Oh Holy...


Sheryl and I went to Sheila's house last night for a Christmas Eve visit. We had a very nice time, met some very nice people, and we are extremely thankful for the mysterious (and not so mysterious) forces that brought Zakk and I back together after so many years. To say I am humbled to be so blessed on this Christmas day does not give the words justice.

Thanksgiving

It's not quite Thanksgiving, but I wanted to blog before a potentially crazy day confronts us.

Thanksgiving brings me many fond memories... particularly pumpkin pie, pumpkin pie, and the year that pumpkin pie. Come thanksgiving, though, I always remember my Grandma Rodgers. She was a great woman, and having been born in the "Nineteen-oughts", she was around during the great depression, and shared stories with me about those days.

Grandma was cool, and she loved to follow my life excursions. I think she really would have loved Sheryl.

Sheryl is whom I am most grateful for. Not just at thanksgiving, but every single moment of my life. Grandma Rodgers was a very religious woman, and I have no doubt that she had a hand in bringing this angel to me. Looking back on my life before Sheryl, I see my life going nowhere. My life has changed drastically since, and it's all been amazing.

I am so fortunate and thankful that Sheryl agreed to marry me back in 2007. The way I feel about her should not be a surprise to her. In fact, Sheryl and I both try to live lives of gratitude - where we recognize how lucky - how blessed - we really are.

I hope that all three of my readers have a most wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving. "..If you can't be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with..."

Thanks 2B Given

I am always thankful for my mother. Not only are we son and mother, but good friends, too - a true blessing!

Gvng Thx

Now this process gets easier. There's no thinking involved in these last few days of giving thanks. Although this exercise is coming to a close, don't think I ever cease to be grateful.

Today, I am thankful for my brothers and sister. I am thrilled that they are in my life.

Danke

Today I am thankful for my health. Although I am not the healthiest 43 year old, I am grateful that I am healthy enough to live a happy and productive life. Plus, I can still do almost everything that I still want to do.

Giving Thankz

Sitting here, with the night winding down, it is after midnight, and a new day.

So today I give thanks for dreams.

Dreams, like hope, can change the world. They can make life magical and mystical.

Don't stop dreaming. Dreaming is free.

Givin' Thanks (2day)

Today, I am thankful for second chances.

Giving Thanx

A couple of weeks ago, an anomaly showed up on a check of my social security number. So I requested a credit report, which I pored over last night, making sure that everything was in order - and it was. While looking at it, however, it was easy to see when my being laid off for nearly two years finally caught up to me. Seeing those numbers in black and white were something of a slap in the face, and a reminder of how close I was to losing my house.

Now that Sheryl has been living in that house with me, it definitely has the feeling of a home. And although we are so ready to find a home together, I am incredibly thankful that I still have a roof over my head.

Giving Thanks - More!

Okay, today I am thankful for my sense of humor. It has helped me get through some very difficult times. My sense of humor also makes my wife laugh and smile, and that means so much to me.

Giving Thanks Again...

Today, I give thanks for my former bosses and mentors.

Melissa and Mark recognized my abilities, and gave me a chance to prove myself, which in turn, gave me a shot at my current job. I am extremely grateful for that.

Duane, George, Murf, and even my Dad were amazing mentors. They saw my potential, and worked with me to help me become the man I am, and helped me obtain the knowledge that helps me be successful in my endeavors.

Giving Thanks, part two

Today I give thanks for my heart. It works hard to allow me to ride, live and breathe, which in turn allows me to enjoy my life.

Giving Thanks

Yesterday, my mom and I were talking about this thing she is doing on Facebook, where she gives thanks for something different each day until Thanksgiving. I thought this was an interesting concept, and thought I would give it a try - although the likelihood of me posting every day is ummm, not very likely. :)

It's been a blah-type evening here at home, and now that my eyes feel like pissholes in the snow, I am waiting for beautiful, wunnerful sleep.

Each night, when I go to bed, I say my thanks for three major things: the opportunities given to me and Sheryl throughout the day that has passed, the time I was able to spend with Sheryl, and for our friends and families.

This evening, as part of this little experiment, I want to give thanks for Dr. Carbajo, my general practitioner who really seems to care about me and my health. Through my interactions with him, I can hope to spend more time on this earth, in hopes of achieving something truly great.

Dream big, my friends...

Along Timmy Go (Perhaps)

Seven years ago - almost to the date - I celebrated my cancer survival in two ways.

First, I splurged and bought myself a ticket to see Peter Gabriel at the Palace of Auburn Hills.

Second, I "escaped" on a trip down South.

These two events were turning points in my life. At the concert, I stood all by my lonesome. In my lone seat. All by myself. And all of a sudden, three guys popped up in the seats next to me. I looked over, and surprised as all hell, I realized that the guy next to me was a great friend - Dave Hurst. Dave and I inspired each other (he still inspires me!), and it was an amazing coincidence that we would end up side-by-side at a Peter Gabriel concert.

Every moment of that concert was a celebration of survivalism. A feeling that is stirred up each time - like now - when I watch the DVD of Gabriel's "Growing Up Live". It's so good to be alive.

About a week later, I split town. I went to North Carolina to spend time with my Uncle Jack, then further South to Miami to stay with my friends Liz and Dave.

At that time, there was nothing better than sitting in the warm sun, thinking about my future... something I hadn't allowed myself to think about for a number of months.

These days, the one thing that would make that experience better is if my wife was there with me.

Recently, my first week at my new job was tough. The second week brought its own challenges. Now, as I sit blogging for my three or four fans, while simultaneously watching/listening to Peter Gabriel, I remember that everything is relative.

I typically start a new job with a box of smiles and hellos. It's a great first impression, considering that I'll likely become a grumpy co-worker in due time. But things need to be different at this job. We have huge potential, and I need/want to make it work.

With the child-like love of life that November 2002 brought me, and its ever-present spirit, I should struggle to contain myself.

Seven years. A long time ago in some ways. My life now is completely different, and just like every moment in my life, if you asked me what I would change - if I could change anything, my answer stays the same - nothing.

I am a blessed man. That, oh yeah, is the bottom line.

Sweet Change (Chocolate Coins?)

Now that I got that last post out of me, let me say that this first week on the new job - aside from being stressful, was very fulfilling. There is a new vibe in the office - everyone is excited about being on the ground floor of a new project.

There will be challenges for our team, and for me as a leader, but we have a chance to do things right, and I'm encouraged by the opportunity.

The biggest change is that all of the negativity that hung around the last job is not present at the current job. It makes going to work a lot easier!

So with a new start, we can do great things... and I can't wait to see what those things are!

Work It!

Started my new job this week, and all I can say is that I am embarrassed.

I can't believe how such a simple concept as developing a schedule in Microsoft Project could be so demanding.

While trying to get my arms around the scope of the project, starting the project, and learning the ropes, I was tasked to develop the project schedule, and simply could not get a handle on it.

Ultimately, I got it done ahead of schedule, but not without some difficulty.

I put a lot of time into it, and I am definitely glad that that project is done. I just hope that my boss doesn't think I am too much of an idiot!

So now that the schedule is done, I've got some goals to meet. That part is very exciting to me. Hopefully I can get this embarrassing week behind me, and kick butt throughout the rest of this program!

The Art and the Television

Yeah, watching TV and blogging don't mix. Heed my words.

The Jig is Up

I'm sitting, watching a German movie about the Stasi in the late 80s. The Stasi was in charge of watching people, ensuring there was no upheaval of the Eastern bloc communist regime. People were scared and distrustful of their neighbors, and secrets and lies abounded.

So the jig is up. My big secret has been uncovered, and everyone at work now knows that I have accepted another position.

