When I was younger, I used to do a lot of writing and develop grand schemes for books.

Two of my biggest concepts:
1) A man wakes up in the middle of a nightmare, and after a long, bloody battle, he's successful in killing his demons. He wakes up only to find that it wasn't a nightmare - he had actually gone crazy and killed his family;
2) Two men decide to boldly sacrifice their lives in the name of peace. The concept was developed during the Reagan era, so one of the men was American and the other was Russian. The double suicide was to be something incredibly beautiful and touching, and the result of their suicide would plunge the world into peace.

So I have this creative ADD mind that sometimes explodes with creativity. But usually, an idea needs to brew and percolate before it sees the light of day.

"Cancerboy" started that way. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I somehow knew that I had to write about the experience. So as I wrote my Cancerboy updates and journal entries, I just threw them out there, not really knowing how or when all of the pieces would fall into place.

As I learned stuff - about cancer, the process and myself - I thought about how other people needed to know this. Keep in mind that prior to being diagnosed, I was a cancerphobe. And as the chemicals coursed through my veins and brain, my attitudes started changing.

It was only after I threw everything together into some sort of story, that I began to clearly define the concept and purpose of the book. That forced me to switch a lot of stuff around and do some serious editing.

The work was tough, but I am very pleased with the end result. In fact, it turned out better than I could imagine!

I talk about this mainly because Nanky - a Botswanan woman who touched my heart in Montana - e-mailed me yesterday to tell me that she has finally written the book she's been planning for years... and I'm SOOO proud of her!

We all have a story within us... it's just a matter of allowing it to get out.

Desert Night, Desert Life

I met you in a bar in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
You were looking for salvation - as was I.
We found it in the bottom of a tequila bottle,
Howling at the moon, loco lobos in the desert glow.

We laughed until we passed out in the back seat of your car.

As the harsh sunlight pierced the Native American horizon,
I stepped onto the road again, stumbling to my car.
The engine roared to life and I headed out of town,
In the opposite direction as you.

My faith restored until nighttime falls once again.

Driving

The wind blows my hair, ripples my shirt
Driving to nowhere, everywhere
Cruising out West, to the Northeast
Driving to my future, a place I just passed...

The engine hums, all signs are clear
Driving somewhere, anywhere
Splitting the country in two: haves and haven't yet
Driving in the now, and that is when...

The dream of Zen surrounds me, sweetens the taste on my tongue
Driving further, closer
I dream the American dream, any dream I may have
Driving with the wind, and spirits...

"It's a SCREAM, baby!" - quote from the movie "Scream"

What's your favorite horror flick?

In past years, my brother and I and some family and friends have gotten together to watch scary movies on Saturdays in October.

We started with the "new" classics - Friday the 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street... you know, stuff like that. Then we moved on to kitshy flicks like "The Evil Dead" series.

As a result, we've seen a lot of movies.

This time of year, television plays scary movies. The other night, the SciFi channel played "The Fog". AMC is hosting its annual "Monsterfest" - which I really enjoy watching.

So what's my favorite scary movie? It's hard to say. So let me come up with a few:

* "Dawn of the Dead" - this was the first horror movie I really saw... at Lakeside Mall when I was 16 years old. It serious grossed me out, but I have really come to love George Romero's movies.
* "The Exorcist" - scared the crap outta me when I saw snippets of the flick on TV in 1980! When I finally saw the whole film, it was truly scary!
* "Halloween" - this classic had me looking under the bed for a month!
* "Nightmare on Elm Street" - I watched this by myself in the dark at 3:30am... not a smart idea!
* "Zombie" - This film was released in 1980, and was one of the most shocking of its time. I love the zombie fighting the shark scene... the shark takes a bite out of the zombie, then the zombie reciprocates... crazy!
* "Scream" - I saw this a long time after it had been in the theaters. It is a classic in its own right. Very sharp dialogue and very smart!

There are lots more that I have enjoyed. I really get a kick out of some of the old black and white horror movies.

And these days, when real life is made to be so scary, I find it's fun to lose myself in some of the unrealistic (?) scary movies from Hollywood...

