It's time to get wize...

Hope and faith - that's how I roll.
You could say I'm ignorant, and see the world through rose-colored glasses, but the fact of the matter is that when things get real, I am become survive.

I consider myself blessed to be here, and to have the friends and family that I have. I also have a good relationship with karma, and don't have a reason to fear.

Not everyone in the world is blessed like that. There are a lot of things out of our control that can grab us around the throat and stifle our breath of life. But we can control how these things affect us, and how we react to them.

If we combine wisdom with luck, there should be nothing that can stop us.

Except for the ninja vampires. They really suck!

And that's totally a good enough reason to brush up on your mad ninja skills.

Seriously.

A Quarter Shy

Alone in the stone cold silence
No joy, no cheers, no violence
Even the crickets stop and listen
Cats and snakes stop their hissin'
The bells in my ears ring and toll
Like thunder in the sky: roll roll roll
The sound of my soul quietly sings
Magic nirvana dancing on strings
I listen for answers, yearning for truth
A quarter shy in god's great phonebooth
But rather than feel sadness and dread
I allow dreams and hope to fill my head
Just cuz I listen doesn't exactly mean
That answers will fill my noggin-like bean
I will sit and listen with all of my sense
Alone in the cold
Stone cold silence.

The Tune Train

Tonight, we went to see Jill Jack perform at a furniture store. It was such a good time, and the music was great.

Tonight, more than any other night, I really noticed how great Jill and her band are. But beyond that, I felt like I was riding on a train through my mind... fueled by the music.

Certain tunes make me think of certain things. Tonight, I found myself enjoying thoughts about my childhood, elementary school, college and post-college.

In the mid- and late 80s, I found myself naturally gravitating towards musicians and artists. At the time, I was doing a lot of writing, and these people were my brethren. We were a breed apart from everyone else, and loved it.

Sheryl and I talked to Jill a little tonight, and it sparked those memories. I was reminded of the feelings and people that I had met at the time. And the stories. My stories, their stories, our stories.

We all had dreams. And I believe we still do.

I love my life. I love where I am at in my life, and I am tickled to have been so blessed. But I gotta say... I miss a lot of the stuff that happened in those days. I miss the camaraderie, the conversations, the eclectivity.

When I listened to Jill tonight, or when I listen to Wilco, or Stewart Francke, I am able to jump the train in my head and visit those times. They take me back to when I felt like an artist. Mmmm. Sweet dirty life.

Being a technical writer, my job and career is very cut and dried. There is little or no room for creativity. On occasion, the creativity I have bottled up inside me busts out like a champagne cork that must be liberated.

I think it's coming close. Better watch your eyes, because you never know where that cork is gonna fly to...

So Jill, Stewart, and Wilco... if you're out there reading this, thanks for allowing me to hop the train. Jill, as usual, it was another wonderful show. Thanks for helping me tap into those long ago dreams... they are warm comfort... a happy buzz in mid-life.

The Long Road... Back

Rambling along in my mind
Aching bones and restless,
I travel back to the road that led me to where I am.

I smile and wave to the kind folks that have made my acquaintance,
The dusty souls and ghosts of memories,
I watch myself doing dirty deeds of my past,
And cleaning my karma with universal offerings of love.

Rambling along in my mind
Aching and restless,
I recognize the importance of looking back...
Glancing to the past, yet not living there.

Those weary roads laced with shards of my life
Have led me here...
Here... no other place I'd rather be...
Here... the launching pad to the future...
Here... one more look at my surroundings...
Before here becomes there,
And this moment becomes the last moment
And the moment before.

I love the dusty roads of the past.
Those dusty roads are my life.
But they are not my legacy...
Which is still up the road ahead of me.

What time is great?

With my wife going back to school, I have been feeling like a slug. Here she is, working towards even more greatness, and I sit resting on my laurels. That ain't right, and I cain't believe that I am allowing this.

Now, just because I am doing a lot of nothing doesn't mean that nothing is being done. I know myself well enough to recognize that I am drawing power and strength, awaiting the great burst of awesomeness.

Think of it like a ghost. They say that ghosts draw energy from different objects in order to appear or "do something". I am a ghost drawing power.

It's not like I'm really not doing anything. Rather, I reckon I am just more proud of Sheryl's endeavors than my own.

What have I accomplished lately? Well, I still have a job, and I think I am doing it rather well. Being in a team lead position gives me a chance to learn more about leadership and management. It's good to roll with the punches rather than battle the entire route.