It's nice to be free of the burden of that secret. I am excited about the opportunity I am about to partake in, and relish the ability to talk about it.

Hell-to-the-yeah, I got me a new job!

I am so blessed and grateful to have this chance, and I hope to accomplish great things.

For now, I will click on Ghost Hunters and anticipate the great things tomorrow may bring!

Bouncing Round the Room

The dead weather draws near once again, and sure enough, change comes along with it.

For what seems like my entire life, fall has been the harbinger of change. And because I - like most people - am slow to embrace change, fall has a tendency to be my least favorite time of year.

This year, many of the changes I mention are VERY VERY good - yet, they are changes nonetheless.

So what's a boy to do, if not bounce around a room?

October 23 is going to be a big day for a couple of reasons - one of which I cannot mention at this point. The other reason is because it heralds my 7th rebirthday.

I would never be the person that I am if not for two things: Sheryl and cancer. And you could easily make the argument that I wouldn't have even met Sheryl if not for cancer.

So October 23 - the anniversary of my final cancer treatment - is a pretty huge day for me. Geez... 7 years... time does fly.

Great things are afoot at the Circle K. This weekend is going to be a good one for the soul. I'll be watching movies while supporting the Children's Leukemia Foundation, and the family is getting together to hang out - which is a strange thing for us outside of holidays. And of course, how can you go wrong on football sunday?

Seeing as that today is Tuesday, though, I'll have to put my head down and grind out the next coupla days. And grind, I mean... with tomorrow's visit to the dentist...

See? So much going on, and I haven't even started telling you about the GREAT things! :)

Change is the only constant. Like Bruce Lee said, be like water - resilient strength that goes with the flow.

It's time to get wize...

Hope and faith - that's how I roll.
You could say I'm ignorant, and see the world through rose-colored glasses, but the fact of the matter is that when things get real, I am become survive.

I consider myself blessed to be here, and to have the friends and family that I have. I also have a good relationship with karma, and don't have a reason to fear.

Not everyone in the world is blessed like that. There are a lot of things out of our control that can grab us around the throat and stifle our breath of life. But we can control how these things affect us, and how we react to them.

If we combine wisdom with luck, there should be nothing that can stop us.

Except for the ninja vampires. They really suck!

And that's totally a good enough reason to brush up on your mad ninja skills.

Seriously.

A Quarter Shy

Alone in the stone cold silence
No joy, no cheers, no violence
Even the crickets stop and listen
Cats and snakes stop their hissin'
The bells in my ears ring and toll
Like thunder in the sky: roll roll roll
The sound of my soul quietly sings
Magic nirvana dancing on strings
I listen for answers, yearning for truth
A quarter shy in god's great phonebooth
But rather than feel sadness and dread
I allow dreams and hope to fill my head
Just cuz I listen doesn't exactly mean
That answers will fill my noggin-like bean
I will sit and listen with all of my sense
Alone in the cold
Stone cold silence.

The Tune Train

Tonight, we went to see Jill Jack perform at a furniture store. It was such a good time, and the music was great.

Tonight, more than any other night, I really noticed how great Jill and her band are. But beyond that, I felt like I was riding on a train through my mind... fueled by the music.

Certain tunes make me think of certain things. Tonight, I found myself enjoying thoughts about my childhood, elementary school, college and post-college.

In the mid- and late 80s, I found myself naturally gravitating towards musicians and artists. At the time, I was doing a lot of writing, and these people were my brethren. We were a breed apart from everyone else, and loved it.

Sheryl and I talked to Jill a little tonight, and it sparked those memories. I was reminded of the feelings and people that I had met at the time. And the stories. My stories, their stories, our stories.

We all had dreams. And I believe we still do.

I love my life. I love where I am at in my life, and I am tickled to have been so blessed. But I gotta say... I miss a lot of the stuff that happened in those days. I miss the camaraderie, the conversations, the eclectivity.

When I listened to Jill tonight, or when I listen to Wilco, or Stewart Francke, I am able to jump the train in my head and visit those times. They take me back to when I felt like an artist. Mmmm. Sweet dirty life.

Being a technical writer, my job and career is very cut and dried. There is little or no room for creativity. On occasion, the creativity I have bottled up inside me busts out like a champagne cork that must be liberated.

I think it's coming close. Better watch your eyes, because you never know where that cork is gonna fly to...

So Jill, Stewart, and Wilco... if you're out there reading this, thanks for allowing me to hop the train. Jill, as usual, it was another wonderful show. Thanks for helping me tap into those long ago dreams... they are warm comfort... a happy buzz in mid-life.

The Long Road... Back

Rambling along in my mind
Aching bones and restless,
I travel back to the road that led me to where I am.

I smile and wave to the kind folks that have made my acquaintance,
The dusty souls and ghosts of memories,
I watch myself doing dirty deeds of my past,
And cleaning my karma with universal offerings of love.

Rambling along in my mind
Aching and restless,
I recognize the importance of looking back...
Glancing to the past, yet not living there.

Those weary roads laced with shards of my life
Have led me here...
Here... no other place I'd rather be...
Here... the launching pad to the future...
Here... one more look at my surroundings...
Before here becomes there,
And this moment becomes the last moment
And the moment before.

I love the dusty roads of the past.
Those dusty roads are my life.
But they are not my legacy...
Which is still up the road ahead of me.

What time is great?

With my wife going back to school, I have been feeling like a slug. Here she is, working towards even more greatness, and I sit resting on my laurels. That ain't right, and I cain't believe that I am allowing this.

Now, just because I am doing a lot of nothing doesn't mean that nothing is being done. I know myself well enough to recognize that I am drawing power and strength, awaiting the great burst of awesomeness.

Think of it like a ghost. They say that ghosts draw energy from different objects in order to appear or "do something". I am a ghost drawing power.

It's not like I'm really not doing anything. Rather, I reckon I am just more proud of Sheryl's endeavors than my own.

What have I accomplished lately? Well, I still have a job, and I think I am doing it rather well. Being in a team lead position gives me a chance to learn more about leadership and management. It's good to roll with the punches rather than battle the entire route.

I have also been working on dropping weight, and getting healthier. I am now 5 years away from the age that my dad died. It's time to embrace health rather than battling it the entire route...

So, while I bide my time for a moment of brilliance, I suppose I'll ride my wife's coattails, and write an occasional blog. Ah, tomorrow... what will ye bring?

Much love to all three of you who read this stuff... I wish you everything amazing.

Fall, my old nemesis.

Part of me gets excited about the changes that fall brings.
Part of me hates it.
Really frigging hates it.

Fall is in the air these days. The sun is nodding to the South, and the days are getting short.
The night air gets cold, and the shade does, too...
Football sweet football is underway.

This is the time of year when I think of how I've wasted my year.
When I think about how I can still make it a positive 365 days overall.
When I think about all of the great strides I've made while riding my bike during the cycling season...
And how I have to find a way to make up for it during the cold cold winter.

And when I think about this year, I think of last year and the years before.
I wonder if I've done enough to get me to heaven.
I wonder if I've done enough for people to remember me when I'm gone.
And if not (most certainly not!), what must I do from here on out.

I know that I was not put on this Earth to simply exist.
As my energy wanes, I wonder if I wasted my youth.

I like to think this is a sign of madness - never thinking you've done good enough.
It makes presidents and miracle men.
I just want to have been a virus...
And have done enough to allow others to keep my memory alive.

Fall. Love/hate.
Only 370 days til summer! :)

The Longest (and best) Bike Ride Ever (this year) (so far)

Sometimes you need to take a day off to simply re-charge your batteries. Sometimes you need to play hooky for no reason other than wanting to. Ferris Bueller did it, why can't we?

