My Red Wings Conspiracy Theory

On Wednesday, May 14, 2008, the Detroit Red Wings lost to the Dallas Stars, who had managed to avoid being swept in the NHL Western Conference Finals.

The 3-1 defeat of the Red Wings – who had won nine straight, going into the game – was a not just a victory for the Stars. The officials won the game, too.

In the first period, the Wings scored, but the goal was waved off because Tomas Holmstrom’s ASS was in the crease. WHAT??

That goal could have effectively shut up the Star-crazy fans in attendance. But because it was waved off, the Stars and their fans still held a lot of hope. The Stars scored, and at the start of the next period, the Wings scored to tie it up.

By this time, however, momentum was clearly on the side of the Stars, and they took advantage by taking their 3-1 win.

Yes, there is no crying in hockey. The Wings will win this series anyway. But here is what I think TRULY happened that night:

It is no secret that hockey is struggling for fans. The fact that Versus is the only channel showing the damn games (available on Comcast, but NOT WOW!) simply does not help. Who watches Versus anyway (besides me – they have coverage of bike races, including the Tour de France)?

Anyhow, Game 5 in this series will be broadcast on ABC TV on Saturday, May 17. ABC makes hockey available to more people than Versus does. As a result, ABC can demand higher money for commercial time. If the Wings had won Game 4 in Dallas, then ABC would not have had a game to show, and thus, no ludicrous commercial money.

My theory is that ABC greased NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s palms. Maybe they offered him a bit-part in “Grey’s Anatomy”, or gave him inside information on who will win “Dancing With the Stars” (hey, how’s THAT for irony! Dancing with the Stars/Dallas Stars… hmmmm…). In return, Bettman might have told his officials, “Okay, guys, if the Wings score first, wave the goal off. I will contact you via these tiny communications devices, which you will put in your ear, and I will provide a reason that the goal should be waved off.”

So when the Wings scored, it coincided with Bettman returning from the bathroom, and accidently sitting on a slice of pizza, which he had forgotten that he had placed it there when he ran to the john. And just for kicks, let’s say that it was Little Caesar’s pizza.

Anyhow, the official waved off the goal as directed, and waited for Bettman’s word.

So Bettman, worried about potential stains on his suit, says to the people around him, “Look at my ASS! It’s got GREASE on it!”

The official was struggling with the noise of the crowd and heard: “…ASS… CREASE…!” He then declared the goal was no good because of the never heard of rule that the player’s ASS was in the crease.

As a result, everyone is happy – except for Wings’ fans… and Gary Bettman, who has get buy a new suit.

That’s my theory – not yours.