For Real...

Well, after all my big talk and crankiness, it's time to acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla sitting there in the corner.

Today I am scheduled for an EMG test. I've had this test a few years ago, and it was extremely painful. I am not looking forward to it. At all. Period.

But if the EMG is a dark cloud, then the results are the thunderheads looming on the horizon. I can't go on any further without admitting it - I'm scared.

For the first time in quite a while, my thoughts are so convoluted that I can't even express what's going on in my head. I first saw my oncologist to get resolution on some things going on in my body that I thought were a little strange. I totally expected him to say "yep, you are just getting old, son... everything else is peachy." Instead, he suggested that I see a neurologist for the pain I've been having in my hip. Of course, this is before getting an obligatory CT scan...

So I go to the neurologist, who points out that I've got muscle failure in my upper legs. Now this would explain why I've been getting back spasms while riding - I've been using the muscle to failure.

On a side note, the neuro also tells me that my gag reflex is slow, which could be a result of radiation treatment. The same for my perpetual dry throat and occasional difficulty swallowing.

Yep, f*cking peaches and cream here.

So because of the pain in my hip and muscle failure in my legs, I am going to get an EMG today. Afterwards, I am likely to get an MRI of my hip, spine and noggin. These things will help diagnose my hip problem (and my noggin).

Best case, I am hoping that the neuro says that I need to lose weight and get my back and abs stronger.

I can't help but hear that nagging voice in the back of my mind suggesting that it could be worse. I've had abnormal blood readings lately, which could be nothing or lupus. My hip could be nothing or MS. My gag reflex could be nothing or a tumor.

The thing that scares me most is that I am weary of fighting. Weary of drama. Weary of constantly being put in survivor mode. This is why I want Sheryl and I to be proactive with our health. I know I'm not the healthiest person alive, but I need to be healthier in order to enjoy the rest of my life. I need to be prepared to happily live another 40 years. If something negative blasts me from left field, how am I going to react this time? To be perfectly honest, I am afraid of that answer.

Stupid 800-pound gorillas. They should stay in the zoo, and not sit in the corner of the room.

So there it is. I know that I should not post this, but I hope that something positive will result from putting my fears out there.

With all that said, I've got a stupid EMG test this afternoon. It may or may not be painful, who knows? It may help diagnose my painful hip. And no matter what, I've got a need to know. I need to know what is going on.

As you can see, my mind can go loco if I dwell on the possibilities. Give me facts and hard evidence, and let's go from there.

For real, can we stop the carousel?