I took yesterday off work to take advantage of the dwindling beautiful weather. I had one item on my agenda: to ride.

I woke up later than usual (because I could!), and rolled around in bed (because I could!). I finally got up, had some breakfast, and wallowed in the beautiful morning sun.

When I finally headed out the door to ride, the sun was warm, the breeze was slight, and the roads were somwhat clear of morning traffic.

For the last month or so, I have been tweaking "the filly" - my year and a half old bike that has possibly been making my back worse off than usual. Yesterday, before I rode, I made a final tweak to my seat. Finally, she's all adjusted - just in time for fall...

I reset my bike computer, and rolled down the driveway... down the street... and I was flying. Past the park where Sheryl and I celebrated our wedding with friends and family... through the neighborhood... past the breakfast diners and coney islands...

I rode past Jill Jack's home, and the miles ticked by on the odometer...

"Hey Bulldog", by the Beatles ran through my head the entire way, and I thought about how much car prices suck these days. I thought about how the sequence of events that led to my having to buy a new vehicle was simply rotten timing. I supposed I could live with that... after all, I was riding my bike in the middle of the work day. Nothing could stress me out.

After one hour and nine minutes and forty-nine seconds, I stopped in front of our garage. 17.1 miles. The longest ride this year... a real joy and a real accomplishment, considering last year at this time, I was in the middle of physical therapy, and was seriously wondering if I would ever ride my bike again - let alone ride more than 5, 10, or 15 miles!

Cooler, too, is that it gives me hope for next year... something to train towards... do I have long rides in my future after not doing long rides over the last two years?

As I sat down on our patio furniture, finishing my fluids, I couldn't wipe the smile from my face. Although it wasn't even after lunchtime, this had been the best work day ever... this year... so far...

The Last Waltz

There is a certain joy in music. There is a certain sorrow in music. This is one of the reasons I love music so much.

I have been told that my writing can touch a vein - a "chord", if you will. But for me, my writing will never do what music does.

I am watching "The Last Waltz", and am astounded by the constant evolution of emotions that I feel while listening to The Band. Music is totally the canvas to the paintbrush of words.

When I was in high school, I learned about how words could be construed through the way they were conveyed. I tested the theory by yelling at our dog: "I LOVE YOU!!!" Yeah, the dog responded a lot quicker when I didn't yell.

So if you put the words "You make me crazy" to music, it could mean many different things. What is the environment? The vibe?

Of course, while music elicits emotion, words becom more meaningful. It's a crazy thing, man!

There are things that we all aspire to be. I would love to be a musician. I would love to write words like Bob Dylan. I would love to elicit emotion like "Amazing Grace".

So for the time being, I will "find a place where I can lay my head". I will keep an eye out for "Carmen and the devil, walkin' side by side", and I will always aspire to be an architect of analogies, a smither of words, and pray, that just for one day, my words can find the proper canvas - the proper medium - to make you go "Whoa!"

Hope

I work with a woman who is really struggling right now. She's dealing with the recent death of her grandfather - for whom she is in charge of his estate - and her father-in-law was just diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Yes, like the rest of Michigan, she is struggling. She is one of the few people in this state who has a job, but wants and needs time away from the job to deal with real life.

Life ain't easy. If we're lucky, we strive simply to survive.

But the rewards are worth the price of playing the game.

Like a lot of people, Sheryl and I played the lottery tonight. Like a lot of people, we might have won... $333 freakin' million!

Like a lot of people, we've talked about what we'd do with the money.

Our big thing, though, after we've made sure we were set, is that we'd HAVE A BLAST helping others. We would WORK with our friends and family, and buy TIME for all of us. TIME together. TIME to do the things we should.

Sheryl and I buy lottery tickets. We HOPE we win, as we feel it will give us a chance to provide HOPE to others.

I am a survivor. That is my basic core instinct. You could strip away my flesh and blood, and you'd find the essence of survivalism.

What makes me a survivor, though, is what I learned growing up in Michigan... you have HOPE. You have FAITH. And you ride the roller coaster - whether you like it or not.

Without HOPE, you've got nothing.

With HOPE, you've got the world by the balls. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will be. I can promise that.

Anyone got the lottery numbers? ;)

All You Need Is...

The Beatles Anthology was on VH1, and I realized how important the Beatles are in my lifetime. They essentially had a rise to fame between 1963 and 1970. I was 4 when they broke up.

But there's something about the Beatles that make them timeless. Something about John, Paul, George, and Ringo that together and separately, they created a soundtrack to lifetimes.

Like the interstate driving system, many of us cannot imagine life before the existence of the Beatles.

And the cool thing is that we still have a prolific Paul McCartney in our lives. Which other mortal person has brought us more wonderful moments or memories?

As I think of a certain Beatles (or Paul McCartney) song, I am immediately taken to a feeling or place - a time or moment. Mmmm... good stuff!

Some of my fave Beatles songs: Two of Us, Lovely Rita, She Said She Said, Good Day Sunshine
Some of my fave Beatles albums: Let it Be, Live at hte Hollywood Bowl

What about you?

East Village

"What do you want to talk about?"
Her words hung in the air like a Van Gogh.
He hardly heard her.
He was watching her lips -
The way they formed letters and words.
He touched them
And said:
"I want to talk all night long...
Until day breaks
And the rains come.
I want to watch you sleep
And eat.
What would you like to talk about?"
She smiled, and imagined waking up next to him.
She closed her eyes, only to open them quickly -
Afraid that in that moment he'd be gone,
And that this was just a dream.
He wasn't.
It wasn't.
And time took a deep breath,
Letting the moment linger...

There's a question in my pocket just looking to get out (?)

How many tomorrows must come and go before I live my life?
Why must I think I deserve more than I've got?
How come life is not fair?
Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do too many people worry about such things?
I mean, am I silly to wonder what great things I have been placed on this planet to achieve?
To wonder how I can make a positive impact on the lives around me?

Are we part of the problem or part of the solution?
Who knows but me?
But you?

Why don't we all just focus on the amazing things in life?

Want of a Hook

They smile and wave
The kids that you saved
From boredom and fear
From long lines of tears
You look in their eyes
Fed up with your lies
And you open your mouth for truth
And you shout with no sense of proof
From the looks of dejection
They seek your protection
You nod, you wink
Promise the kitchen sink
And when you look away
They see the shame
So you open your mouth for truth
And you shout with no sense of truth
You're destined to live your history
No secrets, surprises, or mystery
But you can live out loud
So very alone, yet proud
Old and wise
No compromise

Morning Roaring

It's 7:30am.
After a full 8 hours of sleep
(the first 8 hours in quite a while, it seems)
I get up, grab some juice
(minus the gin)
Fire up the computer
And head outside.
My juice glass sweats
I revel in the morning as the sun rises behind trees across the street.
The 7:30 train whistles through Ferndale.
Squirrels toe the cable lines above, and race up and down trees.
The dull roar of the dream cruise -
A mile away -
Teeters on the edge of morning silence.
The cool morning dew licks at my skin in silent humidity.
It's gonna be a scorcher today,
And the sounds of the neighborhood waking up,
Rises
Slowly.
Got a couple of things to do today, but no big plans as of yet.
So I will relish this moment,
And assume this is the closest I will get to god for the rest of the day.
And if there are other moments,
They will be a bonus.
As the roar on Woodward becomes noticeably louder,
The sun has risen high enough to bounce off our windows
And reflect on the fence.
It's a beautiful morning,
And I can't wait to see what the day will bring!

The good demons.

Yesterday, we had a meeting with our bosses to talk about work coming down the pipe. I am extremely blessed to be in the line of work that I am right now, but nonetheless, I am horribly bored.

