Once again, I breathe a heavy sigh of relief.

For some reason, I had a really bad feeling going to see my pulmonologist today to get the results of this weeks' CT scan.

To be honest, I am getting tired of seeing the doctor and being told that although I feel fine, that something is wrong with me.

Fortunately, today's news was good, and I can breathe again.

Nothing abnormal showed up on the scan, and the last loose end is tied up...

I think we know everything that is wrong with me for now, and I can focus on the future once again.

Whew!

When I was old...

Every once in a while, I wonder if I have lived up to the potential I had as a kid.

The thought popped into my head again this morning.

As kids, we are often asked what we want to be when we grow up. I, for one, never thought about being a technical writer until my junior year in college.

But I had skills!

In 2nd and 3rd grade, I used to write stories for extra credit. I would compete with my classmates to see who could write the longest report. I was a freak.

I still am!

But as a kid, I wanted to be a baseball player. I lived and loved baseball. And I was good at it, too.

I ended up throwing my arm out by high school, though, and never liked the idea of getting hit by pitches. So I ended up sucking at baseball.

I was always thinking, though, and was often included in classes to promote intelligence and creativity. I never understood why I was in the same classes with all of the smart kids. I did okay in school, but never truly exerted myself. It’s true that I may have blown an opportunity or two, but as I get older, I wonder if I was bored, or was borderline ADD.

As a kid, we could be anything we wanted. It’s so strange to hear stories of people I grew up with becoming an alcoholic, or work at a gas station their whole lives.

Most of the kids in my “special” classes became engineers, politicians or economists.

What have I done with my life? Have I achieved everything I could with what I had to work with?

Oddly enough, that question haunts me daily. I think that as we get older, and are faced with the back side of our lifetime, we start thinking about that. As a cancer survivor, I started thinking about it earlier than most people.

And so as I wonder about all of the things little 8-year-old Matthew could have achieved in his life, I have to admit that he could have accomplished a whole lot more if he tried harder and wasn’t so lazy.

Then again, is it really fair to ask? After all, who is to say that this is not the most rewarding path Matthew could have taken in his life?

Bringing joy to people, being remembered for good nature and good heart helps determine whether we have lived a good life in the long run. If Matthew had become a doctor, could he have saved many lives? Sure, but would he inspire others by writing about his experiences? That’s possible, too.

We just don’t know what we don’t know. And if thinking about these things makes us strive to become a better person, then what’s the harm?

I think that although Matthew might have strived for more, he would think his 42-year-old self was pretty darn cool – and certainly worth looking up to and forward to.

So get this...

A couple of days ago, I was invited to a roundtable discussion held today with my congressman regarding healthcare reform.

Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

It was really cool, and although we didn't get into as much detail as all of us may have hoped, it was very exciting to be involved in discussions that will change our healthcare system.

Of course, it was pretty cool that my congressman now has a copy of my book, too! :)

So when I got the call the other night, I did a little research, by calling and talking to others who have had a lot of experience in the realm of healthcare. I wanted to go into this meeting well informed and prepared.

As a result of those discussions, I decided that my biggest concerns regarding healthcare were making insurance available to everyone (maybe on a universal-type level), and patient advocacy.

Part of my problem with the healthcare system as it is is that when I was being treated for Hodgkin's, the insurance company and finances dictated some of the decisions I had to make. Given the choices, though, I made my choices and I accept them. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to have more choices to choose from.

Another problem I had was that I had lost my job, and lost my COBRA coverage, and therefore, once I signed up for insurance again, I had a pre-existing condition which would allow the insurance company to not cover me.

Everyone should be able to make their choices by having plenty of options. No one should be dropped from insurance because they miss a payment by one day.

Unfortunately, there are so many sub-issues to this huge problem, that it's tough to figure out where to even start.

But start we did. And I was a part of it.

Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

Well, I was willing to do something about it - so right or wrong, that's all that matters - I tried.

Ye Olde Sombrero

This week has been crazy nuts. As I sit here tonight, I am trying to filter all of the emotions, thoughts and feelings from the week.