I have also been working on dropping weight, and getting healthier. I am now 5 years away from the age that my dad died. It's time to embrace health rather than battling it the entire route...

So, while I bide my time for a moment of brilliance, I suppose I'll ride my wife's coattails, and write an occasional blog. Ah, tomorrow... what will ye bring?

Much love to all three of you who read this stuff... I wish you everything amazing.

Fall, my old nemesis.

Part of me gets excited about the changes that fall brings.
Part of me hates it.
Really frigging hates it.

Fall is in the air these days. The sun is nodding to the South, and the days are getting short.
The night air gets cold, and the shade does, too...
Football sweet football is underway.

This is the time of year when I think of how I've wasted my year.
When I think about how I can still make it a positive 365 days overall.
When I think about all of the great strides I've made while riding my bike during the cycling season...
And how I have to find a way to make up for it during the cold cold winter.

And when I think about this year, I think of last year and the years before.
I wonder if I've done enough to get me to heaven.
I wonder if I've done enough for people to remember me when I'm gone.
And if not (most certainly not!), what must I do from here on out.

I know that I was not put on this Earth to simply exist.
As my energy wanes, I wonder if I wasted my youth.

I like to think this is a sign of madness - never thinking you've done good enough.
It makes presidents and miracle men.
I just want to have been a virus...
And have done enough to allow others to keep my memory alive.

Fall. Love/hate.
Only 370 days til summer! :)

The Longest (and best) Bike Ride Ever (this year) (so far)

Sometimes you need to take a day off to simply re-charge your batteries. Sometimes you need to play hooky for no reason other than wanting to. Ferris Bueller did it, why can't we?

I took yesterday off work to take advantage of the dwindling beautiful weather. I had one item on my agenda: to ride.

I woke up later than usual (because I could!), and rolled around in bed (because I could!). I finally got up, had some breakfast, and wallowed in the beautiful morning sun.

When I finally headed out the door to ride, the sun was warm, the breeze was slight, and the roads were somwhat clear of morning traffic.

For the last month or so, I have been tweaking "the filly" - my year and a half old bike that has possibly been making my back worse off than usual. Yesterday, before I rode, I made a final tweak to my seat. Finally, she's all adjusted - just in time for fall...

I reset my bike computer, and rolled down the driveway... down the street... and I was flying. Past the park where Sheryl and I celebrated our wedding with friends and family... through the neighborhood... past the breakfast diners and coney islands...

I rode past Jill Jack's home, and the miles ticked by on the odometer...

"Hey Bulldog", by the Beatles ran through my head the entire way, and I thought about how much car prices suck these days. I thought about how the sequence of events that led to my having to buy a new vehicle was simply rotten timing. I supposed I could live with that... after all, I was riding my bike in the middle of the work day. Nothing could stress me out.

After one hour and nine minutes and forty-nine seconds, I stopped in front of our garage. 17.1 miles. The longest ride this year... a real joy and a real accomplishment, considering last year at this time, I was in the middle of physical therapy, and was seriously wondering if I would ever ride my bike again - let alone ride more than 5, 10, or 15 miles!

Cooler, too, is that it gives me hope for next year... something to train towards... do I have long rides in my future after not doing long rides over the last two years?

As I sat down on our patio furniture, finishing my fluids, I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. Although it wasn't even after lunchtime, this had been the best work day ever... this year... so far...

The Last Waltz

There is a certain joy in music. There is a certain sorrow in music. This is one of the reasons I love music so much.

I have been told that my writing can touch a vein - a "chord", if you will. But for me, my writing will never do what music does.

I am watching "The Last Waltz", and am astounded by the constant evolution of emotions that I feel while listening to The Band. Music is totally the canvas to the paintbrush of words.

When I was in high school, I learned about how words could be construed through the way they were conveyed. I tested the theory by yelling at our dog: "I LOVE YOU!!!" Yeah, the dog responded a lot quicker when I didn't yell.

So if you put the words "You make me crazy" to music, it could mean many different things. What is the environment? The vibe?

Of course, while music elicits emotion, words becom more meaningful. It's a crazy thing, man!

There are things that we all aspire to be. I would love to be a musician. I would love to write words like Bob Dylan. I would love to elicit emotion like "Amazing Grace".

So for the time being, I will "find a place where I can lay my head". I will keep an eye out for "Carmen and the devil, walkin' side by side", and I will always aspire to be an architect of analogies, a smither of words, and pray, that just for one day, my words can find the proper canvas - the proper medium - to make you go "Whoa!"