I'm on good terms with my boss, so he knows what I am capable of doing. He also knows that I am ambitious and under-used. He "promoted" me to team leader, which has given me a new set of skills to learn - particularly budgeting of time and personnel. It has kept things somewhat interesting, but I am afraid to get too lacksadaisical. Comfort, thy name is doom!

So I left yesterday's meeting depressed despite the good news of potentially plenty of work.

I am terribly afraid of being pigeon-holed and never be able to shine at my potential.

I've tried alleviating this fear by making myself more flexible and knowledgeable in more areas. As a result, I have taken 17 online courses, and am taking another Department of Defense -sponsored course right now.

The classes are fine, and look good on a resume, but to make them extremely useful, you have to be able to practice the learned skills. And unfortunately for me, I haven't been able to do that.

I love my job, I love my company, and I love working. I am likely complaining, too, but I think you would understand if you were in my shoes.

Nonetheless, I will continue to do my very best. Perhaps I am supposed to impart my 20 years of technical writing expertise onto some of the younger folks. I have a chance to be that expert/mentor that I've always yearned to become.

Life is good, and I have a chance to make my mark in this world every single day.

I try not to waste that opportunity, and I hope you don't either.

When All You Need Is A Shot In The Arm (Wilco)

There are times in life when music transcends everything else. On a large scale or small, music is capable of triggering all sorts of crazy emotions.

For me, there are some specific examples: when I want to relax or concentrate, I will put on certain tunes from Tangerine Dream. When I play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", I think of my Uncle Ron.

But Wilco has defined my life in the 2000s. In 2002, when I celebrated life after cancer, my friends Jon and Sue came to a party at my mom's house. Sue gave me a CD she burned. A song on that CD was "I am trying to break your heart" - by Wilco.

For my birthday in 2005, Sheryl bought us tickets to see Wilco at Meadowbrook Music Theatre. I loved that show, and eventually bought a poster specific to the show. For months afterwards, Sheryl and I played "A Ghost is Born" over and over and over and over. My favorite recollection of that time is the song "Hummingbird". We used to be silly, singing along with the lyrics, adding our own echo (echo).

In 2007, when I was barely working at Advance America, I was still listening to Wilco. I was attracted to the song "A Shot in the Arm", which included the lyrics "Maybe all I need is a shot in the arm", and "what you once were isn't what you want to be anymore". It rang true, man... it rang true.

And so last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart... I wasn't exactly sure why. I had hoped that my attitude would change by morning. It didn't. I was a bear at work... the unfriendliest mofo in the building. And when I came home, I wasn't sure I wanted to go to tonight's Wilco concert. After all, I would be going by myself - and what fun is that?

Well, the show started at 9pm, and lasted til 11:40pm. So at least I'd get my money's worth...

But after the opening songs - "Wilco (the song)" and "Bull Black Nova", Wilco began tearing away at the veil that clouded my mind. "I am trying to break your heart" was followed by "Shot in the Arm". Holy crap!

By the time they played "I'm the man who loves you" (which also makes me think of when Sheryl and I were dating), I was laughing and smiling... and realizing that I was having a BLAST!

And soon, I realized that although I had been standing all night, and was getting a little tired, I wanted them to keep playing! "Spiders (Kidsmoke)" was killer - like all the rest of their songs. But when they played "Kingpin", it struck a nerve... "I wanna be your kingpin... livin' in (pause) MICHIGAN." What the hell? Is that a little pride I feel coursing through me?

There's a website called Wilcobase.com, which shows the setlists and allows you to compare Wilco shows. I can't wait for the setlist to be posted. I'll probably put the setlist on my iPod, and relive the show often.

When Wilco walked offstage at 11:40, I made my way home in 15 minutes. It was before midnight when I was babbling to Sheryl like a kid fresh home from the carnival, telling his folks all about it.

So now, an hour later, my ears are still buzzing, and guitar riffs and lyrics ramble through my short term memory.

I am SO gonna pay for this tomorrow... but I am loving it today. And when my alarm goes off, maybe all I'll need is a shot in the arm...

Hi-Res

Have you ever been overseas?
Have you ever plugged an electrical device into a socket that wasn't the proper type for the device?

When I was in Germany, I would plug my electric razor into the electrical sockets, and my razor would buzz frantically. Not surprisingly, that poor razor died shortly after I came home.

Well, I feel like that razor. I have so much going on in my head these days that I keep waiting for it to overload.

So here it is... 1:45am Sunday, and I finally feel relaxed and calm. I feel as if I can catch up with my thoughts.

I've got a good grasp on life. I know how I am, and I know how I tend to react to situations. As a result, I also understand why I feel the way I feel. It sounds crazy, but get this:

Something triggers my mind (this particular trigger happened while in Waynesville, NC), and at that point, my mind begins to alter my life - before I am even aware of the alteration.

Then, I spend a number of days/weeks/months catching up to the reality that my mind began creating days/weeks/months ago.

My only problem is that because it is a change, I feel antsy, anxious and uncomfortable. I am totally not enjoying the journey like I should. After all, life is simply a series of moments strung together in a row, and we should strive to enjoy and make the best of each moment.

Well, knowing the situation is the first step to fixing my perception, I hope.

I wonder if any of this makes sense to anyone aside from myself. I'll try to imagine everyone understanding. :)

We've got the last week of the Tour de France coming up. I sense fireworks coming...

Peace out, my peeps!

Sweet Sexy Smoker

Well, today is the day that we finally received our sweet sexy Orion smoker! Man, I can wait to stoke that sucker up!

Sheryl and I went to Nashville and Asheville over July 4 weekend, and we stopped at a number of stores along the way, looking for that dang smoker. So once we got home, I just ordered it online. And today, we are proud smoker parents! Whoo-hoo!

Anyhow, our trip was great. We stopped and took pictures at Col. Sanders gravesite, stopped at the Hillerich and Bradsby company - makers of the Louisville slugger, and stopped at a replica Stonehenge in Ky.

Nashville may end up being where Sheryl and I relocate. It was awesome! I am not a fan of Country and Western music, but I opened myself up for the experience, and it really made the trip great. I can't even begin to explain how rewarding it was to be in a true music city - without even liking C&W.

And heck yeah, we had BBQ!

Anyhow, my attention is being split right now between this blog and the Tour de France. The latter is winning out, so I gonna end for now. Hopefully I'll come up with something intelligent (for a change) next time!

Turning A Silent Vow

The quiet of night cradles my thoughts.
My heart gently taps time with the tide.
Smiling moon, comfort my dreams as they wash upon the milky way.
Here, in the misty ballroom of silence,
I forget the trappings of day, and sink with deep, deep breaths toward the mossy depths of nocturnal delight.

My fingertips sing with the humid harmonies of the heavens.
Stars twinkle in mystic morse code.
For minutes or millenia, I watch the message materialize.
Briefly, so incredibly brief, John Lennon pops into my head.
He sings to me:
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together...

I laugh from the depths of my cells.
And it radiates as I do,
Drawing deeply from the dense sense of destiny.

There is no yesterday, the is no tomorrow.
There is right now.
And I am here.

I get a lot of information these days through Twitter. People make a note about something, and if I care to investigate, I’ve got the entire internet to research it.

A lot of people are reeling as a result of yesterday’s celebrity deaths. First, every boy’s 70s dreamgirl, Farrah dies, then Michael Jackson. The other day, Ed McMahon died. Another musician died yesterday, as well – Andy Hughes, from The Orb. He was only 44.

Death brings people together – something I noticed reading tweets. There are cries for love and family, patience and understanding.