Tomorrow is a huge day for me and my quest for excellence. Yet Sheryl and I attended a funeral today, and although I attended for moral support, I find that it is impossible to squeak through without feeling heavy emotion. And yes, I can be emotional even if I can't cry... I think! :)

Nonetheless, I am sitting, thinking, and being. In the old days, I would be wasted by now, thinking I'm having a moment of existentialism. Today, that would be completely wrong to attempt.

I hope to post this weekend and tell you about my big day tomorrow. I'm really excited to be a part of something important.

Good night my friend(s)... may your dreams in sleep give flight to dreams in real life...

Take Your Shot

Well, life threw me another curve. This time, I've been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome. I can't help but wonder how Rasputin and/or Hitler felt after the many attempts on their lives. I mean, I've been fortunate now to survive an accident, cancer, and now a freaking syndrome!

I almost don't care. I very well realize that when I die, it will be my turn. However I die, I cannot control. A good friend of mine used to say that you can't drown a man born to hang. I used to joke that it would be my luck that on the last day of my cancer treatments, I would walk outside and get hit by a bus.

Hilarious, huh?

So while spending all of this time in the healthcare system, I wanted to do something positive about it. When I was a kid, I always felt like I could save the world (without saving a cheerleader - although that coulda been fun), but I still feel like I haven't made my mark yet. Still haven't accomplished saving the world. I thought my book was my mark, but apparently it wasn't.

So how do you achieve greatness? How do you become a hero?

I have no idea.

However, when I saw that President Obama began discussions regarding healthcare reformation, I said, "Hey, I have some experience to share!"

So I wrote both the White House and my congressman.

Hello, Mr. President, I am here to help, and I happen to be looking for greatness.

In the 60's, there used to be a saying: "Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?"

Sometimes, if you simply do whatever you can, you can avoid being the former.

I'm trying to do my best, to be part of the solution - god knows I could also use a little good karma!

What do you have to give?

Take your best shot.

While You See a Chance...

When you have a blog, it is important to keep it up. After all, you never know who is going to be reading it.

Just the other day, I learned that music icon Steve Winwood read my blog!

Pretty exciting, huh?!

Yeah, I made that part up. As far as I know, Steve Winwood doesn't give a rat's ass about my blog. However, the three or four of you who do read it, have been looking at the same blog since early last month.

LOOK! Something NEW! :)

The thing is, not a lot has been going on in my life. I have no thoughts, no ideas, nothing. Instead, I have been trying to keep from freezing my gonads, suffering through this terrible cold weather.

As you may recall, I had blogged about Americana, and how there is something about it that fascinates me. In my freezer block noggin haze lately, I have been dreaming about taking a drive along Route 66 though California, Arizona and New Mexico.

I don't know why, but I am strangely attracted to that idea. And the colder I get, the more I get to thinking about cruising the American desert.

Yesterday, Sheryl and I placed an order for new windows in the back of our house. Now, understand that although the thermostat in our house read 70 degrees this morning, when I got out of bed, it was flipping 59 flipping degrees in our room!

Since Sheryl is my hot piece of Ferndale sunshine, the only other reason for the cold could be my frozen heart. Or the crappy-ass 1950s windows we have in our bedroom. I'm not sure exactly which...

In any case, our blue toes tainted our decision for windows yesterday. And I'm thinking that the rest of 2009 will be dedicated to my paraphrase of Stephen King via Jack Nicholson in Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of "The Shining":

"All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners." "All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners." "All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners."

So while the rest of the world gets their 2009 kicks on Route 66, I will be relishing the melting of my toes, my nose, my fingers, my brain.

And maybe - just maybe - my heart, too.

Make no mistake, I recognize that my wife and I are incredibly blessed to be weathering this economy - no matter how cold it may be. And as long as the literal road is not traveled, it will still be there for the experience to be had.

It's been my experience that everything happens as it should, whether I/we like it or not. So although I may whine and piss and moan, I understand and recognize how amazing life is.

And I realize that it's about the journey -

And I freakin' LOVE that!

Happy square root day! Pi for everyone!

Ummm, pizza, ummm, chicken, ummm, pudding...

Food for thought.

Good god, I've got a lot on my mind these days!