"Do you think that I know something you don't know"
- Pink Floyd, from the song "What Do You Want From Me"

I sometimes get the feeling that some people look to me for answers to life.

In my career, one of my goals was to become an expert, or "guru". And I think that I achieved that. But that was non-essential stuff. After all, what does being a guru in ISO 9000 get you at the pearly gates?

St. Peter: "Holy schnikes, Matt, it says here that despite burning up all those ants with a magnifying glass between the ages of eight and twenty-eight, that you were considered an expert in some circles on the requirements of ISO 9000! That means that you get to sit DIRECTLY at the right hand of God!"

Now, it's true that I studied a lot about religions, and tried to be a good person based on the combined requirements, but some people still think that I know something that I'm not sharing.

Truth is, I struggle like hell in life. At times like now, I wonder why I'm still out of work. I mean, okay, things happen for a reason and all, but I did every possible thing I could think of, and still continue to be jobless.

The only "secret" I have learned is the reality of living each day to its fullest - that we may not be here tomorrow. How did I learn this? Ask Cancerboy.

Occasionally, I receive profound e-mails. Those ones that tell about the mysterious angel that saved someone's life, or the famous "rocks in a Mason jar" anecdote. These people think of me when they read the stories.

And all I can say is that I'm flattered.

Ted Nugent sang in his song "Stranglehold": "Some people think they gonna die someday, I've got news you never got to go..."

I took this to mean that as long as your memory remains, you will never die. And look at two of the most famous people who are never forgotten - Jesus Christ and Adolph Hitler. I decided that to be remembered, you had to be the greatest, or the biggest asshole. And although I can be a pretty good asshole, I just can't live that lifestyle.

So I try to be great. And in the meantime, I wrote a book to be housed in the Library of Congress...

... for a very long time!

Them bones, them bones...

I am at a stage in life that a medical report is shared between friends when the question is asked: "How ya doin'?"

"My knee is acting up again... must be rain."
"I've got a touch of bronchitis."
"Tendonitis, man."
"My wrists are going numb... fricking Carpal tunnel!"

Tonight I feel like I'm finishing up with my allergy problem that's been bugging me all week, but in return, my shoulder is giving me some problems. Man, I'm 39 years old, and I sometimes feel like my body is falling apart.

Here are a few of the maladies that continue to ail me:
Upper lungs are shot as a result of radiation therapy;
Chest, back and shoulder act up as a result of separating my shoulder mountain biking;
Hearing loss from balloon;
Tarsal tunnel syndrome because of all my bike riding;
Plantar fasciitis if I forget to stretch my foot on a regular basis.

Jeesum criminey!

I guess there will just come a time when we will realize that waking up each morning is an amazing enough feat... why complain about our aches and pains?

Well, that's it for tonight... my fingers are about to fall off!

With this upcoming Sunday being my 3rd "rebirthday", I have been thinking about how my life has changed since cancer.

A lot of great doors have opened, and I have learned so much about myself and about life in general.

But I also learned that one of the things that cancer took away from me was the ability to prioritize and set goals. When I realized that I may not be alive tomorrow, and that I should take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves, it really shook up my core values.

The best part about that is that, though, is that I recognize it as something I want to change and improve upon. As a result, I can work on it. I'm willing to bet that it won't be difficult to get back on that horse either - after all, I was always a good planner and goal setter and achiever.

Being out of work has helped in a way, too. At my last job, I became disappointed with where my career was going. So when I got laid off, I was forced to re-think my future.

So now that I've been out of work for nearly a year, I have started chomping at the bit to repave a career for myself. I am excited and ready to go. And I'm sure that the priority and goal thing will be like getting back on a bike after a long hiatus.

And I know a thing or two about riding a bike!

In sickness and in deaf...

Okay, I just want to go on record and say that allergies suck ass. Would I still get allergies if I moved down South? Hmmm... I dunno.