It’s a strange time to be alive in this world. A lot of times, I don’t see how anyone could bring a child into this world – as messed up as the world can appear. But other times, I have the utmost respect for the parents of those children who will one day be running our governments.

We need to find how media is going to dictate life. We receive information so much faster now than before. There is a saying that bad news travels fast – but heck, look how fast it travels through the media these days!

I suppose I ought to apologize to you right now. I try to tie all of my random thoughts together into a nice little blog-package. But it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen today. Let’s call today “Random Thought Friday”, and I propose we all go home and play the Talking Heads album “Stop Making Sense”!

Viva Devolution!

My wife is amazing.

Anyone find an Orion smoker yet?? Me neither.

Final thought: Let’s think about how our actions affect others. When we’re lying in the earth, or having our ashes spread, how do we want to be remembered?

Have we done enough to justify being remembered in that way?

I'm exhausted. Totally. Freakin'. Exhausted.

The messed up thing is that I have done NOTHING to feel so wiped out. It pisses me off that this may be my life with SHOW-GRINZ.

So I get this e-mail tonight from the President. OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Talking about volunteering.

When I volunteered, I learned a lot, and networked pretty heavily. I had a lot of fun, and met a lot of people. I tried things that I never tried before, and learned things that I never knew.

I met my wife while volunteering.

And yet when I suggest that people who have been laid off in this crappy economy volunteer, I get looks like I have three eyes!

When you volunteer, you have a chance to sharpen your skills. You can network. You can do something good for someone else. Don't think that karma won't go unnoticed!

Volunteering provided me so many positive things. I am a better person because of volunteering. And I hope that people who are looking to enhance their skillsets will look at volunteering. Yes, it's true you don't get paid.

But how much did you earn today?

Try it, Mikey...

I need to sleep for a good 7 or 8 hours...

Imp (77)


The long range game of change played out as arranged.
With fingernails nibbled to nubs
And glasses smeared with ashes,
He waited for the bait, which appeared to be late.
He checked his watch while water sloshed
Anonymity his name unknown.


His breath the depth of red red death
Sugar sweetened tears bled across his beard and gear
He testified at the alter of summer swelter
1977 his heaven unleavened and burned
Wherefore lies his pleasure? His treasure?


Eyesight causes slight fright at the sight of might
He sees himself as cherub-like, for the god of dis-like
Irate blood pulses, convulses
A wretched gargoyle who spoils daylight toils.
Watching in silence, the violence.
The life behind his eyes.

View from Four-Three

Sorry folks. I haven't posted in a while, because nothing has really inspired me. I've been feeling out of sorts lately, and can't seem to put my finger on it.

This weekend, I celebrated my 43rd birthday - my 7th post-cancer.

I am tickled to death that despite feeling so out of touch, many birthday wishes and blessings rained down upon me. In fact, the only thing that would have possibly made this weekend perfect, was finding a damned Orion Smoker!

Seriously. Sheryl and I stopped at 5 freaking stores looking for this elusive cooking apparatus with no avail. If you find one in a store and not online, let me know... there may be a finders fee for you!

So what is with this summer? I know it really started today, but criminey, could it have taken any longer to get here????

The beautiful thing, though, is that I think I've had a miraculous breakthrough with my back! I have found that if careful, I can ride Shtiya almost like I used to! Next to being alive and having an angel as my wife, and such an amazing family, I couldn't ask for a better blessing!

This morning, I rode just over 12 miles. For the first half of the ride, there was NO SOUND except for the wind whistling through my helmet and my own breathing. Wow. Freaking WOW!

Anyway, I am searching for inspiration again, and summer usually lends me its' powers. Now that Sheryl is going back to school, I am going to have to keep busy... idle hands are the devil's playground...

Welcome summer. Unpack your bags, and feel free to stay as long as you like. Please wipe your feet before you enter.

WWMD?

It's weird to me how things in life seem to spin on their axes. There are times when you think you know everything there is to know, and a little wrinkle appears, leading to an uninvestigated cavern.

I used to think I understood my relationship with my family. With a large family of uncles, aunts and cousins, it's really easy to become estranged.

For many years, I have lived in my own little world, and kept touch with only the closest family members.

Did you ever have the feeling that the world is preparing you - leading you up to something? It's almost like you suspect that karma is setting you up for a surprise birthday party.

I feel that way about my family now. I am realizing that I miss them. A lot.

I ran into a long unseen cousin at the store the other day, and he told me that aside from his dad's family, I was the only relative to meet his wife. I thought - she seems like a great girl, how sad that no one else has met her! Of course, the devil on my shoulder thought - NaNANaNaNAH-Na! I was the first to meet her! LOL!

But the reality is, only a handful of my family has met Sheryl. And she just seemed to understand that I had a large family that I never saw. I suppose I'm realizing how unfair it is to her and my relatives that they have never met.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what will develop from this. It seems like the semi-trailer is heading downhill towards Interestingville without brakes.

Hmmmm... what would MacGyver do?

Today marks two years that I've been married to an angel. Thank you god, for letting me borrow her for the rest of my life. It is just a blink of your eye, but for me, it's forever.

Every time I look at Facebook and Twitter, I start thinking in simple sentences.

When I lived in Germany, I knew I was comfortable with the language when I started dreaming in German.

God, I hope my dreams don't turn into simple sentences...

Day. Time.

Today looks to be a truly beautiful day.

On truly beautiful days, I realize how much time I wish away, looking forward to a truly beautiful day.

And then on those truly beautiful days, I find myself wishing away the time, looking back on summer memories.

Well, I think it's time to stop wishing time away.

Apparently, I've allowed myself that leisure for too long. It has become comfortable - too comfortable.

I need to remember that sitting still is not necessarily wasting time.

It's also a chance to enjoy every moment.

The (Real) Italian Job

I was wandering Europe. It was Spring. The Giro d'Italia was in full swing. I wanted to sing.

'Cause I was blotto.
Blotto on gelato.
That sweet frozen treat
Beautiful gelato.

Trudging over mountains. I wandered. He heat had me wonder. I fell asunder.

'Cause I was blotto.
Blotto on gelato.
That sweet frozen treat
Beautiful gelato.

On their bikes. Racers rode by me. They had me stymied. I fell to one knee.

'Cause I was blotto.
Blotto on gelato.
I cried to the skies.
For beautiful gelato.

And when the sun deflated. And the night grew cold. I wasn't as bold. No gelato to hold.

Key Lime
Graham Cracker
Cinnamon
Ginger.

Malted Milk Ball
Mango
Rum Raisin
Mocha Chip.

Every pore screamed. Every hole. Every mole. Jumped for joy as I stole...

Gelato.

Beautiful gelato.

Bang Bang

So the CFO of Freddie Mac has committed suicide. Does he know something we don't? Why am I suddenly very angry at him?

I don't know if the guy had problems. That sucks if he did, and I feel for him. However, if he just took the easy way out, I would totally kick him in the nuts.

Four, Five, Six Corners (Hot Plate Heaven)

I’m sittin’ here thinkin’,
Searchin’ for a sign.
I’m wondrin’ and a’waitin’,
Searchin’ for a sign.

When the days are short,
An’ me an’ my baby are blue,
We look for some comfort,
We shiver an’ shake.

When the days grow longer,
An’ me and my baby feel twice as nice,
We look for the days to last forever,
And rarely – like never – they do.

I’m sittin’ here thinkin’,
Searchin’ for a sign.
I’m prayin’ and a’hollerin’,
Searchin’ for a sign.

There’s a diff’rent climate here these days,
We’re lookin’ fer a little more.
We have all that we want,
We’re jes’ lookin’ fer a little more.

I’m sittin’ here prayin’,
For want of a sign.
I’m wondrin’ and a’waitin’,
Searchin’ for a sign.