First of all, Sheryl and I don't celebrate Hallmark holidays. That doesn't stop me, though, from realizing how much I am in love.

I never thought I would be blogging, let alone blogging all gaga about some chick - let alone my wife!

But I was thumbing through Cancerboy today, and I realized that I love my story. I love the underdog survivalship, and the "when good things finally happen to good people" story.

I realized, too, that Cancerboy was only the first part of my life. The second part of my life begins and continues with Sheryl.

These days, though, it seems like everyone is struggling somehow. And a lot of us are looking for a voice - a beacon of hope and encouragement.

Having a new president helps immensely. It's still too early to tell for sure, but he seems like he's doing all of the right things. Oddly enough, I feel the tide is turning. America is getting overthe shock of the financial punch in the mouth, and we are shaking it off, stepping back into our corner to catch our breath, and develop new tactics.

People have been saying that Michiganians and Americans in general are resilient, and I'm truly beginning to see that.

This country was founded on the dreams and hopes of people once ostracized. Our forefathers rallied together during tough times and built a country that so many are proud to be a part of.

For how many years now have we children of the 70s bitched about today's generation, and their lack of responsibility? Everything being handed to them on a platter, and they don't even recognize and appreciate it?

Were those the same things told about us as we grew up?

I'm not so sure.

Yes, we had it better than our parents. And grandparents. But we still earned, learned, respected and appreciated what we had.

So look what happened. Kids are having to pitch in now and earn their lot. Kind of a karmic happenstance, eh?

But what I'm excite about is that we are approaching a time of great and unique ideas. Our world is going to change, and it's up to us to decide whether the change will be for good... or for evil.

I'm thinking it'll be the former.

I stood in the white field of snow,
Wind howling at my back,
Bare trees shivering against the cold.

The sun refused to shine.

My frozen hands pulled my coat tight against me.
My body numb as I wondered which direction would help me get home.
I was motionless in distress.

My head spinning, my heart sick.

On the horizon of the white canvas,
I noticed a speck of hope.

I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore.
I crawled until my extremities were raw.

I carried on, towards that beacon of hope.

Lost, we sent our cries into the wind,
Brave, we continued, refusing to give up.

When I saw your eyes, there was a fulfillment of hope.
Your smile warmed my heart.
My smile warmed yours.

Together, we broke through the clouds,
The sun curing our ills.

Hand in hand, we looked in every direction.
And we continued – forward –
Forging our own direction home,
Daisies nipping at our heels.

Happy birthday, my not drunken punkin'! Thanks for helping me find my way!

History and Beyond...

On the eve of the singlemost important day in many peoples' lives, I thought I'd jump on the "Making History" bandwagon.

As overwhelming (and sometimes claustrophobic) as the Barack Obama media blitz is, I am finding more and more how much I like Mr. Obama.

Having battled my way through numerous crises in my life, I have always relied on hope. On days when I didn't have hope, I knew that it would come back the next day.

Frankly, if it wasn't for hope, I would not be alive right now.

These are the crappiest and darkest days that our country has seen in my lifetime. Yet people all over the country are smiling and happy - because they now have hope. Hope - the flickering candle in the dark; a mothers' calming voice in the middle of a storm.

I am thrilled that our country's new leader can instill that comfort in this scourge of unease.

But here's something else that I am finding great interest in thanks to our 44th president: History.

Obama came from the great state of Lincoln, and found his passion and dreams in great leaders of our past. And Obama has a way to bring those ideals to life for everyday people. I admire that.

A great man learns from the mistakes of the past - and the successes as well.

Now, I understand that the heavens aren't going to shine gold down upon us in the moments of Obama's inauguration. I also know that it is too early to put the man on a pedestal. I am eager to see what he can do. I am excited to bask in the hope that he stirs within us.

And I am happy for the history lessons that I am being given through this one extraordinary event.

Noodles

Alright, let me throw this out there and see if it sticks...

In 2002, when I was sick, I began undergoing a mid-life crisis - at 35 years old. I learned and gained an understanding of a lot of things at that time, and one of the most important was to take advantage of the time you have.