Hope

I work with a woman who is really struggling right now. She's dealing with the recent death of her grandfather - for whom she is in charge of his estate - and her father-in-law was just diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Yes, like the rest of Michigan, she is struggling. She is one of the few people in this state who has a job, but wants and needs time away from the job to deal with real life.

Life ain't easy. If we're lucky, we strive simply to survive.

But the rewards are worth the price of playing the game.

Like a lot of people, Sheryl and I played the lottery tonight. Like a lot of people, we might have won... $333 freakin' million!

Like a lot of people, we've talked about what we'd do with the money.

Our big thing, though, after we've made sure we were set, is that we'd HAVE A BLAST helping others. We would WORK with our friends and family, and buy TIME for all of us. TIME together. TIME to do the things we should.

Sheryl and I buy lottery tickets. We HOPE we win, as we feel it will give us a chance to provide HOPE to others.

I am a survivor. That is my basic core instinct. You could strip away my flesh and blood, and you'd find the essence of survivalism.

What makes me a survivor, though, is what I learned growing up in Michigan... you have HOPE. You have FAITH. And you ride the roller coaster - whether you like it or not.

Without HOPE, you've got nothing.

With HOPE, you've got the world by the balls. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will be. I can promise that.

Anyone got the lottery numbers? ;)

All You Need Is...

The Beatles Anthology was on VH1, and I realized how important the Beatles are in my lifetime. They essentially had a rise to fame between 1963 and 1970. I was 4 when they broke up.

But there's something about the Beatles that make them timeless. Something about John, Paul, George, and Ringo that together and separately, they created a soundtrack to lifetimes.

Like the interstate driving system, many of us cannot imagine life before the existence of the Beatles.

And the cool thing is that we still have a prolific Paul McCartney in our lives. Which other mortal person has brought us more wonderful moments or memories?

As I think of a certain Beatles (or Paul McCartney) song, I am immediately taken to a feeling or place - a time or moment. Mmmm... good stuff!

Some of my fave Beatles songs: Two of Us, Lovely Rita, She Said She Said, Good Day Sunshine
Some of my fave Beatles albums: Let it Be, Live at hte Hollywood Bowl

What about you?

East Village

"What do you want to talk about?"
Her words hung in the air like a Van Gogh.
He hardly heard her.
He was watching her lips -
The way they formed letters and words.
He touched them
And said:
"I want to talk all night long...
Until day breaks
And the rains come.
I want to watch you sleep
And eat.
What would you like to talk about?"
She smiled, and imagined waking up next to him.
She closed her eyes, only to open them quickly -
Afraid that in that moment he'd be gone,
And that this was just a dream.
He wasn't.
It wasn't.
And time took a deep breath,
Letting the moment linger...

There's a question in my pocket just looking to get out (?)

How many tomorrows must come and go before I live my life?
Why must I think I deserve more than I've got?
How come life is not fair?
Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do too many people worry about such things?
I mean, am I silly to wonder what great things I have been placed on this planet to achieve?
To wonder how I can make a positive impact on the lives around me?

Are we part of the problem or part of the solution?
Who knows but me?
But you?

Why don't we all just focus on the amazing things in life?

Want of a Hook

They smile and wave
The kids that you saved
From boredom and fear
From long lines of tears
You look in their eyes
Fed up with your lies
And you open your mouth for truth
And you shout with no sense of proof
From the looks of dejection
They seek your protection
You nod, you wink
Promise the kitchen sink
And when you look away
They see the shame
So you open your mouth for truth
And you shout with no sense of truth
You're destined to live your history
No secrets, surprises, or mystery
But you can live out loud
So very alone, yet proud
Old and wise
No compromise

Morning Roaring

It's 7:30am.
After a full 8 hours of sleep
(the first 8 hours in quite a while, it seems)
I get up, grab some juice
(minus the gin)
Fire up the computer
And head outside.
My juice glass sweats
I revel in the morning as the sun rises behind trees across the street.
The 7:30 train whistles through Ferndale.
Squirrels toe the cable lines above, and race up and down trees.
The dull roar of the dream cruise -
A mile away -
Teeters on the edge of morning silence.
The cool morning dew licks at my skin in silent humidity.
It's gonna be a scorcher today,
And the sounds of the neighborhood waking up,
Rises
Slowly.
Got a couple of things to do today, but no big plans as of yet.
So I will relish this moment,
And assume this is the closest I will get to god for the rest of the day.
And if there are other moments,
They will be a bonus.
As the roar on Woodward becomes noticeably louder,
The sun has risen high enough to bounce off our windows
And reflect on the fence.
It's a beautiful morning,
And I can't wait to see what the day will bring!