Blame It On...

It's pissing rain outside, but that's not going to receive the blame for my being sad. My depression this morning is caused by someone else's depression - Tyler Hamilton's.

Tyler Hamilton will always be one of my favorite professional cyclists. He was a lieutenant for Lance Armstrong for many years, and was involved in many exciting cycling moments.

And he is one tough sonuvabitch, too. In 2003, Tyler cracked his collarbone in one of the first stages of the Tour de France - and hung in there to finish the 3-week long race... he even won a stage!

A couple of days ago, Tyler admitted to taking a banned substance. This is his second occurrance, and instead of fighting the eventual ban he will receive, he has decided to retire.

Now, I have written about dopers and doping in the past. In this case, I felt that Tyler had paid his price for his previous indiscretions - a two year ban. I was shocked to hear about the current one.

But there is a story behind this - Tyler took this intentionally, as part of a natural vitamin that helps depression. Tyler was diagnosed in 2003 with depression. His family suffers from it. His grandmother, in fact, committed suicide as a result of it.

Earlier this year, Tyler stopped taking the medication that he was prescribed because it wasn't helping - and it was producing side effects that he didn't like. So he decided to try a natural vitamin that contained a banned substance.

Tyler knew he was playing with fire - I mean, if you are banned from cycling for two years for allegedly doping, you are going to be totally aware of what goes into your body. And he was caught.

I am sad that Tyler will no longer race. But I hope that he really takes the time to get himself mentally healthy. He will see that there are opportunities out there ripe for picking.

We have all gone through bouts of depression, but I can't imagine living with depression 24/7. It would be like living in Michigan, getting 70 days of sunshine per year...

Oh. Nevermind.

Tyler, you're tha bomb! Take care of yourself, and thanks for the fantastic memories!!

The Low Flow Below

Number two, number three
You can take it from me,
There’s a line in the sand
Where you must stand
To your back, step back, attack
Paint it bright black
Ahead of you, it’s true
A lesson like school, fool
Where do you lie?
On which side of the line?
Decide, don’t hide,
Where do you reside?
It’s easy, cheesy, and a little sleazy,
Take a breath and drink some tea-sy
Decide where you are
How far in the car
Take a stand, beat the band
Declare your land
And clap your hands
Clap your hands
Clap your hands
Slap your glands

Sweet Torture

When I was training to ride across Montana, I was maintaining a blistering pace of 200+ miles per week, but I struggled to recover on many days.

I would change my diet, drink protein shakes, swallow snot-consistency power gels, and oftentimes nothing worked. I would lay in bed the next day having a difficult time getting up.

"Getting old," I'd say to no one in particular.

So I tried to rest more. Which was fine. I never thought a lot about it.

Knowing what I know now, I can look at those moments as potential Sjogren's episodes. And the reason I say that is because I feel the same way these days - after my workouts at the Y - particularly after a strong cardio session.

My legs feel like worn out rubber bands held together with plaster of paris.

"Getting old?" I ask to no one in particular.

I dunno. In my mind, I don't work any harder than anyone else who isn't as exhausted as I am. Am I a sissy? In the back of my mind, I think so. But at the same time, there is still enough doubt to where I can attribute it to Sjogren's - without feeling guilty.

I try not to let it get the best of me, period. Today, I still plan to hit the weights at the Y. I'll probably do less cardio (if any) because my legs are wasted. I can then recover (aside from painting our bathroom and generally putzing around) for three days before our next swim class.

The thing that really sucks though, is always wondering if I am using my ailments as a crutch. If I am, how do I really know whether I need a break, or whether I need to suck it up?

And to make it worse, I am a cyclist at heart, which to a degree makes me yearn for physical discomfort.

So many questions. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to get definitive answers on our healthcare questions like athletes and stars do?

Oy, that is another egg to crack... not for today, though.

Have no fear, my friends, that whining sound you hear tonight will just be lil' ol' me. Have a laugh on my behalf, because I will certainly deserve it!

You Gotta Have Hart...

The other day, Sheryl and I went to see Jill Jack at the Hartland Music Hall. It was the last of Sheryl's birthday presents (yes, her birthday was in January, and no, I do not spoil her!), and we had a blast!

Mine and Sheryl's musical tastes differ greatly, but we agree on a few things: We like Los Lobos, and we like local musicians Stewart Francke, Liz Larin, and we are particularly fond of Jill Jack.

So this weekend, Jill had decided to record a couple of live shows, performing new music. Sheryl and I went to the first (Friday) show, thinking that it would be more raw and electrifying than the second (Saturday) show.

There were a few glitches in the beginning, and we could sense the nerves. But it was cool. And as the night went on, the performance got stronger and stronger.

After the break, Jill and her band played a couple of the strongest songs of the night. At that point, I realized how in tune the band was with each other, and how amazing the evening was.

In my life, I have never been able to accept comfort for too long. I had always needed change and growth. This is a quality that Jill sings about - the hunger for challenge and suckiness of normality. Other people can let moss grow under their feet.

It's been this need that has drawn me to Americana music. Music of the road, and stories along the road.

Jill's band seethed Americana Friday night, and it tweaked my wanderlust. In a good way, of course! :)

In the end, Sheryl really enjoyed herself - which was the goal of my evening - and I enjoyed myself, too. We can't wait to hear the album when it comes out. In fact, we were joking before the show that we would be a part of history - especially when Jill would say "I was reading in Rolling Stone the other day that Dee-troit audiences are the best audiences in the world! (We would cheer and holler) And Jill would continue by saying: "I thought to myself, sh*t, I've known that for ten years!"

Or maybe that was Bob Seger who said that.

State of the Art (Lather. Rinse. Repeat)

Over the last couple of years, I have become very proud of being a technical writer. I used to think that my mad tech writing skillz would lead me into a full-fledged world of engineering. And while I lingered on the fringe of engineering, I learned that not only would that world not have me, but I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted it.

As I get more comfortable in my own skin (if you will), I have begun thinking about the state of writing.

Even now, I am writing on a computer - a far cry from the pen and paper I used to write with. Technology is blowing up all around us, and it would seem ideal to be a technical writer during this explosion. The problem is, however, that along with technology comes globalization. And globalization means that you have to accept the fact that your audience may not speak your native language.

I saw this first hand when I lived in Germany. Road and safety signs are perfect examples of globalization. As writers, we need to recognize that pictures cross language barriers. Successful companies have taken heed - have you tried reading directions for an iPod lately?

Another change we face as writers is slang. Slang became very obvious in the 80s with the dawn of "ebonics". It seemed as if people within our own country spoke different languages. America, however, being the true melting pot that it is, embraced language changes and incorporated many of the differences into general understanding - Holla!

The electronic age is bringing its' own slang. I am still struggling to learn the lingo of text messaging (aka, wrtng wtht vwls), but again, it is something that we will - and must - embrace.

Gone R dyz of Lather. Rinse. Repeat. In the coming age, my art - my skill - will be less desirable, and I will have to adapt in order to survive. Yes, it is just like everything else - adapt to survive.

A dear friend of mine has amazing drawing skills. But he hasn't embraced the technology that would allow him be creative on a daily basis. On the other hand, I work with illustrators who are constantly seeking new tools to allow them to work more efficiently.

In the Detroit Institute of Arts, they house a lot of carvings, paintings and sculptures. But they also house digital art, and cutting edge media. Libraries house books, but you can also obtain books online and on CD.

I wouldn't be surprised that in the near future, we will be learning and training much like they did in "The Matrix". Just download programs into our brains. After all, when my parents went to school, they used slide rules in chemistry and physics classes. I used a calculator. And today, kids are going to class with laptop computers.