Yes, having my personality means that I have taken this to the extreme. Simply, I hate having down time. I hate wasting time - unless it's planned, like sitting on the beach and drinking fruity drinks with umbrellas.

So here's my thought: Maybe I hate winter so much because I feel like I'm cooped up. I don't like being cold, so it's not likely that I'll be going outside for a walk or a bike ride, or to water the plants, whatever.

By being cooped up inside, I have options: watch TV, eat, clean or fix something.

Some choices, huh?

So perhaps my inate hatred of winter doesn't come from simply being cold, but also because I feel like I'm stuck and wasting time.

Hmmmm...

Hibernation Spacin'

It's cold here in the Metro Detroit area... and it's fixin' to be colder later this week!

As I get older, I realize one thing more and more: I HATE WINTER.

Given the chance, I will certainly become a snowbird - warm weather in winter, warm weather in summer. The operative word being...?

Today I can't seem to shake off the malaise. I feel like I want to hibernate. We got an assload (I think that's the official AWS term...) of snow this weekend, and I had my bronchoscopy, so we were limited to what we could do. Granted, the house needed a good cleaning, so at least something was accomplished...

The bottom line, though, is that after a couple of days of laying around, I dread the thought of going outside. And I dread the thought of doing nothing.

But I love the idea of being undercovers and asleep!

But I also love the idea of seeing and feeling the sun, brewing up some Vitamin D and breathing fresh air.

What's a man to do? Aside from whining, I mean!

My poor, amazing wife. I wonder if she's ever seen a grown man cry?

New Year, New Focus

Wow... the last month has been crazy. A flurry of activity in my head, while my body got sloppy.

Sheryl and I took a much-desired trip to Florida just before Christmas, and paid the obligatory dues via getting sick. This time it was Sheryl. Was it worth it? Methinks hell yes! The sunset on Mallory Square wipes away all negative things in the world. Give it a whirl, you won't be disappointed...

So now that it's 2009, what's on tap for Matt and Sheryl?

Well, Sheryl started a new and exciting job... new opportunities for another Nightingale award... and I have decided to focus on improving myself on the job front.

There is a balance in life that we all juggle: personal life, work life, spiritual life... and right now, my work life needs some attention. Spirit and arts are next, I bet, so Leonard, you better be ready to wax ecstatic at the DIA within the next month or so.

Another area that I am really struggling in is keeping up with friends and relatives. With my new commitment to work, I am taking online classes, and between that, and the YMCA, free time seems so limited...

My beloved oncologist has me in an uproar again, so I feel like everything is on hold until after tomorrow, when I get a bronchoscopy done. I have been spending so much time at doctors over the last year, I can't wait to get these damn appointments out of the way!

It's a new year, and a new focus. I just need to clean up a few of last years' messes first!

Who to Blame?

Just looking at things, it seems pretty safe to say that we're f***ed.

I understand that the American way of life needs to readjust itself, and readjustment is painful. It's like a piece of chewing gum that you blow into a bubble. Quality of life, like the bubble, gets bigger, and bigger until it pops. Then what do you do?

You chew the gum to get the proper consistency to blow another bubble.

Hopefully, whoever is chewing this piece of bubble gum doesn't get tired of the taste and spits it out!

So we bail out Wall Street, but no bailout for the auto industry. Unfortunately for me, I have opinions about this, and unfortunately for my wife, she's gotta hear me spout off on them.

First of all, I am not a fan of the auto companies. I was employed by GM for nearly 4 years, and saw first-hand the elitist snob attitudes that are created and nurtured there. I felt since day one that the company needed to be brought down a peg or two, and took some perverted enjoyment out of seeing Rick Wagoner groveling at the hands of the senate.

Today we wonder where our kids got the attitude of entitlement, and looking back on my time at GM, I saw where it started. The UAW, too, needs to take responsibility, but again, somewhere, we have lost the concept of taking responsibility.

So this morning, we have a lot of self-indulging victims whining that there is no Washington bailout for some of the largest companies in America. I totally see why congress would do this, and why America is so split on this. The auto companies and the UAW made their beds, and they need to sleep in them.

