issues, to and from Mackinaw City, as well as bike supplies and Mackinaw City accommodations. We are looking for companies willing to sponsor us to help offset those costs. Each sponsor will have their logo printed on our team jersey, which will be worn during training rides, and at the Big Mac ride itself.

I am also on the lookout for a handful of planning committee members. Lord knows I can use more input!

If you - and/or anyone you know - are interested in knowing more about any of these opportunities, please please PLEASE contact me and let me know. I would be happy to provide further details. Heck, I'll bring you to Gilda's Club and show you what a wonderful place it is, and why it's worth participating in this event!
##################

I never know who is reading my blog, so I wanted to put the info out here and see what sort of response I get. I am really excited to take this journey and see where it ends up. The money will help keep Gilda's Club providing much needed support for people who are experiencing cancer - either their own or a loved one's.

Well, that's about it for now... blog ya later!

Whirlwind, whirl!

I've got to admit... right now, my life is amazing. Crazy. Crazily amazing.

Prior to being treated for Hodgkin's Disease, I was goal-oriented and successful. I had recognized that my career was starting to go nowhere, and thought I'd head off into a new direction - in occupational therapy. Well, the universe had other plans for me. I got sick and although I survived, my life was turned upside down.

I wanted to do everything, and not miss a single opportunity. I wanted to have fun for the rest of my life... and that's exactly where I headed. Jobless, I met an amazing girl, but wasn't able to give her the things I wanted to give her. Heck, I couldn't even afford flowers.

Then I got that five-week job, and getting laid off from there REALLY sucked the wind out of me. I completely lost any focus I thought I had... and ambition? That could have been a four-letter word for all I knew!

So here I am, a changed man.

I came to understand everything I was doing wrong. I learned that I was goal-less and unfocused. I had forgotten it all.

But not anymore.

So what's so different these days? Well, to start, I've got this job that has forced me to look at what I REALLY wanted from a job. And I started to focus. I started making goals. I started to change the defeatist thoughts I had.

And positive things have already come about. I had an interview last week for a job right up my alley. This week, I'm supposed to have a second interview with the company.

I am getting things underway for the big bike ride fundraiser for Gilda's Club in September. I am gathering together a few folks who can help make this happen - and it's very exciting!

So, despite being incommunicado for a while, things are going really well. I am so excited about how things are going now, and am really looking forward to see how things pan out in the future. I realize why I am on this planet, and I am constantly looking for opportunities to accomplish my purpose.

Wow, that sounded cult-ish!

Anyhow, with so much going on, I may not be blogging very regularly... but keep checking, I'll be blogging as often as I can!

If you've got any thoughts, or a desire to help me make this Gilda's Club fundraiser amazing, or just wanna say hi, drop me a line: mattc2k3@yahoo.com

Ciao for now!

Oodles O' Fun

Hey gang, thanks for checking in! It's been forever since I blogged, and unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to catch up right now.

Lots of amazing things have been happening! I'll keep you posted as soon as I get some time! :)

Much love, much peace!

Cancerboy as survivor

I've been noodling around with an idea for a sequel to "Cancerboy". It talks about what happens after I survived cancer.

I'm curious to see how many other people were affected by cancer survivorship like I am.

See, when you achieve the title of "survivor", life is amazing. You realize that you can do anything... and you can do everything. And you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Cancer rewrote the rules of life for me. I lost my career drive and lost the understanding for needing and achieving goals. I found myself waiting to pounce on the next great experience - the next thing that would define my reason for being on this planet - without ever achieving anything.

This month, I honor the 4th anniversary of my Hodgkin's diagnosis. My life is nothing like it was four years ago - and definitely for the better. But there are those nagging thoughts about why I can't seem to develop and shoot for goals - I was always a goal-oriented person.

The world isn't yet fully aware of the needs of cancer survivors - and I don't know what specifically is needed.

All I know is that I love and adore my life so much more now than I did pre-Hodgkin's. There are significant parts of my life that are extremely more fulfilling than ever before - particularly my love life. But there are other parts of my life that are lacking more than ever - particularly my career. And I wonder why. Is it normal?

I don't know. I think perhaps I need to keep noodling.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

My mother is a saint. Not only that, but she taught my brothers and I some of the most important things in life. In my mind, respect is probably the top of that list.

This week, I was doing some reading... trying to understand my role on this planet a little more fully. As a result, by Friday, I felt like I had a pretty good grasp on things... and then it happened...

Despite working towards getting past my ego, I found myself feeling disrespected by a co-worker. I got angry. Pissed. But then I realized that I was the only one who was hurt by this. I was able to let it go.

Temporarily, it seems.

At darts that night, a guy on the other team started the whole disrespect thing, too. This time, it wasn't only against me, but also against some of my teammates.

And I realized that no matter how hard I work at getting past things like these, there are always assholes in the world - people who may care so little about themselves that they feel the need to impose their misery upon the rest of us.

Although this may come off like I'm whining, the purpose of this post goes beyond my stories. I just want to remind people how much better the world is - how much more fun life is - if we all treat each other with a little respect. Remember the golden rule? We're so much better than we give ourselves credit for. Let's start living that way, eh?

Peace and love, kids!

The Tide is Turning, Sylvester...

Well, it certainly seems like my life continues to change. With this job I'm at, I am constantly changing locations and hours. The days are getting longer, and there's that itchy feeling that spring is right around the corner.

I feel like things around me are refusing to stand still... that I can't plant my feet firmly on the ground. And that tells me that my life is in the middle of evolution.

I can't say that I'm comfortable with that feeling, but I do feel a sense of reuniting with an old friend - change.

See, with the struggles I've had over the past year or two... or should I say LIFE or two... I feel that the building blocks of my life we being broken down... only to be rebuilt - better, faster, stronger.

Nearly every day, I feel happy and sad. I feel strong and weak. And nearly every day, I feel that I'm on the brink of some brilliance, and I'm one step further away from the rut I was in for so long...

Whatchoo been up to, Willis?!

Yeah, I know, it's been AGES since I last blogged. Whatever could have been keeping me from blogging?

Work.

Yep, I said it.

Work.

I have been working for nearly four weeks now, and I have finally gotten into some sort of routine, which allows me to do stuff besides work and sleep.

That said, how about them Olympics?

Is Chad Hedrick an ass, or what? Did Bode Miller suck because he wasn't wasted? The Austrians were! The US hockey team has once again shown how lame they can be. Granted, I love a lot of those players, but come on, our hockey program can't suck THAT bad!

Speaking of suck... what's up with the Canadian hockey team? Did they forget how to play, or did Janet Gretzky bet against them?

Lots of stuff has been going on.

Our tai chi has been kicked up a notch. Sheryl and I have quickly become favorites of our instructors. It's probably because they yell at me so much. Thankfully, Sheryl was the one they yelled at today!!

So the job I have isn't exactly what I'm looking for, but it's something for now. It's a step forward, and although I did a lot of bitching about it at first, it could be a lot worse. For instance, I could be forced to watch figure skating 40 hours a week... or even 20 minutes...

Hopefully, as I continue my search for a job from Nirvana, I will have the time to blog a bit more.

Until then, may your life be filled with all great things...