The good demons.

Yesterday, we had a meeting with our bosses to talk about work coming down the pipe. I am extremely blessed to be in the line of work that I am right now, but nonetheless, I am horribly bored.

I'm on good terms with my boss, so he knows what I am capable of doing. He also knows that I am ambitious and under-used. He "promoted" me to team leader, which has given me a new set of skills to learn - particularly budgeting of time and personnel. It has kept things somewhat interesting, but I am afraid to get too lacksadaisical. Comfort, thy name is doom!

So I left yesterday's meeting depressed despite the good news of potentially plenty of work.

I am terribly afraid of being pigeon-holed and never be able to shine at my potential.

I've tried alleviating this fear by making myself more flexible and knowledgeable in more areas. As a result, I have taken 17 online courses, and am taking another Department of Defense -sponsored course right now.

The classes are fine, and look good on a resume, but to make them extremely useful, you have to be able to practice the learned skills. And unfortunately for me, I haven't been able to do that.

I love my job, I love my company, and I love working. I am likely complaining, too, but I think you would understand if you were in my shoes.

Nonetheless, I will continue to do my very best. Perhaps I am supposed to impart my 20 years of technical writing expertise onto some of the younger folks. I have a chance to be that expert/mentor that I've always yearned to become.

Life is good, and I have a chance to make my mark in this world every single day.

I try not to waste that opportunity, and I hope you don't either.

When All You Need Is A Shot In The Arm (Wilco)

There are times in life when music transcends everything else. On a large scale or small, music is capable of triggering all sorts of crazy emotions.

For me, there are some specific examples: when I want to relax or concentrate, I will put on certain tunes from Tangerine Dream. When I play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", I think of my Uncle Ron.

But Wilco has defined my life in the 2000s. In 2002, when I celebrated life after cancer, my friends Jon and Sue came to a party at my mom's house. Sue gave me a CD she burned. A song on that CD was "I am trying to break your heart" - by Wilco.

For my birthday in 2005, Sheryl bought us tickets to see Wilco at Meadowbrook Music Theatre. I loved that show, and eventually bought a poster specific to the show. For months afterwards, Sheryl and I played "A Ghost is Born" over and over and over and over. My favorite recollection of that time is the song "Hummingbird". We used to be silly, singing along with the lyrics, adding our own echo (echo).

In 2007, when I was barely working at Advance America, I was still listening to Wilco. I was attracted to the song "A Shot in the Arm", which included the lyrics "Maybe all I need is a shot in the arm", and "what you once were isn't what you want to be anymore". It rang true, man... it rang true.

And so last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart... I wasn't exactly sure why. I had hoped that my attitude would change by morning. It didn't. I was a bear at work... the unfriendliest mofo in the building. And when I came home, I wasn't sure I wanted to go to tonight's Wilco concert. After all, I would be going by myself - and what fun is that?

Well, the show started at 9pm, and lasted til 11:40pm. So at least I'd get my money's worth...

But after the opening songs - "Wilco (the song)" and "Bull Black Nova", Wilco began tearing away at the veil that clouded my mind. "I am trying to break your heart" was followed by "Shot in the Arm". Holy crap!

By the time they played "I'm the man who loves you" (which also makes me think of when Sheryl and I were dating), I was laughing and smiling... and realizing that I was having a BLAST!

And soon, I realized that although I had been standing all night, and was getting a little tired, I wanted them to keep playing! "Spiders (Kidsmoke)" was killer - like all the rest of their songs. But when they played "Kingpin", it struck a nerve... "I wanna be your kingpin... livin' in (pause) MICHIGAN." What the hell? Is that a little pride I feel coursing through me?

There's a website called Wilcobase.com, which shows the setlists and allows you to compare Wilco shows. I can't wait for the setlist to be posted. I'll probably put the setlist on my iPod, and relive the show often.

When Wilco walked offstage at 11:40, I made my way home in 15 minutes. It was before midnight when I was babbling to Sheryl like a kid fresh home from the carnival, telling his folks all about it.

So now, an hour later, my ears are still buzzing, and guitar riffs and lyrics ramble through my short term memory.

I am SO gonna pay for this tomorrow... but I am loving it today. And when my alarm goes off, maybe all I'll need is a shot in the arm...