Rick Wagoner spent too much time bilking Americans with his higher margin of earnings trucks and SUVs and not enough time envisioning, developing, and planning for the future.

Now, I often suck at planning for the future. Is that a fault? Yeah, sometimes, but then again, Rick Wagoner is the CEO of the formerly largest company in the world. Is it a fault for him to not plan for the future? HELL YES IT IS.

I can only talk about GM, because I have seen it in action. I have also seen the UAW in action. Everybody here in Michigan knows someone who abused their safety in the union. The union used to be a great thing, but those people - the abusers of the system - have made it a farce.

But again, the UAW found a way to work within the system. The Big 3 had systems that made it easy to abuse.

It seems that the world now needs to readjust. There is a lot of change that needs to happen, and change can be plain ugly.

I can see why congress would vote down the bailout of the auto companies. The thing is, I don't know if they properly thought out the outcome of their decision. It seems that this issue dealt more with emotions instead of cold, hard facts.

Failure of one or more auto companies will put a lot more people out of work. Our social services, such as unemployment insurance is already being pushed to its max. I think there was a middle ground that could have been met, but there were too many people with too much power flexing their muscles and butting heads.

Failure of one or more auto companies will be devastating to our country. Michigan has been in this recession longer than many of our states. In theory, then, it will help us start the move out of recession earlier.

We need to encourage people to think outside the box. Give our dreamers a chance to make it big. We are going to have to rely on visionaries and revisionaries.

It is possible that America will come out of this no longer as the number one country in the world, and we are going to have to prepare for that.

So who is to blame for this? I can't tell you how much I'd love to blame President Bush. However, I think it just might be the natural ebb and flow of economics.

I do think, however, that someone could have helped make this crash a little softer. But I can't blame anyone, unfortunately, because I hadn't given it enough future thought...

Eras

When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2002, I never wondered "Why me?" until my treatments were over. My doctor suggested that I give back to the community, planting the seed of "the obligation of the cured". As such, I started volunteering at Gilda's Club.

Gilda's Club saved my life in many, many ways. It gave me a positive environment to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It gave me an opportunity to explore projects on a large scale focusing on helping others. It introduced me to many angels in disguise - including my wife.

When I was out of work for nearly two years, Gilda's Club inspired hope in me, even when things were bleak.

For six years (today), I have given thanks for surviving Hodgkin's disease by being of service to my cancer brethren at Gilda's.

Today I submitted my resignation as a member of Gilda's Member Advisory Committee, which was my last official link to Gilda's Club. Sure, I have personal relationships with members, but no official affiliation anymore, and I find it very sad...

...but necessary.

I needed to be a volunteer and member at Gilda's. There were things I needed to do and learn. And people to meet - and in one case, marry.

But by making this decision to resign from the committee, I am - in a sense - taking back my life.

I will always be a cancer survivor. I will always have a passion for cancer issues - particularly survivor healthcare issues.

But I had to step out from under that umbrella. I owe it to myself, my wife and family.

Although I am very sad to be stepping away from Gilda's Club, I am happy to focus on my future - in many cases, using the tools that I learned to use while in service to Gilda's Club.

The Sink

In this life, there are times when things are so incredibly in sync, that you feel like the world turns just for you.

Sometimes, the exact opposite happens.

Sheryl and I joined the YMCA last month, and we've been very good, going to workout regularly. Late last week, I felt everything start to go South. I had over-trained, and refused to stop. I paid the price... I've felt like a crash test dummy for two days.

Of course, this doesn't help the beautiful symphony of marriage. The entire horn section has been out of tune, and I'm the blowhard.

Getting past this is simple - as long as you realize that it is only temporary.

So tonight we went to see Jill Jack and Billy Brandt at a "Comfy Couch Concert". Held at a furniture company, the audience was invited to sit on couches, chairs and beds, and make themselves comfy. It was a great concept, it was great seeing Jill, and it was great seeing my wife enjoy herself.

During the second half of the show, I found my mind wander. Part of the show's appeal was that Jill and Billy talked about the origins of some of their songs. I began to feel that the performers and audience were closing in on the same vibe - a warehouse-wide syncing of the universe. It was a beautiful feeling.

