When I was old...

Every once in a while, I wonder if I have lived up to the potential I had as a kid.

The thought popped into my head again this morning.

As kids, we are often asked what we want to be when we grow up. I, for one, never thought about being a technical writer until my junior year in college.

But I had skills!

In 2nd and 3rd grade, I used to write stories for extra credit. I would compete with my classmates to see who could write the longest report. I was a freak.

I still am!

But as a kid, I wanted to be a baseball player. I lived and loved baseball. And I was good at it, too.

I ended up throwing my arm out by high school, though, and never liked the idea of getting hit by pitches. So I ended up sucking at baseball.

I was always thinking, though, and was often included in classes to promote intelligence and creativity. I never understood why I was in the same classes with all of the smart kids. I did okay in school, but never truly exerted myself. It’s true that I may have blown an opportunity or two, but as I get older, I wonder if I was bored, or was borderline ADD.

As a kid, we could be anything we wanted. It’s so strange to hear stories of people I grew up with becoming an alcoholic, or work at a gas station their whole lives.

Most of the kids in my “special” classes became engineers, politicians or economists.

What have I done with my life? Have I achieved everything I could with what I had to work with?

Oddly enough, that question haunts me daily. I think that as we get older, and are faced with the back side of our lifetime, we start thinking about that. As a cancer survivor, I started thinking about it earlier than most people.

And so as I wonder about all of the things little 8-year-old Matthew could have achieved in his life, I have to admit that he could have accomplished a whole lot more if he tried harder and wasn’t so lazy.

Then again, is it really fair to ask? After all, who is to say that this is not the most rewarding path Matthew could have taken in his life?

Bringing joy to people, being remembered for good nature and good heart helps determine whether we have lived a good life in the long run. If Matthew had become a doctor, could he have saved many lives? Sure, but would he inspire others by writing about his experiences? That’s possible, too.

We just don’t know what we don’t know. And if thinking about these things makes us strive to become a better person, then what’s the harm?

I think that although Matthew might have strived for more, he would think his 42-year-old self was pretty darn cool – and certainly worth looking up to and forward to.