Anyhow, because I felt like crap today, I tried to catch up with a few projects that have been on my list. See, I don't like to be bored, so I create projects for myself whenever I get a little downtime. The problem is, my downtime is usually extremely temporary, and I end up with about five or six little projects started... and therefore never seem to finish a single one!

The biggest project I worked on today involved rearranging my photo albums. This is a project I started right after I got laid off. The idea was that these photo albums could be handed down our family tree, and we would have some sort of history. This, of course, is a tribute to my mom and dad, and yet another legacy for me to leave (the other being "Cancerboy" - duh! :)).

Tonight I was dealing with pictures from 1978 to 1990. These years weren't necessarily my favorite, but they were very influential. I was going to high school, then college. It was while in college that I seemed to wake up from the post dog bite haze I was in. I attribute that to my friend Michele, who might have actually been the first true angel I met. She helped me immensely in those times, and then sort of disappeared.

One of my other projects tonight was burning some CDs. This weekend, Sheryl was quick to point out that my hearing is f*cked in my right ear. I originally had problems with that ear as a result of a cold or allergies as a kid. In fact, I seem to remember blowing that eardrum (blood trickling down my face...). But nothing says WHAT DID YOU SAY??? like a helium balloon bursting right next to your ear during a charity walk - and that's exactly what happened a few weeks ago...

On one hand, I feel like I should be pissed about it. On the other hand, I have four fingers and a thumb. The fact of the matter is that I truly feel damn lucky to have these problems. There was a time in 2002 when I wondered if I would ever enjoy life again.

With allergies or being damn near deaf in one ear... being jobless or hating the Michigan cold... I'd still have to say that I'm enjoying life.

A lot.

A Prayer...

Dear God -

Thank you for all of the wonderful things you have allowed me to do and see in my life. Despite occasionally saying otherwise, I really do love my life.

Thank you for the amazing people and influences I have and have had in my life. Please bless those still living as well as those who have passed.

Thank you for the talents you have bestowed upon me. Through writing, I feel like I've honestly touched and inspired others. This leads me to believe that I have been a positive influence within a world that appears to be struggling.

This has been a tough year for a lot of people... with wars, hurricanes and earthquakes, I understand that you have a lot of people vying for your attention.

As such, I will not complain or whine. I will simply ask for one more thing - your help in finding a job.

No, it's a not a request for world peace or other idealogical requests. I just think this one is simpler in comparison, and will allow me a freer range to accomplish great things on this planet.

On that note, I will wrap this up with a final thank you. This one is for all of the angels - living and not - who watch over me and help me.

I appreciate them like all of the other gifts you have given me.

I have recently learned something interesting about me, and my job situation.

I've been seeing a counselor for the past month - trying to understand "what I want to be when I grow up". I sat down at a computer and answered questions about my abilities, interests and values - and what did I learn?

Well, if you can picture a clock, my abilities and values range between 9 and 12 (marketing and sales) and my interests lie exactly 180 degrees away - between 3 and 6 o'clock (science and technology and arts).

NO WONDER I'M SO SCREWED UP!

Ironically, however, I am currently interviewing for a job that meets these exact criteria!

My Mom and Sheryl (God bless them both!) have been praying their hearts out for me to get this job. I know there are lots more out there praying for me, too, and I cannot thank you enough!

A week from this upcoming Sunday (October 23), I will be celebrating my third "rebirthday". Lance Armstrong celebrates October 2 - the date of his cancer diagnosis - like a birthday. For me, it is the date of my last cancer treatment (my diagnosis was March 23 for those keeping score). Currently, Sheryl and I are planning to celebrate my rebirthday with my mom - who celebrated my zero and first rebirthdays with me - and Bill watching football.

With all of this stupid (and extremely stressing) lack of job and money bullshit going on, one only needs to celebrate a rebirthday to understand what truly is important in life. And as a result, I thank God, Buddha, Allah, and all of the angels and guardian angels nearly every day for all of the amazing people in my life now - and those who originally helped me get through my cancer treatments.

One of those people - who probably never reads this blog - is Liz Anderson. If you know Liz, you know that she is an amazing person. Liz has great dreams and plans, and her biggest fault is not realizing how easy it would be to achieve them.