It helped me realize that although we may occasionally fall out of sync with our lives, we can - if we pay attention - be reminded that there is a universal vibe that we can all tune into.

I hope tomorrow brings me back in sync with my life and wife, but until then, I know it will come sooner or later, and when it does, I need to take complete advantage of it.

At what point does one cease re-charging batteries and start becoming selfish?

In order to affect the world around us, we need to have the energy to give. When you burn out - or have no remaining energy stores, it's obvious that you need to re-fuel.

But where is the "full" line?

I constantly struggle with this question.

Have I moved on to other things, or am I just being selfish?

And if I'm just being selfish, how long can I get away with it before becoming a mockery of all the good I have accomplished?

Ugh... so few answers to so many questions.

There's one fool-proof cure - a good, old-fashioned nap!

Wake me in an hour.

"I'd Love to Change the World...

... but I don't know what to do."

Or so sang Alvin Lee.

Yesterday marked the six year anniversary of my last cancer treatment - and I never realized it until I received an e-mail from my cousin in Florida. Strange.

At that moment, I felt a karmic swing. I had had a rough day at work, and wasn't very happy. But suddenly, at 10pm, I found myself looking back on the day's events, realizing how everything fell into place.

It was a great feeling, and as I went to bed and said my prayers, I could only hope that today would bring the same vision of karma at work.

It didn't start off that way... I woke up at 3:30am, and couldn't get back to sleep. So I got up and got ready for work.

Because it was so early, I had a little time to kill. So I turned on my favorite Canadian TV show, and caught a segment featuring Dr. Julio Montaner - President of the International AIDS Society.

The Q&A was naturally thought-provoking, and much of what Dr. Montaner said hit me hard.

He said that if the leaders of the G8 countries focused on HIV/AIDS, then 90% of the WORLD'S infection could be controlled. He said that the drugs we have available (or capable of) today can eliminate much of the scourge now, and in the future.

He said that most people are looking for the magic cure, but he doesn't believe we need one, since through vaccines and therapies and knowledge, we can control HIV/AIDS.

HOW FUCKING POWERFUL IS THAT?!?!

And so I started thinking back to 1999, 2000, and 2001... and my bike rides, and raising $9,000 for AIDS vaccine research, and actually allowed myself to wonder...

Could one man change the world?

Like they say, the fluttering of a butterfly's wings could cause a hurricane.

With many single people affecting change in their own way, the world CAN change. Unfortunately, most of the decision-makers have too many decisions to make.

Why not take some of those decisions out of their hands, and uncork that bottleneck?

Sheryl and I contribute much time, money and effort to the cancer cause these days. Sometimes, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and even get selfish because we recognize that we will never get that time back to ourselves.

But sometimes, it's amazing to see practice work. To see effort prevail. To see hope conquer fear.

I'd love to change the world, and I sure as hell don't know what to do...

But I'm going to do something.

No, check that...

I'm COMPELLED to do something...

Strangely Coherent

Did you ever have one of those days when you felt like you had a lot to say, but every time you opened your mouth, nothing came out?

Yeah, me neither.

However, I do feel like I've got something to say, but yet, a cohesive thought eludes me.

So I suppose I'll sit here and ponder... think about everything and nothing in general.

Hopefully, as a result, I will find a way to cure the ills of society.

I'll keep you posted.

Cycling 2008-2009

In this years' Tour de France, we saw more people caught doping. I commented about it at the time, so I won't bother rehashing that.

Or will I?

Recently, the drug testing peeps have done more testing on the samples taken during the Tour de France in July. Guess what they found?

Two more dopers.

Now, I wouldn't bother giving these bastards any of my time, but here's the thing:

Stefan Schumacher won two time trial stages.

Bernard Kohl won third place overall and the king of the mountains jersey.

These cheaters were roommates at the Tour. They were racing for a German team (Gerolsteiner) that was looking for a new sponsor.

In cycling, the best way to garner interest from potential sponsors is to have good results. For example, the American team Slipstream-Chipotle won a number of races throughout the year, and named a new major sponsor (Garmin) just prior to the Tour de France. They are now known as Garmin-Chipotle.