Hi-Res

Have you ever been overseas?
Have you ever plugged an electrical device into a socket that wasn't the proper type for the device?

When I was in Germany, I would plug my electric razor into the electrical sockets, and my razor would buzz frantically. Not surprisingly, that poor razor died shortly after I came home.

Well, I feel like that razor. I have so much going on in my head these days that I keep waiting for it to overload.

So here it is... 1:45am Sunday, and I finally feel relaxed and calm. I feel as if I can catch up with my thoughts.

I've got a good grasp on life. I know how I am, and I know how I tend to react to situations. As a result, I also understand why I feel the way I feel. It sounds crazy, but get this:

Something triggers my mind (this particular trigger happened while in Waynesville, NC), and at that point, my mind begins to alter my life - before I am even aware of the alteration.

Then, I spend a number of days/weeks/months catching up to the reality that my mind began creating days/weeks/months ago.

My only problem is that because it is a change, I feel antsy, anxious and uncomfortable. I am totally not enjoying the journey like I should. After all, life is simply a series of moments strung together in a row, and we should strive to enjoy and make the best of each moment.

Well, knowing the situation is the first step to fixing my perception, I hope.

I wonder if any of this makes sense to anyone aside from myself. I'll try to imagine everyone understanding. :)

We've got the last week of the Tour de France coming up. I sense fireworks coming...

Peace out, my peeps!

Sweet Sexy Smoker

Well, today is the day that we finally received our sweet sexy Orion smoker! Man, I can wait to stoke that sucker up!

Sheryl and I went to Nashville and Asheville over July 4 weekend, and we stopped at a number of stores along the way, looking for that dang smoker. So once we got home, I just ordered it online. And today, we are proud smoker parents! Whoo-hoo!

Anyhow, our trip was great. We stopped and took pictures at Col. Sanders gravesite, stopped at the Hillerich and Bradsby company - makers of the Louisville slugger, and stopped at a replica Stonehenge in Ky.

Nashville may end up being where Sheryl and I relocate. It was awesome! I am not a fan of Country and Western music, but I opened myself up for the experience, and it really made the trip great. I can't even begin to explain how rewarding it was to be in a true music city - without even liking C&W.

And heck yeah, we had BBQ!

Anyhow, my attention is being split right now between this blog and the Tour de France. The latter is winning out, so I gonna end for now. Hopefully I'll come up with something intelligent (for a change) next time!

Turning A Silent Vow

The quiet of night cradles my thoughts.
My heart gently taps time with the tide.
Smiling moon, comfort my dreams as they wash upon the milky way.
Here, in the misty ballroom of silence,
I forget the trappings of day, and sink with deep, deep breaths toward the mossy depths of nocturnal delight.

My fingertips sing with the humid harmonies of the heavens.
Stars twinkle in mystic morse code.
For minutes or millenia, I watch the message materialize.
Briefly, so incredibly brief, John Lennon pops into my head.
He sings to me:
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together...

I laugh from the depths of my cells.
And it radiates as I do,
Drawing deeply from the dense sense of destiny.

There is no yesterday, the is no tomorrow.
There is right now.
And I am here.

I get a lot of information these days through Twitter. People make a note about something, and if I care to investigate, I’ve got the entire internet to research it.

A lot of people are reeling as a result of yesterday’s celebrity deaths. First, every boy’s 70s dreamgirl, Farrah dies, then Michael Jackson. The other day, Ed McMahon died. Another musician died yesterday, as well – Andy Hughes, from The Orb. He was only 44.

Death brings people together – something I noticed reading tweets. There are cries for love and family, patience and understanding.

It’s a strange time to be alive in this world. A lot of times, I don’t see how anyone could bring a child into this world – as messed up as the world can appear. But other times, I have the utmost respect for the parents of those children who will one day be running our governments.

We need to find how media is going to dictate life. We receive information so much faster now than before. There is a saying that bad news travels fast – but heck, look how fast it travels through the media these days!

I suppose I ought to apologize to you right now. I try to tie all of my random thoughts together into a nice little blog-package. But it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen today. Let’s call today “Random Thought Friday”, and I propose we all go home and play the Talking Heads album “Stop Making Sense”!

Viva Devolution!

My wife is amazing.

Anyone find an Orion smoker yet?? Me neither.

Final thought: Let’s think about how our actions affect others. When we’re lying in the earth, or having our ashes spread, how do we want to be remembered?

Have we done enough to justify being remembered in that way?