So I suppose that if I were Aesop, and you were looking for a moral to this story, it would simply be: Be thankful for the little things. Live and dream big - you've got nothing to lose.

How often do you see ghosts?

What's the difference between ghosts and angels?

With this being October - the month of ghosts, ghouls and goblins - I've found myself increasingly interested in spooky TV shows. Yep, that's as far as I go with that stuff... no haunted houses for me!

Sorry, Mom, but I gotta tell the story...

When I was 11, I was living in Madison Heights. The Oakland County child killer was running rampant in his Gremlin. Some friends of mine in school and I kept little booklets full of notes about the killings - we were gonna crack the case.

Anyhow, my mom decided to take me and my brothers to the Madison Heights Jaycees haunted house. Rather than go through all of the details, let me just say that this haunted house scared the bejesus outta us!

As I lay in bed that night, I found myself thinking about the haunted house and the child killer. I began getting a panic attack, and started hyperventilating.

Needless to say, I never plan to step into another haunted house again - or keep a notebook of child killer information!

Years later, I was living in Texas. During a visit home, I heard that some family members were seeing odd things around the house. Some of the sightings were disturbing, and I was glad I didn't live there!

However, I did spend the night one time... and I hardly slept a wink, fearing a ghostly sighting.

For what it's worth, after a while, the weird things stopped happening at the house.

So, ghosts or angels?

It took me 39 years, but I think I've definitely seen a ghost. Or an angel.

About a month ago, I hit an emotional rock bottom. I picked up Sheryl and we went for a drive. We ended up at a grotto to say some prayers and light some candles, and while looking for an available candle, I looked outside of the lighted grotto. There was a man wearing a brown suit and nice shoes, but because the light was in my eyes, I didn't really see his full body.

It was strange since the grotto is just off the road, and we didn't hear a car pull up, so I figured that perhaps this guy had just walked up.

I nodded to him, and kept looking for a candle.

Sheryl lit a candle and then kneeled down in prayer, so I stepped away from the grotto to let her have some peace. The man in the brown suit was nowhere to be seen.

It was only after we were walking back to the car did I begin to think that perhaps I didn't see a man after all. Being one of my truest moments of desperation, maybe I had seen an angel... or was it a ghost?

Or was it really a man walking about with noiseless shoes, enjoying a bit of night air?

The sun rose late, lazily glowing in the morning sky
I blinked my eyes and looked to the East -
Towards snow-capped mountains and spinning prayer wheels,
Perhaps even the Yeti.

I shook my aching head and whispered wordless curses
to nobody,
My past had all too quickly caught up with me.
In my anesthetized reality,
my fingers twitched as I tried to clasp my hands in prayer.

Fear, anxiety and shattered dreams
poured from my eyes in the form of tears.
I was a deer in celestial headlights,
Hoping my last hope...

The empty whiskey bottle lying in front of me
Mocked my crazed emotions.
It was there - as a reflection - that I first saw her.
A tiny angel floating on the curve of the bottle.

She placed her heart on my head,
drinking up all my pain.
I think I coughed as light enveloped me.

Having lost every ounce of energy, I laid my head down to sleep.
I slept like never before, dreaming deeply
Of cherubs and seraphs, of Dalai and Panchen Lamas.

My mana restored.

This weekend, we had a surprise birthday party for my mom. When my mom turned 50 I was in Texas, and my brothers and I had people we know (and in some cases didn't know) send my mom a postcard with birthday wishes.

This year, things didn't go quite as smoothly.

Nonetheless, my mom was very surprised and extremely happy. Some 30-40 people showed up, and mom was in her glory. To add to everything else going on, my brother Van and sister in law Missy welcomed my new niece - Lillian Reese (Reece?) into the world. Grandma couldn't have had a better birthday present.

So now we have my mom, who celebrated #60, my sister in law Rhonda, who celebrated #40 and my niece Lilly all celebrating the same birthday.

And all I can say is God bless and keep them all.