We have developed that far in 50 years. This is evident even in our country's space program. Engineers used slide rules to calculate Apollo 11 going to the moon. Today, we wouldn't even think to not incorporate computers!

So where do we stand here and now?

We're like Alice stepping into the mirror and into Wonderland.

Adapt to survive.

Goodbye Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Hello moto.

Once again, I breathe a heavy sigh of relief.

For some reason, I had a really bad feeling going to see my pulmonologist today to get the results of this weeks' CT scan.

To be honest, I am getting tired of seeing the doctor and being told that although I feel fine, that something is wrong with me.

Fortunately, today's news was good, and I can breathe again.

Nothing abnormal showed up on the scan, and the last loose end is tied up...

I think we know everything that is wrong with me for now, and I can focus on the future once again.

Whew!

When I was old...

Every once in a while, I wonder if I have lived up to the potential I had as a kid.

The thought popped into my head again this morning.

As kids, we are often asked what we want to be when we grow up. I, for one, never thought about being a technical writer until my junior year in college.

But I had skills!

In 2nd and 3rd grade, I used to write stories for extra credit. I would compete with my classmates to see who could write the longest report. I was a freak.

I still am!

But as a kid, I wanted to be a baseball player. I lived and loved baseball. And I was good at it, too.

I ended up throwing my arm out by high school, though, and never liked the idea of getting hit by pitches. So I ended up sucking at baseball.

I was always thinking, though, and was often included in classes to promote intelligence and creativity. I never understood why I was in the same classes with all of the smart kids. I did okay in school, but never truly exerted myself. It’s true that I may have blown an opportunity or two, but as I get older, I wonder if I was bored, or was borderline ADD.

As a kid, we could be anything we wanted. It’s so strange to hear stories of people I grew up with becoming an alcoholic, or work at a gas station their whole lives.

Most of the kids in my “special” classes became engineers, politicians or economists.

What have I done with my life? Have I achieved everything I could with what I had to work with?

Oddly enough, that question haunts me daily. I think that as we get older, and are faced with the back side of our lifetime, we start thinking about that. As a cancer survivor, I started thinking about it earlier than most people.

And so as I wonder about all of the things little 8-year-old Matthew could have achieved in his life, I have to admit that he could have accomplished a whole lot more if he tried harder and wasn’t so lazy.

Then again, is it really fair to ask? After all, who is to say that this is not the most rewarding path Matthew could have taken in his life?

Bringing joy to people, being remembered for good nature and good heart helps determine whether we have lived a good life in the long run. If Matthew had become a doctor, could he have saved many lives? Sure, but would he inspire others by writing about his experiences? That’s possible, too.

We just don’t know what we don’t know. And if thinking about these things makes us strive to become a better person, then what’s the harm?

I think that although Matthew might have strived for more, he would think his 42-year-old self was pretty darn cool – and certainly worth looking up to and forward to.

So get this...

A couple of days ago, I was invited to a roundtable discussion held today with my congressman regarding healthcare reform.

Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

It was really cool, and although we didn't get into as much detail as all of us may have hoped, it was very exciting to be involved in discussions that will change our healthcare system.

Of course, it was pretty cool that my congressman now has a copy of my book, too! :)

So when I got the call the other night, I did a little research, by calling and talking to others who have had a lot of experience in the realm of healthcare. I wanted to go into this meeting well informed and prepared.

As a result of those discussions, I decided that my biggest concerns regarding healthcare were making insurance available to everyone (maybe on a universal-type level), and patient advocacy.

Part of my problem with the healthcare system as it is is that when I was being treated for Hodgkin's, the insurance company and finances dictated some of the decisions I had to make. Given the choices, though, I made my choices and I accept them. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to have more choices to choose from.

Another problem I had was that I had lost my job, and lost my COBRA coverage, and therefore, once I signed up for insurance again, I had a pre-existing condition which would allow the insurance company to not cover me.

Everyone should be able to make their choices by having plenty of options. No one should be dropped from insurance because they miss a payment by one day.

Unfortunately, there are so many sub-issues to this huge problem, that it's tough to figure out where to even start.

But start we did. And I was a part of it.

Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

Well, I was willing to do something about it - so right or wrong, that's all that matters - I tried.

Ye Olde Sombrero

This week has been crazy nuts. As I sit here tonight, I am trying to filter all of the emotions, thoughts and feelings from the week.

Tomorrow is a huge day for me and my quest for excellence. Yet Sheryl and I attended a funeral today, and although I attended for moral support, I find that it is impossible to squeak through without feeling heavy emotion. And yes, I can be emotional even if I can't cry... I think! :)

Nonetheless, I am sitting, thinking, and being. In the old days, I would be wasted by now, thinking I'm having a moment of existentialism. Today, that would be completely wrong to attempt.

I hope to post this weekend and tell you about my big day tomorrow. I'm really excited to be a part of something important.

Good night my friend(s)... may your dreams in sleep give flight to dreams in real life...

Take Your Shot

Well, life threw me another curve. This time, I've been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome. I can't help but wonder how Rasputin and/or Hitler felt after the many attempts on their lives. I mean, I've been fortunate now to survive an accident, cancer, and now a freaking syndrome!

I almost don't care. I very well realize that when I die, it will be my turn. However I die, I cannot control. A good friend of mine used to say that you can't drown a man born to hang. I used to joke that it would be my luck that on the last day of my cancer treatments, I would walk outside and get hit by a bus.

Hilarious, huh?

So while spending all of this time in the healthcare system, I wanted to do something positive about it. When I was a kid, I always felt like I could save the world (without saving a cheerleader - although that coulda been fun), but I still feel like I haven't made my mark yet. Still haven't accomplished saving the world. I thought my book was my mark, but apparently it wasn't.

So how do you achieve greatness? How do you become a hero?

I have no idea.

However, when I saw that President Obama began discussions regarding healthcare reformation, I said, "Hey, I have some experience to share!"

So I wrote both the White House and my congressman.

Hello, Mr. President, I am here to help, and I happen to be looking for greatness.

In the 60's, there used to be a saying: "Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?"

Sometimes, if you simply do whatever you can, you can avoid being the former.

I'm trying to do my best, to be part of the solution - god knows I could also use a little good karma!

What do you have to give?

Take your best shot.

While You See a Chance...

When you have a blog, it is important to keep it up. After all, you never know who is going to be reading it.

Just the other day, I learned that music icon Steve Winwood read my blog!

Pretty exciting, huh?!

Yeah, I made that part up. As far as I know, Steve Winwood doesn't give a rat's ass about my blog. However, the three or four of you who do read it, have been looking at the same blog since early last month.

LOOK! Something NEW! :)

The thing is, not a lot has been going on in my life. I have no thoughts, no ideas, nothing. Instead, I have been trying to keep from freezing my gonads, suffering through this terrible cold weather.

As you may recall, I had blogged about Americana, and how there is something about it that fascinates me. In my freezer block noggin haze lately, I have been dreaming about taking a drive along Route 66 though California, Arizona and New Mexico.

I don't know why, but I am strangely attracted to that idea. And the colder I get, the more I get to thinking about cruising the American desert.

Yesterday, Sheryl and I placed an order for new windows in the back of our house. Now, understand that although the thermostat in our house read 70 degrees this morning, when I got out of bed, it was flipping 59 flipping degrees in our room!

Since Sheryl is my hot piece of Ferndale sunshine, the only other reason for the cold could be my frozen heart. Or the crappy-ass 1950s windows we have in our bedroom. I'm not sure exactly which...