So the question comes up - why did these guys cheat?

1) To demand a higher contract from a potential new team?

2) To garner support for a new sponsor?

3) To taste victory?

I dunno. There's a stank in cycling and I feel that somehow the way the sport is set up with sponsors, etc., spells failure by nature.

It's like the economy. There is something innately wrong, and who knows how to fix it?

Well, believe it or not, cycling does have hope.

More and more teams are instituting drug testing programs. Hopefully they are testing in order to find out who is cheating as opposed to testing to see what drugs won't be found!

Anyhow, Lance Armstrong is coming back to the peloton as well. In order to bring awareness to the fight against cancer, Lance has stated that he will race in the Tour de France. And folks, he's in it to win it.

Lance will be joining the Astana team, whose current leader, Alberto Contador, has won the Tour de France, Giro d'Italia and the Vuelta a Espana - cycling's golden trio.

Naturally, Contador is like, "Hey, screw that, I want to race to win the Tour de France, and will do whatever I can to make sure that happens (including going to another team)!"

Uncharacteristically, Lance apparently gave this some thought, and decided to race the Giro d'Italia, and possibly pass up the Tour.

Silly you say?

No. It makes sense. In 2009, the Giro will be celebrating 100 years. There will be a ton of press, and Lance will be able to get his word out about fighting cancer. Do you think that would happen at the Tour? No way - Lance would be too busy fending off doping questions, and it would take away from his real mission.

Plus, it will allow the Astana team an opportunity to win both races...

It will be interesting to see what next year brings to the cycling world. Hopefully we can get people racing clean. It's such a drag rooting for some underdog only to find out that this rags to riches story succumbed to the pressure to cheat.

Vent

I know it's been a while since I posted. I've again been waiting for a spark - the ethereal hand of creative knowledge.

Well, it's still not here.

However, this morning, I am harboring a lot of anger and despair. I've probably been watching too much media, but I am really frustrated with what is going on in the world right now.

How in the hell did we get to where we are?

I am currently reading a book called "World War Z" - a collection of first-hand accounts regarding the zombie war. It's a fascinating book in the way it incorporates current world events with the outbreak of the zombie virus.

And even though the book sort of pokes fun at the media, I am riled by it. I mean, in the book, they talk about a decisive battle where the journalists are implanted in the troops, and the armed forces put on a display, much like the "shock and awe" done in Iraq. But in the book, the zombies aren't defeated. So instead of the media being given a dog and pony show on the strength and power of our armed forces, whatever is left of the media shows the horror and despair of a full-blown zombie invasion.

And once again, I have to get on my high horse about our media. We love to tear down celebrities and laugh at their occasional idiocy. Has this become today's "Kill Your Idols" from the punk revolution?

And as a result, we have become accustomed to - and thirsty for - bad, ugly news reporting.

I mean, really, how does all of this relate to me?

I remember as a kid the first time I watched the 11:00 news. I was by myself, it was dark outside, AND THE NEWS SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

And guess what?

THE NEWS STILL SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!

Am I the only person who thinks this? Why don't we demand better news reporting? Why don't we demand a 50% ratio of good news vs. bad news?

Why does anything that promotes goodness have to be religion-based?

Why can't we just believe in the goodness of people? Why can't we keep our hands to ourselves? Why must we feed off the foibles of others?

Isn't that just pathetic that we can't seem to establish our own lives - our own excitement?

Then again, do we actually do anything besides sit in our own bomb shelters playing Nintendo, PS3 or watching the idiot box?

Is it truly more enjoyable to be a pseudo-rock star or guitar hero than being a real-life hero to someone in our community?

Shit... I wish I knew what it took to carry the torch of decency. The torch of self-worth. The torch of responsibility. The torch of earning a living rather than expecting someone to give it to us.

We're so frigging pathetic I can hardly stand it.

And still, I can't help but think that there are enough people out there who believe in themselves - ourselves. I can't help but have deep-seeded hope and faith in humanity. Something's gotta change in this world - and unfortunately, most change comes from dire circumstances.

Aren't things dire enough?

Who's going to stand up and hold the torch?