In any case, our blue toes tainted our decision for windows yesterday. And I'm thinking that the rest of 2009 will be dedicated to my paraphrase of Stephen King via Jack Nicholson in Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of "The Shining":

"All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners." "All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners." "All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners.""All Work and No Play Makes Matt and Sheryl Warm Window Owners."

So while the rest of the world gets their 2009 kicks on Route 66, I will be relishing the melting of my toes, my nose, my fingers, my brain.

And maybe - just maybe - my heart, too.

Make no mistake, I recognize that my wife and I are incredibly blessed to be weathering this economy - no matter how cold it may be. And as long as the literal road is not traveled, it will still be there for the experience to be had.

It's been my experience that everything happens as it should, whether I/we like it or not. So although I may whine and piss and moan, I understand and recognize how amazing life is.

And I realize that it's about the journey -

And I freakin' LOVE that!

Happy square root day! Pi for everyone!

Ummm, pizza, ummm, chicken, ummm, pudding...

Food for thought.

Good god, I've got a lot on my mind these days!

First of all, Sheryl and I don't celebrate Hallmark holidays. That doesn't stop me, though, from realizing how much I am in love.

I never thought I would be blogging, let alone blogging all gaga about some chick - let alone my wife!

But I was thumbing through Cancerboy today, and I realized that I love my story. I love the underdog survivalship, and the "when good things finally happen to good people" story.

I realized, too, that Cancerboy was only the first part of my life. The second part of my life begins and continues with Sheryl.

These days, though, it seems like everyone is struggling somehow. And a lot of us are looking for a voice - a beacon of hope and encouragement.

Having a new president helps immensely. It's still too early to tell for sure, but he seems like he's doing all of the right things. Oddly enough, I feel the tide is turning. America is getting overthe shock of the financial punch in the mouth, and we are shaking it off, stepping back into our corner to catch our breath, and develop new tactics.

People have been saying that Michiganians and Americans in general are resilient, and I'm truly beginning to see that.

This country was founded on the dreams and hopes of people once ostracized. Our forefathers rallied together during tough times and built a country that so many are proud to be a part of.

For how many years now have we children of the 70s bitched about today's generation, and their lack of responsibility? Everything being handed to them on a platter, and they don't even recognize and appreciate it?

Were those the same things told about us as we grew up?

I'm not so sure.

Yes, we had it better than our parents. And grandparents. But we still earned, learned, respected and appreciated what we had.

So look what happened. Kids are having to pitch in now and earn their lot. Kind of a karmic happenstance, eh?

But what I'm excite about is that we are approaching a time of great and unique ideas. Our world is going to change, and it's up to us to decide whether the change will be for good... or for evil.

I'm thinking it'll be the former.

I stood in the white field of snow,
Wind howling at my back,
Bare trees shivering against the cold.

The sun refused to shine.

My frozen hands pulled my coat tight against me.
My body numb as I wondered which direction would help me get home.
I was motionless in distress.

My head spinning, my heart sick.

On the horizon of the white canvas,
I noticed a speck of hope.

I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore.
I crawled until my extremities were raw.

I carried on, towards that beacon of hope.

Lost, we sent our cries into the wind,
Brave, we continued, refusing to give up.

When I saw your eyes, there was a fulfillment of hope.
Your smile warmed my heart.
My smile warmed yours.

Together, we broke through the clouds,
The sun curing our ills.

Hand in hand, we looked in every direction.
And we continued – forward –
Forging our own direction home,
Daisies nipping at our heels.

Happy birthday, my not drunken punkin'! Thanks for helping me find my way!

History and Beyond...

On the eve of the singlemost important day in many peoples' lives, I thought I'd jump on the "Making History" bandwagon.

As overwhelming (and sometimes claustrophobic) as the Barack Obama media blitz is, I am finding more and more how much I like Mr. Obama.

Having battled my way through numerous crises in my life, I have always relied on hope. On days when I didn't have hope, I knew that it would come back the next day.

Frankly, if it wasn't for hope, I would not be alive right now.

These are the crappiest and darkest days that our country has seen in my lifetime. Yet people all over the country are smiling and happy - because they now have hope. Hope - the flickering candle in the dark; a mothers' calming voice in the middle of a storm.

I am thrilled that our country's new leader can instill that comfort in this scourge of unease.

But here's something else that I am finding great interest in thanks to our 44th president: History.

Obama came from the great state of Lincoln, and found his passion and dreams in great leaders of our past. And Obama has a way to bring those ideals to life for everyday people. I admire that.

A great man learns from the mistakes of the past - and the successes as well.

Now, I understand that the heavens aren't going to shine gold down upon us in the moments of Obama's inauguration. I also know that it is too early to put the man on a pedestal. I am eager to see what he can do. I am excited to bask in the hope that he stirs within us.

And I am happy for the history lessons that I am being given through this one extraordinary event.

Noodles

Alright, let me throw this out there and see if it sticks...

In 2002, when I was sick, I began undergoing a mid-life crisis - at 35 years old. I learned and gained an understanding of a lot of things at that time, and one of the most important was to take advantage of the time you have.

Yes, having my personality means that I have taken this to the extreme. Simply, I hate having down time. I hate wasting time - unless it's planned, like sitting on the beach and drinking fruity drinks with umbrellas.

So here's my thought: Maybe I hate winter so much because I feel like I'm cooped up. I don't like being cold, so it's not likely that I'll be going outside for a walk or a bike ride, or to water the plants, whatever.

By being cooped up inside, I have options: watch TV, eat, clean or fix something.

Some choices, huh?

So perhaps my inate hatred of winter doesn't come from simply being cold, but also because I feel like I'm stuck and wasting time.

Hmmmm...

Hibernation Spacin'

It's cold here in the Metro Detroit area... and it's fixin' to be colder later this week!

As I get older, I realize one thing more and more: I HATE WINTER.

Given the chance, I will certainly become a snowbird - warm weather in winter, warm weather in summer. The operative word being...?

Today I can't seem to shake off the malaise. I feel like I want to hibernate. We got an assload (I think that's the official AWS term...) of snow this weekend, and I had my bronchoscopy, so we were limited to what we could do. Granted, the house needed a good cleaning, so at least something was accomplished...

The bottom line, though, is that after a couple of days of laying around, I dread the thought of going outside. And I dread the thought of doing nothing.

But I love the idea of being undercovers and asleep!

But I also love the idea of seeing and feeling the sun, brewing up some Vitamin D and breathing fresh air.

What's a man to do? Aside from whining, I mean!

My poor, amazing wife. I wonder if she's ever seen a grown man cry?

New Year, New Focus

Wow... the last month has been crazy. A flurry of activity in my head, while my body got sloppy.

Sheryl and I took a much-desired trip to Florida just before Christmas, and paid the obligatory dues via getting sick. This time it was Sheryl. Was it worth it? Methinks hell yes! The sunset on Mallory Square wipes away all negative things in the world. Give it a whirl, you won't be disappointed...

So now that it's 2009, what's on tap for Matt and Sheryl?

Well, Sheryl started a new and exciting job... new opportunities for another Nightingale award... and I have decided to focus on improving myself on the job front.

There is a balance in life that we all juggle: personal life, work life, spiritual life... and right now, my work life needs some attention. Spirit and arts are next, I bet, so Leonard, you better be ready to wax ecstatic at the DIA within the next month or so.

Another area that I am really struggling in is keeping up with friends and relatives. With my new commitment to work, I am taking online classes, and between that, and the YMCA, free time seems so limited...

My beloved oncologist has me in an uproar again, so I feel like everything is on hold until after tomorrow, when I get a bronchoscopy done. I have been spending so much time at doctors over the last year, I can't wait to get these damn appointments out of the way!

It's a new year, and a new focus. I just need to clean up a few of last years' messes first!